Putting it back together, but SSM issues linger

[Accuray]

I got a bit of an ultimatum tonight: "If this is going to work, you need to accept me as I am and not expect me to change"

In DB fashion I asked "What does it look like when I am accepting you as you are? What am I doing to indicate that acceptance? How will you know we're there?"

She said that my happiness will not be dependent upon what she does or does not do, that I won't be upset because of something she has or has not done, and I'll stop talking about addressing her sadness.

I believe it was my "no sex until Valentine's Day" plan that provoked this. It's only been a few days, but the self-control that "no sex" implies is attractive to me for now. That does allow me not to be dependent upon her. She won't have the ability not to meet my expectations because I won't have any. We'll see how I feel after 8-10 days when I usually start going nuts, but for now, it feels good.

She's viewing this as a step backwards and it's making her uncomfortable.

With regard to her ultimatum, I listened to it. I told her that I do love her unconditionally, but that accepting sadness in someone you love is challenging.

What I did not say is that it sounds like she's asking for a consequence-free marriage -- who wouldn't want that? I'll do whatever I want, justify it by saying "that's just who I am" and you'll agree not to be disappointed by it. Oh boy, I would love that too. Didn't you have an affair because I wasn't meeting your needs? Now you're asking me to accept the fact that you won't meet my needs, and to ensure you never feel guilty for not doing it.

I don't know, I'm not sure how to respond to that. Maybe I'll leave it for MC.

Accuray