WHG: Down the rabbit hole I guess

[workinghardguy]

Ok... so I tossing this up here whilst the convo is fresh in my mind. I haven't had much time to process it, but it was interesting.

W worked from midnight last night to noon today so she just got home. She had texted me earlier and asked what I was doing for lunch. I actually had no clue as I'd spent the morning taking down the tree and putting away holiday stuff. Pretty emotional morning as I was splitting ornaments into a "hers" and "his" boxes. She said not to worry she'd figure something out. I replied that if I went somewhere I'd let her know first and she could decide if she wanted something or not. So I ended up getting something and she asked me to get her something as well.

I get home and she's already home. We sit down and have lunch together. She starts talking about her night at work and a crazy patient she had. Then somehow we end up in R land. She tells me about this self-help book she is reading; which is the same book I'm reading (or will be once the library lets me know it's in). She tells me things she's learned about herself. Her need to be loved and secure. How her abandonment and abuse as a child effects her today. It was a very open and emotional conversation. How she hates what she is doing to the kids. How she is scared to death of telling them. I just listen and validate. At times I share little insights I've learned, particularly how they inter-relate with her... such as I'm a fixer who found someone in her who needed security and help.

She goes on to say she's sorry for all of this. That while some of this is me and my habits, that it's mainly her and her issues that have caused this. That overall I'm really a pretty good guy and a good husband. She just can't be with anyone right now; that she's never been alone; that she doesn't even know who she is. She thanks me for giving her all this space these past few months. For letting her go over to her new BFF's house frequently because it has helped her process and clear her head. I listen. I toss in that I want her to be happy and I can see she needs space so she can have all the space she wants. She apologizes for not being around for the kids enough. She thanks me for filling in.. both with S and with SS and SD. That she's lucky to have had me through this.

The last part she talks about her fears. Fears about her health post move-out. About how she fears she won't do enough self-care and will fall apart. Fears about money and affording everything. Fears about finding a house that is affordable and meets her needs. Again I listen. I agree it will be tough. I don't offer to give her more money, to find solutions, or anything. I just listen. This is a big 180 for me... to not fix, not strategize, not repair.

We end with some convo about the kids. I share my own fears about telling them, about what will happen. We share things we've written up on how to break the news to them. I tell her, finally, about S wanting to join my volunteer group. She agrees that if he still wants to post-break up news that she would be all for it, and that he's already brought it up to her himself. We agree to put that into the break-the-news script.

So weird stuff huh? Not what I expected from today... have to think on it more. But now I have to go brave the cold winds to take out Santa.. I mean take down Santa