I have been reading these forum threads for the last 4 months since my wife asked for a divorce. I'm hesitant to post because it seemed I could glean many answers to my situation and didn't want to repeat a lot of what has already been said. However, there are some significant issues which I can't find that similar on this board. So here goes....
My sitch is married for 20 years, and have S16 and S19. S19 is a freshman in college and S16 is sophomore at a college prep boarding school. I feel our relationship changed about 6 years ago when my wife went back to work. a year later she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She is 5 years cancer free this past fall, her treatment was a mastectomy initially with a preventive mastectomy a in Sept of 2010. This was not a reoccurrence but a preventative decision. Wife is an RN and I am a pilot for a major airline.
W complaints have been I work too much, put my career ahead of the family, don't pay attention to her, wasn't there during the cancer treatments(radiation) because I was had to work. Talked about living like roommates for the past couple of years and why didn't I want to do something about it. I was too hard on our oldest S, wasn't a very good father and role model for our sons.
In summary, I've made every mistake you could make in a relationship it seems. Also, 15 years ago, I had a couple of incidents with drinking too much which led to inappropriate behavior of kissing and fondling. I did walk away from the situations before they went too far. Three years after these incidents, I told my wife about them so she knows everything. We worked through it and it seemed she forgave me, but she has always been extremely distrustful of me, which is understandable. I've never come close to anything since, made sure I was never in any type of situation that could be questioned. However she feels like I didn't do enough to help her with the trust issue and now says she should have left me back then and has never forgiven me for it.
Like many here, I've read every relationship book I can get my hands on; DB, 5 LL, 5 L of apology, If he only Knew, Tough Love, Hold me tight, etc. I've come to realize how insensitive I really was. I have made all the mistakes these books discuss. When my wife wanted to talk I withdrew because it felt like I was being criticized again. I'm to logical and stoic which meant I didn't communicate very well.
Of course I felt things we not great but I certainly didn't think we were headed for divorce. Last spring my wife took up skeet shooting and she felt it made realize how other couple interacted and we were not the same. Thing is, we got intimate a lot last spring, then in July we had an argument and from then there hasn't been any physical contact between us. She would get violently angry with me at everything, the F word is used all the time. It was directed at me mostly but even our sons got it sometimes. After the boys returned to school in August the relationship continued to deteriorate rapidly to asking for a divorce on Sept 20th.
That same day I felt the best thing to do is give her some space so I stayed with some friends for the next thirty days. I wouldn't contact her, but she would always contact me. The anger was and is always right there. Mid October I came back to the house even though she said she didn't want me to. While I was out of the house i would still come by when W was working to let the dogs out, do the laundry etc. I would also leave dinner of some type for her since she worked long hours.
Since I have returned I have been cautiously trying the DB techniques. The trouble is, if I wasn't attentive enough to her before then ignoring her wasn't the thing to do it seemed. She would invite me to met her for lunch occasionally on her day off. When I have tried to get a life it really makes her angry. For example, I wanted to go see the play "Grapes of Wrath". I invited her to go and bought a ticket for her. She said maybe, then said yes, then got extremely mad about me doing this without asking her first. She then refused to go so I went anyway. She got very angry that I went, accusing me of secretly meeting someone there. Her habit is to call me, say F You and hang up. This all occurred in November.
I've tried to do other different things such as go to a coffee shop to do some work on the computer. Even the made her very mad, the same verbal F bombs. I usually do all the cooking in our house, my wife has seemed to withdraw from any type of domestic endeavors. I do most of the laundry, the cleaning etc. Hasn't always been this way, but every since she went to work I have slowly taken on more and more of the chores. The two years my son was here in jr high, I went to all the school functions, teacher meetings etc while W went to very few because of her work schedule. Lately I have made an effort to learn how to cook better so I made some nice dinners when W got home from work. She was complimentary(very) yet made it clear a couple of nice dinners weren't going to change her mind.
I even made a big deal out of decorating the Xmas tree. I made a xmas music CD and some cider then spent a Saturday trimming the tree and listening to the music with her. A few weeks before Christmas she started to let me come in her bedroom were we talk some, occasionlly I would scratch her back or rub her feet if she wanted. We have watched several movies together within the last month as well. We went to lunch two weeks ago and then went shopping together. She texted me later that evening with"Are we ok?". I asked her what she meant and she said she had fun that day and hoped things would work out but that I shouldn't read anything into it.
She always makes it clear that she is going to divorce me and she is moving to Dallas. We currently live in Alaska and she has aged living here and can't wait to leave - I am in management and this was a corporate move with the promise of moving us out this summer or next. She blames me for moving here as well. I ad just started with the company and they asked me to move here within the first year with the company. I actually wasn't crazy about it but she felt like it would be an adventure. In fact I wanted to keep our house and commute up here to AK but she didn't like the idea. Now she blames me because she didn't want to sell the house and I should have commuted like she states was her idea. She never misses an opportunity to let me know she is leaving for Dallas, she just hasn't set a date.
My W has yet to file for divorce. She has retained a lawyer but wants to do this as cheaply as possible. We use her income to pay for college tuition and boarding school tuition. We make a very good combined income. Her intent is that I will pay for the boys tuition once the divorce is complete since I make 4 times her income and she will be "destitute". Of course this isn't the reality, if we divorce I can't pay the tuition on my income alone. She hasn't even given the documents to the lawyer yet to determine the financial division. AK is a no fault state, and it would be a fairly straight forward division of assets. W has actually stated that if I ever want to get back together wit her that this divorce better go smoothly.
Other facts about us, wife is 49 this Feb and I'm 46. She is going through menopause for about the last year or so. The anger and F bombs started last spring. She was sexually abused by her brother as a child. Brother claims it isn't true and her parents dismissed it as well. I know it is true because of how she told me(before we were married). I certainly didn't realize the implications of how this would have affected my wife as far as trust issues.
I have been talking to a DB counsoler since Sept. I'm working with Jody who is great. I have learned to have compassion for my wife and how she FEELS. And it has seemed that things were slowly getting better. We had a ski trip planned for a week after christmas with a family from Dallas that is my W best friend from college. W said they were uncomfortable with having me come so I stayed home. Leading up to the trip we told our two S about the her decision to divorce me. Although she wanted me to tell them that it was a mutual decision. I made it clear it wasn't what I wanted.
I asked my counsoler if I should get her a xmas gift and she felt it was a good idea. I got her a pearl bracelet. This was to replace a pearl bracelet I had given her in 2000 since the pearls where very worn. I told her in the card this was much like our relationship, can't fix it so lets start new. Well when I gave it to her she said it was beautiful and she kissed me on the cheek. That night they left for Utah and she gave me a hug(first hug since July). I thought things were again slowly getting better.
This is where it gets beyond my ability to comprehend. One of the DB techniques is to get into shape which I had already started last April. So the day my wife left for Utah with my two S it was Xmas Eve and she sent me a picture of her and the boys that said Merry Christmas. So I decided to learn how to use the timer on my SLR and took a picture of me and our two dogs in front of our Christmas tree. Thought it would be nice. Since I've started working out I've lost 45 lbs while gaining a lot of muscle. It has been a great stress relief of course. But this is where it gets crazy. Sending that picture to my wife really mad her angry. She texted me continually Xmas eve and the Xmas day with the some pretty hurtful comments. Here is an example : "who did you send that photo to besides me? F you, you have this bracelet and shove it up you a**". "You are and always will be a liar, a cheat and a poor example of a man!' etc. They went on like that all night. Of course I didn't respond. She assumed I had sent that picture out to my friends (or girls) with the intent of showing off how I looked. None of it was true but she wasn't going to believe me.
My question is this. How do I deal with this level of vitriol? Even my counselor was pretty shocked when I read her the texts. I have spent the last 6 months learning how much I have been a part of my failed relationship. I know I need to make changes. For the last week my wife has texted me every day with pictures but hasn't called. I know I can't expect anything, but I haven't even heard from my sons.
There is a lot more, but that is enough for this post. Would appreciate any help. I know Sandi2 was a WAW, is this level of anger normal. Both DB counselors I have talked to and my good friend all seem to think my wife really doesn't want a divorce. I don't know what to think after this last week.
