Feel free to skip this post, it won't really be different than other posts I've made to you. So, you know what to expect.
(1) Give W more space than she wants. You still aren't doing this. All this pushing from W is about her getting more space and pushing you away. If you would move away on your own, she wouldn't have to push. Get your finances separate NOW. It was NOT OK that you and W had to discuss her vacation budget. That should be NUNYA. Close all joint credit cards. Each of you contributes X money to agreed upon joint expenses. Each of you does WHATEVER he or she wants with other money. QUIT being in her business because of childcare. Put childcare on a fixed schedule. She will have to make that schedule work for her.
(2) MAN UP. It is NOT OK to tell your kids on 1/8 when she isn't moving out until April. This is NOT what was recommended. Tell W that you are NOT OK with it. IT WILL NEEDLESSLY HARM THE KIDS. Insist on talking about options with a C. Quit your eggshell walking. "W, if you need more space, fine, but not at the expense of the kids welfare. It is selfish of you to push to tell the kids about our separating when you have not yet gotten yourself into a position to move out. WHEN you have a signed lease, then we can tell them two weeks prior to your move out date. There is NO REASON to put them through the strain of living in the house under the looming separation for months. It is flat out WRONG. The kids deserve better. You already know that."
(3) Respect your W. ALL WASs and ALL LBSs I have EVER seen eventually go through a period of re-adolescence. It is perfectly normal. Your W is in great pain and is doing the best she can. ACCEPT her regret and concern at face value. Quit trying to cheapen it. She probably is trying to do the best thing for her kids which is to be a happy healthy adult in the only way she knows how to right now. It is where she is. Respect the strength it takes for her to do what she is doing. If she were somewhere else in her life, she could perhaps work on herself while doing it in a healthier way, but she isn't there now, and NOW is what matters in terms of what anyone can do in the present.
(4) Take initiative. Move into a different room in the house or suggest a way for her to have her own sleeping space in the house in a different room. You are sharing a bed with a woman who does not want to be in your bed. You don't understand this? Really? She is involved with other men. It probably makes her feel dirty being in bed with you for many reasons. She wants SPACE from you. She doesn't want to have to pretend to be comfortable being intimate with you. She doesn't want you to know when she is in bed and when she isn't. She doesn't want to see your morning erection. She doesn't want your breath on her. She wants SPACE. WHY would you want to share a bed with someone who doesn't want to share a bed with you?
(5) Take care of yourself. It is inappropriate for you to be her shoulder to cry on.
(6) The letter you wrote for the teachers is way over the top. And you aren't fooling anyone -- you mean it as a message to W to make her "wake up." Just stop trying to make her wake up and see the light. It does NOT help. It is pure pursuit which will get you only more pushing away.
LET GO. DROP THE ROPE. ACCEPT that she is doing the best thing for herself AND her kids by trying to become healthy.
IF you can do this quickly, clearly, firmly, then I think you STILL have a chance of avoiding a physical separation, but the chances are getting smaller and smaller. W will NEVER have a chance to miss you unless you quit being there. W will NEVER have a chance to see what she wants until you QUIT wanting what she doesn't want because she won't be able to tell whether her own questions about her choices are stemming from guilt or sincere desires.
Ask for an in-house separation. Sleep in different rooms. Make it officially OK to see other people but NOT in a way that exposes any of the kids to that fact. Do not seek sex or comfort from her. She is not your romantic partner right now, she is not even your friend. Let her go. And quit being around to get her lunch.
