I am about a week away from my wife moving out. She's chosen a rental house in a nearby town, closer to her work, and will likely sign the lease this week. The lease is good for six months.
She says this is a lead in to divorce. She says she's doing this to give me time to adjust, but after reading the "37 rules" off the forum I know that I should belive only 50% of what I hear.
I have been working with a coach over the phone (I wish I had started earlier, things may not have gotten to this point) and it's really helped. I'm passing a lot more tests then I used to (in other words-not getting mad, or chasing). Last night she pulled me aside to discus the logistics of the separation. I did a great job of not letting my emotions dictate my behavior. I was very nice to her and calm and cooperative. Near the end of the converstion, she asked me, “So how do you see this separation, do you see it as a time-out or what?” I replied, “I see it only as you have described it in the past (She said it was a pre-amble to divorce.)” After we were done with the discussion she said, “You seem to be taking this very well. It’s kind of weird.” I didn’t say this to her, but I took that as a compliment.
Of course I had anger and pain inside of me. I have a 3 year old daughter that I’m very concerned about. I’m so worried about how this will affect her. She’s so sweet and innocent, and the thought of her and my wife living apart from me in the middle of winter is very dis-heartening. We are planning to split time with my daughter…a 60/40 split that my wife devised.
What’s hard for me, is that my parents divorced when I was 6—and it wasn’t amicable…so seeing this cycle potentially repeating is saddening for me. On a positive note, if we do wind up divorcing, our divorce will be friendlier than what my parents went through.
All this said though, I’m not giving up on my relationship with my wife. I know she’s hurting too, and would much rather be doing something else than devoting all her energy to moving out. I just have to convince her that a future with me as her husband is the best and brightest future she can have. I’m going to purchase another 3 sessions with my coach, and keep working from a solutions based manner and hope for the best. In addition, I’m going to continue to visualize us reconciling and making things better than they were before.
This is my first post, and I guess I’m doing things a little backwards…I will put up another post of how I got to this point. Thanks for reading
"Things are never bad; it's the way you think about them." -Epictetus
