Journaling: Do we cross the bridge when we are ready or in crossing the bridges are we made ready? IDK. I do know the bridge is before me.
There is a part of me that completely believes this will bust. That it is only a matter of time. How could it do otherwise? Yet when I imagine what that would look like it is not desirable to me. The person I have become and the person she has become seem so at odds.
The drama and strife that pervades is so contrary to my memories and yet before me they lie. My old knee jerk to apply a balm still exists quietly in the background; occasionally rising to cause frustration. To apply it draws me into the conflict, so I refrain. I watch family walk into sharp corners and bleed. I do not think she realizes the damages caused. The kids are adults. They are mature. They have their lives to live, before them lies terrain to discover. They have earned the right to be treated as such.
Will we heal? Will we grow back together? This is a question for the future if we are given the chance. First this must be rent asunder. To rebuild it must first be torn down. It was diseased anyway and the two parts must heal separately. So I enter the next phase with few regrets in the promise of a brighter future. I will of course experience more drama and taste bitter water. It is part of the journey. I will be here for a while yet.
The storm rages outside, it is lonely inside, so I must fill inside. It happens slowly, so slowly patience and marking of even the smallest progress is important to stay the melancholy.
In another thread I read how the WAS probably sent many signals for us to read and interpret. In retrospect they were present. Some were even perceived at the time. They were not acted upon. Their importance was not understood. It was diseased. It still is.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
