WHG: Down the rabbit hole I guess

[workinghardguy]

Maybe "don't care" isn't the right term Mach... but it's not BS. I really am not wrapped around what she does these days. New Year's Eve she came home at 6am. I only know that because she later told me. I woke up at 5am and wondered for a moment if she was home. Since she had been sleeping in SD's room I had no clue. It's a seven foot walk down to that room, but I didn't bother to look. I didn't care. I went back to bed.

Three months ago I would've been up until I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore stalking her Facebook page and checking her phone records... wondering what and where she was.

But why bother? It doesn't really matter. Her behaviors are simply a symptom of a larger underlying issue. Whatever she does is related to that. And that's not meant to sound pathological... it's just that she has bigger issues going on with trying to be happy. So the things she does is related to that. Therefore, it doesn't really matter. Once she finds a way to be happy she will continue doing whatever it is that makes that happen.

And while that all sounds neat and clean we all know it isn't. Because while one piece of your life may come in to balance, other parts may fall out. Will moving out make her happy? Perhaps it will. But will the impact on the kids bring in a different type and level of unhappiness? Perhaps it will. Will not having me as a husband make her happier? Perhaps it will. Will being alone as a single mom create unhappiness? Perhaps it will.

I don't know that an in-house separation will meet her needs for independence and self-discovery. If it does... well, great. If it doesn't... well, at least we can say we tried.

Today in my IC session my counselor asked me, "if W and I didn't have a son or step-kids in the picture, would I pursue her? Would I hold the door open for her return?" And I really couldn't answer that. My first inclination is that, no, I wouldn't. I would move on. But I'm not sure if that's my protective reaction to rejection and pain talking or if it is a reflection of my true feelings.

Of course that's a fantasy world. We do have a S and we do have step-kids. I do believe we could have a M together and that having that M, while it would take work, would benefit the kids. So give all that I do care. I do care about my M and my family. But the day to day stuff she does is just the trees to me... I'm trying to focus on the forest I think.