Like Two Sparrows in a Hurricane (2)

[MAL]

"In some ways I could easily be the OW in this situation..."

Ding ding ding. How does this feel? What needs to change for the situation to feel good/OK for you? Listen to yourself.

It feels pretty crappy, to be blunt.

When I first started talking to him again, it was something I know that I needed to do. I didn't know where the other R was (it was still new). So it was all innocent, with us talking, trying to fix some things between us. We needed to do that. We found some forgiveness too.

Then I noticed that he seemed to want to talk to me, and enjoyed my company. I enjoyed talking to him too.

It hadn’t really been that long apart (just 4 months) and we clearly had feelings for each other still. We never fought and things ended on good terms. Looking back he also made some last minute attempts at fixing things, but being a poor communicator he didn’t come right out and say what he felt or wanted. And I didn’t pick up on them. I realized it later, and I could kick myself. It didn’t come in a pretty package with a big bright bow, but he tried in the only way he could (communication was a huge issue in our R). But even if he had tried to talk to me at that time, I don’t know that I would have listened. I was running away by then.

During that 4 months we still talked, texted sometimes, and we saw each other here and there, but just as friends. Contact was not the same. I also wasn’t attending church regularly because I felt so lost and out of place.

After I got up the nerve to talk to him, I could see we still had a strong connection. I wanted to see where things would lead. Could we rekindle what we had? I was okay with everything.

Now fast forward to this past weekend.

I am not okay with it anymore.

I deserve someone who wants to be with me and invest in me. He was THAT guy, just a few months ago. He is not that guy right now.

I don’t want someone who is confused and isn’t sure that he wants to be with me. I honestly don't want to be with someone who gives only a portion of his heart. I also don’t want to be the reason he only gives part of his heart to someone else. If this other person is where he wants to be, and he wants to see where that will go, then that is where he needs to put his thoughts – not with me.

He may own some of the issues that caused our break-up. And maybe he moved on too quickly with someone new (4 years with someone who you thought you’d marry is a long time). But he still deserves to be happy.

It’s hard saying that. But I know he is a great person, and I don’t want to be the one who makes him anything less. He is better than that, and so am I.

After all the pain I experienced with my ex and OW, I cannot be the person to hurt someone that way. I already carry enough regret over the break-up with RC, and I don’t need another burden.

No matter how you slice it, this is not a good situation. Even if he decides that the other R is not what he wants, I’m just a rebound. He’ll be floundering trying to fill a void, and that doesn’t necessarily need to be me. I am not a “void filler.”

And he doesn’t need to be a “void filler” for me either!

So you asked what do I need to do to make this situation feel good for me?

I need to find a way to be his friend now – however I need to balance it. Besides, I don’t really have a choice here. I am going to find some things to keep me busy and keep my mind off of RC and where he is. That sounds like GAL and detaching to me. Who would have thought I’d be back to this DB stuff after all this time?

That is why I came here. It’s clear that I still have some fixing to do in me.

It’s a shame I didn’t swallow my pride and come here earlier this year when I saw things going south for RC and me. I wonder if it would have made a difference – at least I would know that I tried. 4 years with someone isn’t something to easily throw away.