Well I'm a mixed bag of emotions right now. WAW and I had a couple decent months with a few signs of her softening and yesterday their was an argument that has led her to be short and have her guard up again which is very frustrating and painful.
We have been communicating well and I was sensing a tiny bit of flirtaion by her. I reciprocated slightly but still kept mostly neutral and didn't pursue. I'm now unsure whether I should have acted more affectionate or flirtatious instead of just playing it cool. I can't decipher if she feels safer because of my detaching and is opening up or if she is risking putting herself out there to see if we still have that connection.
The argument (I wouldn't even consider it an argument, it was a few brief comments in front of the kids but it definitely caused her to shut down due to anger) resulted from a situation that has caused arguments in the past. My WAW came to my house where I was with the kids the previous day and night and that morning. She came over around 2pm and she started cooking as she said she was going to make dinner.
We were talking and smart-allickly flirting w/ each other for about a half hour. She then said she was going to run something down to my neighbor who is also her best friend and is also just recently seperating from her H. Well, she was gone for 2.5 hours and my kids and I were joking and making remarks about it. "what's the over/under mom comes back" My WAW and I have gotten in arguments in the past when she says she is going to run down to the neighbors real quick and dissapears for a long while.
So she gets back and my oldest son gives her ish for being gone so long and she says something along the lines of "well you guys were watching football and didn't make an effort to talk w/ me." I said I hardly watched any football as I was doing laundry and organzing my youngest son's closet with him and also played and built a play town with him. I then said something like "maybe you should make a little more effort" and she got pissed.
The rest of the night she barely spoke and it carried into today where she again barely communicated with me. I obviously have not detached as much as I thought because I'm feeling really upset about this. I feel like I need to grow a pair and speak up for myself but also worry that when I make comments like this or something that may hurt her feelings then it sets us back. I feel like she is too sensitive but I realize I could of handled this much better.
I can't decide if I should give her a few days to see where she is and if the same say something like, "I've noticed you seem a little different towards me the past few days, is their anything you want to share with me"? Or if I should try to detach even further? My paranoid side thinks that she was beginning to soften and maybe open herself up and then bam I say something she interpreted as controlling or hurtful and is saying to herself "I knew I shouldn't have opened up"
This ish seems like such cruel and difficult times for people like us who have put in so much time improving ourselves and walking on the high road.
She is being cruel and selfish and immature. You are correct.
You have to be bigger. You cant say things like "maybe you should make a little more effort" because even if your right its not getting you the results you want.
Being right is not gonna make her come back. Being chill will make her come back.
Even though I am a girl, my New York attitude always told me if I didnt speak up and defend myself I am a wimp and a sucker. That attitude is wrong. That attitude got me where I am today.
Now when people say or do things that bother me I try not to say anything and just think about it. Then the next day if what they did still bothers me I can say something without sounding angry & mean but most of the time it doesnt bother me the next day.
I practice with my mom, cause even though I love her - she can really annoy me!
ps. When your kid was giving her ish, you should have told him to quit it - he shouldnt give his mom ish
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
ps. When your kid was giving her ish, you should have told him to quit it - he shouldnt give his mom ish
He was joking about it but you are right. I didn't really think about it but I think part of me liked that he was calling her out on something so I didn't have to and maybe when she hears things from other people or her son she may take it more seriously. I'll have to explore this more cause I don't want to take pleasure in that type of situation.
Thanks BK, I like your idea of sitting on things for a day. Tough to do in the moment sometimes but I will try to remain as conscience as possible to refrain from digging myself into any holes.
"So she gets back and my oldest son gives her ish for being gone so long and she says something along the lines of "well you guys were watching football and didn't make an effort to talk w/ me." I said I hardly watched any football as I was doing laundry and organzing my youngest son's closet with him and also played and built a play town with him. I then said something like "maybe you should make a little more effort" and she got pissed."
Ouch! Bad SIAS! My guess is your comments conjured up some bad emotional scars that triggered the response you got from your W. Maybe dig into that one a little to see where that has surfaced before and how you can avoid it from cropping up again.
Also, just my 2 cents here, but you might consider telling your W that your comments were not intended to hurt or antagonize her but you see that they did and you are sorry for making her feel uncomfortable. Then drop it. Just that little bit of validation might go a long way towards healing this small rift.
And yes, you do need to work on your detachment. Until you get to a point where you are no longer affected emotionally by anything your W says or does, you are not fully detached. So keep working at that!
All things considered, things seem to be improving between you and W, so keep it going.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
I'm wondering what peoples thoughts would be about changing some things in my home. My WAW moved to her own place about 6 months ago and I have not changed too many things except for my bathroom and a couple things in my bedroom.
Their are still pictures up of us and a lot of her stuff is still around. She is here almost every day so I'm sure she is aware of this although she rarely goes up to my bedroom or bathroom.
It doensn't really bother me at all so I have left things with the mind set of "keep the road home smooth and paved"
However, I'm wondering if it will be good for me to change things up and make them more of my own for my personal growth and also to move further towards detaching in knowing I will be fine regardless of what happens with my sitch.
An added benefit or problem will be my W's reaction if she has any. She could see this as a sign I'm moving on which could be good or bad. (Not possible to mind read)
I may need to think on this more as if I want to do it for me I think I should do it but if it's to have my W see anything than I shouldn't. As I said, it doesn't really bother me so don't know why I'm discussing.
Haven't posted on my own sitch in 10 days and am feeling the need for some reason. W & I are pretty much status quo, getting along pretty good as friends and co-parents. Every now and than some good eye contact, flirts, and a hug every other day or so but not a lot of communication.
She is currently out of state visiting her best friend and I am home w/ my boys. My youngest had to have 2 tooth extractions yesterday, it was a miserable experience. And my oldest is home sick today /w strep throat which means he can't play in his bball game tonight. That is a huge bummer for me. I am still a competitive bball player and coach and nothing gives me more pleasure than watching my boys play.
I have been getting lost in my mind recently about a few things. The first is I feel like I need to dig in deeper to really know all my parts in the breakdown of our M. For some reason I have difficulty remembering so I'm not sure what I can do. I haven't intiated a R talk and we haven't talked about this in 3+ months. I am extremely diciplined when I have a goal in mind (like not initiating R talk)but am wondering if I'm just being stubborn in not wanting to check in w/ my W on her thoughts about us or checking temp or letting her know my progressions?? I don't think I'm overly concerned about where her head is regarding us right now but that could change in an instant I'm sure depending on what she says.
I really want to work on myself more because from time to time feelings will resurface and I want to make sure that I deal with them instead of just moving forward. She had stated previously that she wants to remain seperated for 1 year (this is required in our state for a D to happen) so I have kept my timeline based on that.
Another fear I am having is that I'm scared she will not change some of the things that I feel necessary for us to begin a new and improved M and thus I'm not sure if I want to remain M to her. I still feel like she can be the 1 and we could have an amazing M but she would have to really commit and make some big changes. One of them is how unimportant I have felt for so long. She has always been a fixer and her friends and family really take advantage of her in dumping their problems on her and she has a hard time saying no. I have felt for a long time that her interactions with them have taken a lot away from us and our potential. Right now she has taken her sister and her 4 kids in w/ her to help her sister out as she was about to lose her kids. My W is now basically raising them.
This has always been a touchy subject for me to address with her as she feels I can be controling if she is not 100% focused on me and my kids. I don't believe I am that demanding so I guess we will continue to agree to disagree but I need more clarification on this from her as well as myself. I'm not sure if I can be M to someone who does not have me and my kids #1 (after themselves) as that's how my priorities are #'d.
Another thing is that it is still maddening when she is constantly texting. Prior and up to the bomb she would be texting her friends in our bed until she or I would fall asleep along with all other parts of the day. This is frankly unacceptable to me. It's like she is never fully present with me or our kids and I really don't know if she will be able to change that. (I know I have no control over this) My younger kids have been in tears before because she would not pay attention or respond to them and all 3 of my kids joke around and talk about how all she does is text. Is she 14?? I know now is not the time for me to make any decisions on this but I am fearful.
She has also stated leading up to this most recent trip how she just wants to run away and get away. Her job is really bad right now and I feel for her but I do my best just to listen and not solve anything (still difficult not to offer advice). She says how she wants to travel now by herself and go to towns where noone knows who she is and just wander/shop/etc. She said she was always afraid of this, to be alone and do things, but now it seems it is empowering to her. I told her I have great desires to travel too but I want to travel with my loved ones to create memories that will last forever. Maybe we are heading down two seperate paths. Timing is everything, maybe ours is off.
Only time will tell.
Glad I got some of that out and hopefully it is what I was thinking/feeling.
I've provided fairly lengthy response to your post that is embedded within the quote block below, so scroll down to see it all. I hope you find it helpful.
Originally Posted By: sayitaintso
Whaddup Everybody!?
Haven't posted on my own sitch in 10 days and am feeling the need for some reason. W & I are pretty much status quo, getting along pretty good as friends and co-parents. Every now and than some good eye contact, flirts, and a hug every other day or so but not a lot of communication.
Oh, but what I wouldn't do for a hug from my wife...
She is currently out of state visiting her best friend and I am home w/ my boys. My youngest had to have 2 tooth extractions yesterday, it was a miserable experience. And my oldest is home sick today /w strep throat which means he can't play in his bball game tonight. That is a huge bummer for me. I am still a competitive bball player and coach and nothing gives me more pleasure than watching my boys play.
I have been getting lost in my mind recently about a few things. The first is I feel like I need to dig in deeper to really know all my parts in the breakdown of our M. For some reason I have difficulty remembering so I'm not sure what I can do. I haven't intiated a R talk and we haven't talked about this in 3+ months. I am extremely diciplined when I have a goal in mind (like not initiating R talk)but am wondering if I'm just being stubborn in not wanting to check in w/ my W on her thoughts about us or checking temp or letting her know my progressions?? I don't think I'm overly concerned about where her head is regarding us right now but that could change in an instant I'm sure depending on what she says.
I often wonder the same thing. In the few discussions following the bomb, did I get everything that my W felt contributed to decision? All I can do and the same is probably true for you as well is to refer back to some of our original posts for guidance and reminders about the things we did wrong in our respective M's.
I think it is important not to temp check because if you do and you miss some important element that your W thinks you should already have known, then that could produce a setback that you don't really want to have to contend with. So, just focus on the things you know are issues, work on yourself, make yourself as attractive as possible, both physically but perhaps more importantly, emotionally and then let the tide continue to carry you along your journey.
I really want to work on myself more because from time to time feelings will resurface and I want to make sure that I deal with them instead of just moving forward. She had stated previously that she wants to remain seperated for 1 year (this is required in our state for a D to happen) so I have kept my timeline based on that.
Then do that ^^^^. Work on yourself AND keep moving forward.
Another fear I am having is that I'm scared she will not change some of the things that I feel necessary for us to begin a new and improved M and thus I'm not sure if I want to remain M to her. I still feel like she can be the 1 and we could have an amazing M but she would have to really commit and make some big changes. One of them is how unimportant I have felt for so long. She has always been a fixer and her friends and family really take advantage of her in dumping their problems on her and she has a hard time saying no. I have felt for a long time that her interactions with them have taken a lot away from us and our potential. Right now she has taken her sister and her 4 kids in w/ her to help her sister out as she was about to lose her kids. My W is now basically raising them.
It sounds like your W really needs to get away to find herself. And I don't mean for a weekend either. Perhaps the best gift you could give your W is to encourage her to get away from everything and everyone for a significant period of time. A week, 2 or 3 perhaps. Is this something you can help facilitate? Can she take a leave of absence from work to accomplish this?
This has always been a touchy subject for me to address with her as she feels I can be controling if she is not 100% focused on me and my kids. I don't believe I am that demanding so I guess we will continue to agree to disagree but I need more clarification on this from her as well as myself. I'm not sure if I can be M to someone who does not have me and my kids #1 (after themselves) as that's how my priorities are #'d.
Another thing is that it is still maddening when she is constantly texting. Prior and up to the bomb she would be texting her friends in our bed until she or I would fall asleep along with all other parts of the day. This is frankly unacceptable to me. It's like she is never fully present with me or our kids and I really don't know if she will be able to change that. (I know I have no control over this) My younger kids have been in tears before because she would not pay attention or respond to them and all 3 of my kids joke around and talk about how all she does is text. Is she 14?? I know now is not the time for me to make any decisions on this but I am fearful.
Your W appears to be lost. She needs to go find herself.
She has also stated leading up to this most recent trip how she just wants to run away and get away. Her job is really bad right now and I feel for her but I do my best just to listen and not solve anything (still difficult not to offer advice). She says how she wants to travel now by herself and go to towns where noone knows who she is and just wander/shop/etc. She said she was always afraid of this, to be alone and do things, but now it seems it is empowering to her. I told her I have great desires to travel too but I want to travel with my loved ones to create memories that will last forever. Maybe we are heading down two seperate paths. Timing is everything, maybe ours is off.
As I mentioned above, maybe you can help her find a way to get away to find herself and deal with her emotional demons away from the distractions of family and work life.
My W is just as lost right now and I am considering seeing about making arrangements for her to really get away from it all. Maybe encouraging her to go home to her family or seeing if she would be interested in just getting away by herself for a prolonged period to reflect and contemplate her future.
I am reading a book that was mentioned in a different post about a woman who leaves her husband for a year in order to find herself and how healing it is for her and her self esteem and her own sense of the woman she once was and the woman she wants to becomes. I think this is what our W's need, perhaps more than anything else.
There is some risk in this for the LBS, though. I mean, for me I'd want my W to go find herself away from all distractions. Hopefully making the determination that the M is worth saving. But what if what she finds is a life that doesn't include the LBS? That's the scary part. On the other hand, wouldn't it be better to know that you gave her that gift and got the true answer instead of forever guessing and then maybe coming back together only to end up in the same stale M or worse?
So I guess the question is, is this a gift you'd be willing to give to your W knowing that the reward maybe one only she would enjoy. But possibly one you both could share in a renewed M.
Just a little something to think about.
Only time will tell.
Glad I got some of that out and hopefully it is what I was thinking/feeling.
Best!!
Wishing you well!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
I guess I need to keep things in perspective and look on the bright side. I'm greatful that we have become better friends and I do appreciate the fact that we hug once or twice a week. Of course I hope for more most of the time but I will remain patient and wait for her to open up or let me know otherwise.
My bottom line goal is for myself and her to be happy as possible whether it is together M or together as friends or something entirely different. Sometimes it's hard to maintain that focus when emotions are running wild.
I have mentioned to her previously that she should get away for a while but at this time I think I want her to make that decision.
Definitely something I can consider thinking about further.
Also, W called earlier to check on our 2 ailing kids and I actually didn't even want to speak to her, still trying to figure out why I was feeling that way. In any event I told her they were ok and at the end of the call she asked if something was wrong w/ me as I seem to be a little frustrated or something. I didn't really like the way she said it as it seemed like she was baiting me into something but I just said I'm good, maybe a little tired. I knew that if I went any further about how its been a rough couple of days w/ sick kids she would of spun it into something.
Anyhow, went out to dinner w/ my boys and my mom and had a great time.
W calls me from the airport to let me know she's about to board. Talk for a few minutes, she had a great time. She tells me her best friend and her have committed to see each other every 6 weeks and to take turns on whose place they go to or go somewhere else.
I said "cool" and nothing else. My W and I have never, not once, pathetic I know, been on trip together as we had a son her senior year of high school and my 1st year in college and we were both overly protective of our kids and yada yada yada.
Anyhow, I have always wished to go places w/ just the two of us. Seems she's more interested in hanging with her friend. Our time is not now apparently.
Frustrated but nothing I can do. Cooking din for the boys and watching a movie after a full day of bball.
