WHG: Down the rabbit hole I guess

[workinghardguy]

And it is probably THE MOST difficult thing you will ever have to do.

Thanks 2TP... This is the thing I am most scared to death of in a very long time in my life. I had to deliver the eulogy at my dad's funeral when I was 19 and then bury him. That was the hardest thing I've ever done. I am guessing this will be either 1 or 1a to that.

We have agreed that we are doing this jointly. Thankfully W and I are getting along. The reason for writing out the questions is so that we can both be on the same page and agree on the messages. Also so I can have my IC look at them tomorrow at my appointment.

I think the important thing is to appear as strong and compassionate as possible for the kids. There will be plenty of time to grieve privately, so try your best to keep it together for the kids sake

This is the part I know I have to do but have no idea how I will do it. Just in the theoretical talk yesterday with my S I started to lose it... and he wasn't in pain yet. Once it hits him... well, I don't know how I'm going to keep it together.

My other great fear is what this is going to do about how I feel towards my W. I keep working hard to have compassion for her. When I get angry or frustrated, I try to think what it must be like for her. What the past few years have been like for her. While I don't believe, in an objective sense, they've been all that bad; I do get that from her perspective they've been torturous. That she's been alone, scared, sad, and "empty". Some of that is me and how I failed to keep connecting with her. Some of that is her, her depression, and her own issues.

But I'm very protective of my family. If the kids end up hurting the way I think they will... I don't know how I'm not going to hate my W. How I will be able to forgive her for going this next step. I know I played a role, but in the end I'm not the one doing this. I think I might feel different if we had taken steps, even perfunctory ones, to fix this. Had we seen a MC, had she seen an IC (more than once), etc...

So I am scared of that too... that after seeing the aftermath of this I won't be able to get back to a place in my heart where I can find compassion and forgiveness. I don't want to be XH who hates his XW... but how can a mother rationalize this? I just don't get it.