WHG: Down the rabbit hole I guess

[workinghardguy]

Let me add some commentary Oldtimer because it's impossible to include everything in every post. Thanks for commenting though...

Get your finances separate NOW. It was NOT OK that you and W had to discuss her vacation budget. That should be NUNYA. Close all joint credit cards. Each of you contributes X money to agreed upon joint expenses.

We have. The vacation thing was almost a month ago. Since then she has her own checking account and I have mine. We put X dollars in the joint account each week to pay for the expenses as agreed upon in the budget. We have closed all joint cards. As far as childcare... we sit down each week and decide who is doing what for care. It's not perfect... things change and lately her work has changed her schedule on short notice.

This is NOT what was recommended. Tell W that you are NOT OK with it.

I have told her this. I told her when she first said it and I told her yesterday. She still intends to do it on 1/8 with or without me present. So then what? Dare her to do it? Not be there when she does it? I can't control her actions, I can only control mine. So my choice then is to be there or not be there. I want to be there. If there is another option I am desperately looking for it.

Respect your W. ALL WASs and ALL LBSs I have EVER seen eventually go through a period of re-adolescence.

This board is where I come to vent. I do believe she is doing the best she can. I can see it in and from her. It is what it is. But that doesn't mean it doesn't make me angry from time to time. I come here to get that anger out rather than directing it at her. So if I'm cheapening it on here it's because I need somewhere to direct that. But I don't believe I'm directing it at her.

Move into a different room in the house or suggest a way for her to have her own sleeping space in the house in a different room.

I have given her two options for moving to another room. She could move to the basement or the back bedroom. I have offered that we can delay some debt payoff to purchase her a new bed for either of those spaces (the basement is finished). She has not chosen to take either option. She doesn't want to take the option until we tell the kids. But even when I said, ok, then I'm assuming you'll need a bed solution come Monday she said "no, I'm not sure what I want to do yet". Where does one go with that? I suppose I could up and move, and maybe I'm just being petulant but I really don't want to leave my bed. Over this past long weekend, while SS and SD were at their dad's house, W slept in SD's bed. I made no comment and no recognition of it... because I didn't really care. She can sleep wherever she wants to sleep. Up to this point she remains in our bed because she is choosing to... lord knows I'm not forcing her to... how the hell would I do that anyway? chain her up? She has options but hasn't taken them.

As far as the teacher letter... I did not intend as a message to my W. I sincerely didn't. As I re-read I can see where parts of it are, but that was not it's intent. It was meant to tell the teachers what is happening and to try and quell the rumor mill in our little town.

I haven't sought sex or comfort from her in... well, a pretty long time. Not since that moment over a month ago.

I do accept that she believes she is doing the best thing for herself and the kids. I do not have to agree that it is, but I do accept it. Again, this is the place I vent about my disagreement with her worldview. But I do believe she is confused, in pain, and trying to figure out how to make it better. That she thinks if she can make it better for her it will be better for the kids. Of course that's not true, but I haven't challenged her view because there's no point. What matters is how she views her world, not how I view it.

What I haven't done is propose the formal "in-house separation" idea. We haven't gone that route because the kids haven't been told and it's sort of hard to explain why mom and dad are sleeping in separate rooms unless you tell them something. I can propose it. I think it has a 2% chance of being accepted. She wants to start packing next week as she has a week of vacation. It's a little hard to hide things like boxes full of stuff. But hope springs eternal.

There is this strong, single woman mantra working inside her right now. She can't connect with that reality while with me. Whether "in-house separated" or not... the fact remains that she is still reliant on me in some fashion. I don't see a way that will change.