Grace, Love, Compassion, & Faith - It ain't easy!

[Valeska19]

Thanks for all the advice and kind words everyone.

Journaling:

Happy New Years Everyone!

I hope everyone survived the best they could.

My trip home is coming to an end. It's hard to believe 3 weeks went by so fast.

As usual, it has been full of emotion.

There has been much good coming from this trip.

The biggest is for my mom. Having me home has been wonderful for her. She has pushed herself too much - and tires easily. But I can't stop her.. it brings joy to her heart.

My older sister and I spent our first new years together. I bought her a dress and allowed her to pick out my outfit. She acts strong but I can see the tears in her eyes.. she is sad that I am leaving.

I have watched 3 basketball games of my eldest nephew. He definitely has my family's talent.

My mom had a big prayer answered. My eldest sister handled the physical and emotional abuse between my parents alot differently than my middle sister and myself - she chose not to have a relationship with them really. She is very cold.. and very distant.

For years my mom has been praying for her to come to my mom's house and that we all sit down as a family and have a holiday dinner... well it happened and it was wonderful.

I encouraged my mom to reach out to my eldest sister again to have coffee whilst I take my nieces to see Chipwrecked. My sister agreed and they had a great time.

My eldest niece taught me the world of getting manicures.... everyday tasks were VERY difficult for the first 48 hrs.

I'm scheduled to get 2nd holes in my ears and take one of my nephews to get his ears pierced for the first time. As much as I want to show him how it's done.. I'm afraid he will get scared.

One of this surprising things has been how close I grew to one of my nephews. He (and his brother who is getting his ears pierced) have an alcoholic father... who treats them awful. Actually, since my sister won custody... the dad doesn't have anything to do with them other than send nasty texts.

My nephew is handling it hard. Failing school. He just doesn't understand why his dad doesn't want anything to do with him... won't answer his texts.. or sends random mean ones... he misses the small things they did together.. makes excuses for him.....

.... man it's like holding up a big..GIGANTIC.. mirror.

I listen and validate. I try to help him through. We went running a couple of times. He's very angry. He's a train wreck.

He has expressed to me that he wants to come to LA to get his "sh!t" straight. It will be something to think about. I want to help but I work 60-70 hrs a week. Having a 15 year old at home would be interesting.

So lots of good things to be appreciative of. My first trip home in August felt like it was for me. I worked through alot of pain and had many breakthroughs in that time.

This trip feels like it was for others. This holiday season seemed to be very little about what I wanted, missed, or hated (although I did have my moments of crying") and really about how my changes have/continue to impact other people. I don't know if that makes sense.

All of what I journaled about wouldn't have happened if I had not been separated. Now I don't believe God causes us pain, but I do think he allows it to happen (I've mentioned it many times) so we can grow and he can bring out the best in us.

Although this holiday season was hard and like many of you - I cried, and got angry, and ran my gambit of emotions... I also know God reminded me of all the changes my life was and have far he has brought me.


I was also reminded that time is very short. For those of you who are curious - It is clear that both my mom and sister's illnesses are progressing... however both are fighting (for the lives literally) and me moving home to "take care of the family" would actually cause them more harm. They both said that as much as they would love it, they aren't ready to roll over and die.

Guess I know where I get that from..

So I will plan to go home more often. My sister has planned her first trip to LA this summer as well as trip to the ocean. As long as she continues to fight and plan for the future.. I will do my damndest to make sure I can be part of it.

I will continue to water and care for the positive seeds planted over the holiday season - both in my friends and family.

Here's to a better 2012!

To answer your question 25 - Yes I know more change will occur and there is still much work to be done on my end... and Yes I too believe it WILL be better!