I just wanted to give you a short history of the problems that have led up to my current status:
My wife is moving out in a week, and says its preamble to divorce.
About two years ago (Jan 1 2010) I started what some might call a spiritual awakening…I didn’t like where I was physically (40lbs over-weight), and was wise enough to know that if I didn’t address it, I would live a truncated life. So I became a vegan, and dropped 30 lbs. At which point I felt pretty bullet-proof so I also stopped taking my depakote (I’ve been diagnosed with bi-polar) in March of 2010. Nothing terrible happened, but I continued to search and learned more things, and pretty much changed my views of the world radically. I no longer support war or violence of any sort. I stopped playing games like Modern Warfare, quit watching television, and started to read and research many things outside of normal reality. Although I very much believe in God, I no longer believe any religion is necessary to come closer to God.
As nice as this awakening was for me, it obviously came as a big shock to my wife. Like Michelle says in her book, it’s not necessarily the message, it’s the messenger. And I definitely wasn’t the best messenger in the world. My attitude was terrible. We had a few arguments about it, and things for the most part seemed good for me. My wife works with a lot of men, and one of them in particular became a friend of hers. I didn’t really think much of it at first, but she kept throwing him in my face from time to time, and I eventually asked her if anything was going on. She denied it, but I was still uneasy, because they both worked in the same area, on many of the same projects.
Come September 16th, my wife and I were laying in bed and we were talking, and she all of a sudden started crying and said that I finally sounded like my old self. I couldn’t understand why she was so upset, but she started sobbing uncontrollably. As twisted as it might sound, I was actually happy that she was crying, because at least she was opening up to me.
But the next morning she basically said she was no longer in love with me, and she felt terrible…Now I went on for nearly a month and a half begging and pleading. There was also one instance on October 17th of this year where I talked her into having sex with me before she was ready. Of course it was awful, and she hated me for doing it. She no longer hates me, but she hasn’t forgiven me…and what’s more, a few days after that she had a make out session with the OM in his car after they got out of a meeting. She confessed this to me a few days after it happened, and again, we had more out of control discussions about us and our relationship.
Nothing physical happened, but there were points where I was lying on the ground crying my eyes out. Obviously, not very cool and composed. Thanks to my own willpower and the direction from my coach, I’ve gotten a lot better. However I’m still scared that she means it when she says she wants to divorce me, but like Michelle says, “why not give your marriage the benefit of the doubt?” Why not err on the side of caution, and be patient.
It’s my hope that when she gets out there on her own, she will find out how difficult things are, and more importantly, she’ll find out how much she truly loves me and needs me. I have been very supportive of her decisions, and am not letting my feelings trump my behavior.
Last, and definitely not least is my 3 year old daughter. I have great concerns for her well being despite what any book says about amicable divorce—it’s still a terrible legacy to leave for my daughter. As a son of divorced parents, I so badly want to break this cycle and reconcile our relationship, for my wife, my daughter and myself. Despite my change in beliefs, I still believe in the power of prayer, so if you wouldn’t mind taking a second, please pray for us.
Thanks.
"Things are never bad; it's the way you think about them." -Epictetus
