-- You don't see a way for her to stop relying on you? Quit letting her. Geez. She can't be reliant on you unless you participate.
-- Why don't you think that her being healthier will be better for the kids? What you wish is that she were someplace else in her life in which she could do that without separation and possible divorce. I'm sure she'd like that too. She isn't though. You aren't accepting how things are. You merely aren't arguing with her about it. She wants a better life. Her path to that life right now leads away from yours. That is just how it is.
-- What did you say to her exactly about telling the kids. Did you merely say "I'm not OK with that," or did you say more? Did you challenge her? "TELLING THE KIDS ON 1/8 WILL NEEDLESSLY HARM THE KIDS. W, if you need more emotional space, I am great with that, I need it too, but NOT at the expense of the kids welfare. I am fine if you move out earlier than 4/1. But it is SELFISH of you to push to tell the kids about our separating when you have not yet gotten yourself into a position to move out. WHEN you have a signed lease, then we can tell them two weeks prior to your move out date. There is NO REASON to put them through the strain of living in the house under the looming separation for months. It is flat out WRONG. The kids deserve better. You already know that. What can you possibly think is GOOD about putting them through additional suffering? WHAT is your motivation? Convenience for you with respect to packing time is NOT a good enough answer. Work on your packing list on your vacation, organize stuff. You can get it packed in one or two days CLOSE to your move-out date. I'll be happy to help you get things packed up. But it is NOT OK to disrupt the kids' lives for months so that you can save a day or two of vacation time."
Or, you might try FIRST to say that you are deeply concerned about S and her kids and that before you tell them you both need to talk to a family therapist together. Then talk to the family therapist first to let them know what is going on with the push for an early disclosure and her wish to pack.
And have such conversations in a public place. Stop the private conversations at home.
BTW, week to week childcare plans will NOT work when you are separated. Not sure why you can't set up a schedule now.
