DB is like walking a tightrope over the Grand Canyon.
On the one hand the LBS must keep a sharp focus on the positive for positive results, that the love you have in your M and for your H, to be the truth.
On the other hand, one must be prepared for the free will of the WAS and what they choose or "need to do" with their life.
I've watched you struggle with both sides of the possibilities. I've watched you do the DB, decide to leave, decide to stay, be ensconced in muddy waters, be clear.....
Will he stay or will he go? It may or may not have anything to do with us. What we do and say may or may not have any impact. I think most reasonably intelligent people get that. We are scared most of the time going through this. Flying by the seat of our pants with no prior experience. Learning more about ourselves and our spouses than we ever thought possible.
I do know that every word, every action has to have intention and come from a place of sincerity. So when you say things to him that are positive and with the intention to plant a seed of a path out of the fog, is that co-dependency? Or is that a voice of reason? IMHO, you have never seemed "co-dependent" and you have never seemed "controlling." Those are words of judgment and will serve no good to you or anyone else on this board.
You appear to me to be a woman who loves her H, wants her M and is willing to take an honest and hard look at herself whilst at the same time look at the reality of what may come to pass and protect yourself.
DB is in itself behaviour modification. We are, in effect, saying and doing things to bring about a different result in action and behaviour from another. Given that, one could qualify behaviour modification as trying to "control" another. If practiced without sincere intention to improve for the good of all involved, it is in fact controlling. Therefore, our purpose and intention must come from a good place, an honest place. We must realize that this is a journey both are on. The trick is to really look at oneself, to become very humble, and to wake up ourselves and make the positive changes in us that will hopefully bring about (a wake up call) a change in the other. If we do our changes with mal intent and to only "win" our results will soon be lost.
An A is a wake up call for both to come out of the fog, to get off our arses and tend to this R and M.
Freud said that there are two important things in a healthy person: FULFILLING love and work.
I do know that nobody can grow in isolation. The purpose of R is growth. Often M is the stage for healing. All crap comes out/gets acted out in the R and M because that is where it is. All R are mirrors of ourselves.
How do we survive? By owning our own $h!t. SO I hear a lot of that on here. It just gets delivered like 2 X 4s at times. I personally don't find that helpful....even if is "right."
I think folks sometimes get confused by the piss and vineger.
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
