Like Two Sparrows in a Hurricane (2)

[MAL]

Here is a recap of my situation. This is still long, but I think it provides just about everything that is of importance.

I dated RC for 4 years. We met on eHarmony and it seemed to be a great match. In no time at all, we fell in love. We were best friends through it all - I’ve missed my friend... I eventually joined RC’s church because it felt like family to me, and it still does. I love it there and the people love me.

We broke up in early July, just before a trip to Israel with my son. RC was also going on a mission trip, so the timing for the break sounded good.

I was the one who initiated because I snapped over several things that were going on at the time. We talked on the phone and came to a mutual agreement. I think he’d been feeling some of the same things but couldn’t express them. We decided we needed a break and agreed that if God wanted us to be together, He would find a way.

I told him that I wasn’t looking to date anyone and really just needed to focus on changes in my job, getting my son to college, and finishing college for myself. I think they were mostly excuses for not wanting to work hard at the R anymore. I told him that I loved him and that had not changed, but we had become more like friends than a couple. He agreed.

There were some key ingredients to what didn’t go well in our relationship:
1. Communication on both parts

2. Some intimacy/sexual issues (I am more HD on most days and he seemed more LD). He is also very strong in his Christian faith in that way. I was willing to work with that, but even then he didn’t give me what I needed and asked for. It seemed like he became less interested in me, although he would say he was. I eventually stopped asking. Again communication. That is something we would need to fix IF we ever had a chance at being happy. I think some of that would have been worked out when we got married, but I didn’t have enough faith to take a chance on it. We had conversations about his relationship with his former wife (he lost her to cancer), and it seemed that sex was not an issue in their relationship.


3. There were times when I needed him and he couldn’t figure it out on his own. Memories of my ex-H would flood back, of him not being there. And I feared that RC wouldn’t be there for me. I guess I still had some healing to do. I did try to express this to RC, but sometimes he needed to be smacked upside the head as a reminder. Communication AGAIN.

4. I had a fear of another failed marriage and didn’t want to settle with someone who wasn’t listening to me or meeting all my needs. I don’t think I ever really gave my heart to anyone since my divorce, even though I have been in some relationships. (The talk with RC in early November is probably the first REAL risk I have taken in years. And you can imagine how much courage that took to put my heart out there for it to be broken.)


5. RC had needs too, and I know I didn’t always meet them. But he didn’t always tell me what they were. One was to be with someone who had a strong faith and attended church regularly. I floundered there at times. But I was juggling college, being a mom, and a tough career. I put in a lot of hours, and sometimes I was tired or sick on Sundays and thought sleeping in was a better option. I also didn’t have extra time for things like choir or time to go out with our friends. Time with us was pretty special and we rarely shared it with others. We did see each other every week, but there were many times when I was involved with other things, stressed out about work, college, etc…that I wasn’t the best partner for him. He rarely complained about it, but would often tell people how much he worried about me. I also didn't show interest in things he enjoyed. You bet I've been paying attention in the past couple of months!

I could list other things, but in the scheme of things, they are just plain silly. And I am embarrassed that I even saw them as important back then.

I made a list the other day in my head, a list of all the things about him that I don’t like. That way I could make a decision that I’m just nuts and I would never be happy with him. I was convinced that if I made the list, I would see that I would have been “settling” and would not be happy. Well, that list was pretty daggone short. What a bonehead I was! Ugh!

Like I said, some things had been lingering, unresolved, and then a bunch of things came up at once and SNAP! I gave up!

We always thought we would get married so giving up was very hard. I also felt like I failed again.

I didn’t know what to do with myself at first, but thankfully I had the trip to Israel. I immediately started dating after that (big mistake). While I was floundering around, he was too. He got very lonely during August, and sometime in September or early October, he turned to an old friend he had met on Facebook (someone from high school).

The ironic thing is that I did the same. One of the people I went out with was also a friend from high school. I figured out pretty quickly that he wasn’t the guy for me and was a rebound. He was persistent but I eventually cut it off. I haven’t really been talking to anyone seriously since then. And I don’t plan to get involved with anyone anytime soon – hard to do that when you don’t have your heart to give.

After the trip to Israel I did a lot of reflecting about life. That included my career, my spiritual walk, and what I wanted on a relationship. Once I had some time to just be with myself and think clearly, God started working on me.

I came back from Israel and never really stopped being on “vacation time.” Something really changed in me. I now work less but have had the best year in my career. I am back in church and now I am in the choir and attend Wednesday Bible study (something I always wanted to do). Then I started thinking about what I wanted out of a relationship – not just today, but 20-30 years from now. When I was with RC , I couldn’t see past today. I couldn’t see past my frustrations with him and what wasn’t working well with us. Having the break gave me a lot of clarity about what I wanted out of life. God started working on me, and one day I just blurted it out to a friend, “I can see me with RC when I’m old.” It came as a complete shock (and a lot of dread too). She just looked at me in shock.

It hit me. OMG! What did we do????

It took some time but I finally got up the nerve to talk to him.

We talked about our R and what went wrong. I think we learned a lot just from talking to each other. We’ve talked more in the past couple months than we talked in the last year of our R. We forgave each other for things we did wrong. We shared some of our regrets. We realized we still had feelings for each other. Mostly we know that we still have a very strong connection and no matter what we still have a friendship that we can salvage.


I learned that he had been “talking” to someone (that is the phrase he uses). Her name is J. I have tried to be respectful when I talk about her, and call her by name as much as I can now. She didn’t do anything wrong and I don’t need to be disrespectful to her.

This is what I know about J….

J went to high school with RC. They found each other on Facebook a couple years ago. She also lost her husband, similar to RC who lost his wife, so they have a connection there. I knew that he was friends with her, but I never got any impression that there was any kind of EA going on with her.

J lives 5 hours away. That is why I only saw her for the first time last Sunday. She has been here to visit at least 2 times now. He has been there at least once.

J and RC have different religious beliefs. RC is a strong Baptist and has been in the same church all of his life. RC’s mom is also the leader of the Deacons at our church. J is Mormon and also appears to be strong in her faith. I bet the conversations about religion are interesting, and I’m sure his mom is about to blow a gasket over it all. SMILE

I don’t hold any grudges toward J. RC had every right to start dating again and if he was lonely and found a connection there, then I understand.

I just don’t want to live with regrets and wondering “what if” I got up enough nerve and took a risk and told him how I feel. So when I talked to him, I laid it all out there. He will know how I feel and I can try my best to move forward knowing that I tried.

In one of our very deep conversations, RC told me that J deserved a chance and he felt like he needed to see where that R would go. Then he asked “Since you are putting yourself out there, I’m going to take a chance and put myself out there. If I find out that J and I are just friends, and I asked you to spend some time with me, would you say no?”

From that conversation forward, I could tell he was different. He initiated contact, wanted to sit beside me, and it felt like we were more than friends. I think he was confused on what to do.

He would text me several times a day. One text complimented me on a sweater I wore the night before. He even texted me over Christmas when he was away at his sister’s farm. By then I had stopped initiating texts, but he continued. The texts have died off now and I am trying not to initiate.

He would linger when we would see each other, almost like he was dragging it out and making excuses to stay longer. After church events, we would stand out in the parking lot and talk for a couple of hours. One night we were there until almost 11pm.

We even exchanged some ILY’s, but I stopped doing that because it felt wrong.

Once I figured out that J was coming for a visit, I knew I’d have some serious heartache on my hands and would have to make a decision. I wanted to hold off until I knew for sure she came for a visit (I figured it out before RC told me on Saturday). I’m there now. She came.

Some people said that the visit was probably preplanned before RC and I started talking and he didn’t know how to get out of it. That may be right or maybe not.

Some people said he is probably confused. He thought it was over and after 4 months, learned it isn’t over. But he doesn’t know how to get out of the other thing, and being a good man, he wants to see that through. That may be right or wrong as well.

Either way, I’m still in the same place. I can’t be an OW.

I have made several changes in my life, which I will talk about in another post. One of them includes physical fitness and losing weight. RC has been helping me with working out at the Rec Center. I do go even when he is not there, but there are some machines that I am not comfortable using without him. I am also not going to do any weight-lifting without a partner. So I am still going to go to the Rec Center on Tuesday and Thursday each week. If he is there, I’ll work out with him. He is and will always be my friend.

I will also see RC in church on Sundays and at church events. There are also the get-togethers with mutual friends and lunches after church.

Unless I change churches, I am going to see him on a regular basis. So balancing the friendship with a broken heart and moving on….that will be the trick! I guess I will figure it out in time.

I sure do wish my Magic MAL Wand wasn’t in the shop!