WAW told me she idoesn't want to be married.

[witz10]

ok food binge over now kids are all in one room, my sister and her friends are sitting around talking and i am sitting in another room with my mom and brother watching tv. Not what i suspected i would be doing if you asked me last new years. Which was a blast my w's brother and sil came up from texas with kids and my inlaws came over. Drank played games and rang in the new year. Thats was fun. This i feel like i cam get more entertainment put ice picks in places wherw you don't put ice picks. If ya get my drift.

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=witz10]I am going up for xmas morning for presents and breakfast, which I will help out with if she lets me.

stop with the "if she lets me". Just do it. Don't ask

and don't act like you expect to be rewarded. This sounds like a parental function she should not have to do ALL of by herself anyhow...imo

I understand what your saying and over the past few weeks I have stayed to help put groceries away or picked things up she wants to be independent and show she can do it. She won't let me help. She tells me not to do something. When I was still there I would occasionally do dishes in the sink for her. She is like her father and very bull headed at times.


[IF your w believes you will hold the affair (I'll assume it's an affair for the sake of discussion b/c I don't want to get bogged down in whether it's an EA or a PA or whatever...)
so if she believes you will hold it over her head like the Sword of Damacles
or throw it in her face every time you feel insecure or angry,
she won't come back.[/b] This is one reason it's SO important you Not appear resentful]

She knows I wouldn't hold it over her head. I don't hold grudges life is too short especially when you care so much for someone. Yes I will have some issues to be worked out with her in regards to intimacy. She has slept with OM. She didn't say it I asked her if there was anything else I needed to know when I confronted her and she told me not to ask any more questions. At which point I looked at her and said your right I know the answer so I won't ask.
When getting back together this will be the hard part. I know this will take time.

[I believe Many more WASs would come home if they thought they would be forgiven.] How do you tell them that you would forgive them though?
[I say 2 things to that. First, to HER the marriage was unfair for a LONG time...longer than YOU realize and]
Your right she and I should have spoken about this more then we did.

True to Afirca

[Lose the anger, at least in front of her.[/b] I know that is hard. Believe me...but it does help YOU and your family.]
I don't show any anger when in front of her. She shows it more to me. When the kids spill a drink or not listen then I calmly help out and take over. I have gotten more patient since this has happened, I see the difference.

[that is all future talk and still depends on HER....]
I feel if you can talk and still see a future with a person then it could happen.

I tried indoor rock climbing and was ok till I lost my footing and my shoulder popped.

I want to take a comedy course down at a comedy club in philly but it costs too much right now.

I have to look and see what courses or other things I can do that would interest me.


I do stand up comedy. Yes classes are uber fun AND useful (and sometimes pricey)

but you can also go to open mics for free. Get Judy Carter's book on Stand UP Comedy ("The Bible") so you can structure your material and then start doing it...yep, just start once you have her structure down.

talking about marriage and mid life crisis or problems DOES get laughs...believe me...( I was at the Improv in 05 and dedicated my show to "my stbxh" and it went over really well. But since we are still married, it's the one tape my h will never see)


I also want to look into a comedy troop.

I have to figure out what I want to do. Sort of a bucket list.

exactly like a bucket list.

THIS YEAR your resolutions will be FUN and loving things to do.


One thing next summer a drop ride down the shore will be crossed off my to do list. I have gotten better with rides.

Thanks again
Happy holidays

[witz10]

25 just curious was the last post a christmas carol sort of posting. showing me what not to do and how to change certain things in my life again?

Thanks for the book to look for. I will check that out. Love comedy and love looking for stuff online on youtube. A buddy of mine posted some old DIY shorts we did for kicks back when I had hair on funny or die. I haven't watched them in a long time.

New year new life.

[witz10]

Found this article on Reconciliation

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/10/21/marital-reconciliation-qa_n_1008107.html

[witz10]

ok need more words of advice. Droppedmy kids off. Had a great time. Baths this morning, snacks, watched some of the mummers parade on tv then took them to the park for a while came back and watched the smurfs.
I was folding wash and my d came down to my room. She picked up my wedding ring and said daddy you need to wear this. I told her to put it down she insisted to put it on my hand. Can't argue with a 3 yearold.
Took them home my son had to poop.he holds it for days and the dr toldme to give him a laxitive. My w told him to take his time i then went around her and went into the bathroom to help him. So i took his shoes off and his pants to give him better position. He finally went called to me not w and i cleaned him up.
In the mean time my w bought a new hamper and mirror. I was going to ask her do you want me to take the old mirror off the door. Instead i said i was going to take it off the door and went to get a screw driver from the case which was on the dining room table. Her cell phone was sitting next to it. This is where my dumb luck comes in. Her screen was lit up and i saw his name on it with the word ok next to it. Just figured he was checking if i was there yet. I am looking for the correct head for my screw driver when a text comes through the phone lights back up. I assure you i did not hit anything. If i did she would obviously know i did nd that would not get me anywhere. Its from him and it says ok love you. Again my lovely dumb luck to see this. Now what do i do should i move on.
My neighbor told me on friday night they were all at my place and he wanted to go to a bar to meet his brother. She said no there was plenty to drink there. In my opinion she doesn't want to be seen outside with him. They were at a new years party last night and my neighbor told me she was nowhere near him.
Everything i am reading says in DR is right with this and what is happening. Is this her midlife crisis still. If he feels this way and breaks her then tech she will gets pissed at me. So confused i was doing pretty weel till i saw that damn text. Again dump luck or supposed to happen?

[witz10]

I do remember reading peoples posts on here about hearing the spouse tell the om/w they love them in front of them. How did you or they get past this one.
Everytime you start feeling good the $h!t hits the fan and you get knocked back 6 steps.

[verycrazy]

I never heard them talking, but I heard messages ow left my H, and read cards and letters. It's pretty devastating, so I can understand what you're going through. I had to take it one day at a time, and hope the A would end eventually.
vc

[luvless]

Look - it's all new just like it was when we were together.

Let's just see if "they" last.

[witz10]

Oh well text a few friends and got some advice to just let it go. I did everything right tonight I showed the initiative to do what needed to be done. Thats all I can do. Tomorrow wake up go to the gym and then to a furniture store to hopefully get some bedroom furniture. I could use a nice chest of drawers for my clothes and kids stuff instead of plastic containers. She has all the furniture anyway so why not get something useful. Then its time for my FLyers to play in the winter classic have some left over hor deuvers and meet up with a friend for dinner.
Tuesday I get my kids back.

New sleeping arrangment is working. Takes a little getting used to sleeping on a twin again but what the hell. Way I look at it I am back at square one. I was sleeping on the same twin back in 1998 wondering if I had a chance with my W back then. She was dating someone else. So I have gone from the twin then too reg size at her school to a queen. Now I went in reverse order queen, standard, twin. I Truly have come full circle.

[25yearsmlc]

25 Thank you for the recomendation for the class I will look into it later on today. Money is tight but hopefully I can do it.

I didn't put much thought into the gift for my W cause I didn't want to go overboard.

because? B/C you thought it would come off as pursuit? Or to punish or what? It actually sounds as if you DID put thought into it...and chose Not to get her much...




I can usually shop no problem for my W. I can walk into any store and I know I will find something that I like she will love. I can dress her from head to toe and know she will like it.

so when times are good, you are good at gift giving...are there other things you are good at when times are good

that you are NOT so good at when times get hard?


I guess because of everything I was affraid to go overboard. As well as not reaping the benefits of what I got for her.

2 x 4 time

THIS^^^ SAYS A LOT ABOUT YOU THAT IS NOT GOOD...think about it...and all the stuff I said to you about the EE workshop, is b/c at a fundamental level

you do NOT behave or seem emotionally appropriate for a man your age AND in this situation...

something is STILL not clicking with you


TThe funny part with my W was her mom giving her her present and she opened them, then pulled her mom aside and asked if she did something for me.

Witz you have been seeing a T for sometime now...what is HIS diagnosis?
Does the T seem to help you?

What would your w say about it?

If you don't mind my asking, seems you have some underlying issues having nothing to do with your w BUT that have probably affected her


Can you tell me some more about YOU and YOUR 180s? Specifics...things you WILL DO

not just mistakes you'll avoid...b/c for the life of me I just still feel like you are skimming the surface of your role in this

or at least what you post here. And yet you are quick to feel and express anger at her, often.

I don't sense a profound remorse in you for your role in getting here, yet your other comments suggest you have been less than an ideal h.

I'm sorry to say this but the success stories here are not frequent BUT They do outnumber the success stories of couples in trouble who do NOT DB b/c they stay in their old patterns

and rehash the past, never letting it go AND never learning from it.

But the success stories here, always include the LBSer changing themselves...

taking a brave DEEP look inside...and facing some things that are tough to face but doing it anyhow...

and changing THEMSELVES

without regard to "getting their reward from the WAS".

There are never guarantees in love or life. Never a sure thing...

Becoming the men/woman we are meant to become, IS a reward in itself...

I hope you'll take that look within and do the work YOU need to do on YOU.

That workshop is especially good for folks like you b/c it is a safe supportive environment

and if you have been going to a T for years now and

still can't dig deep enough to change, (b/c when you write about your role in this, it sounds like you are scratching the surface very superficially)

whenever you concede a flaw you follow it with a justification AND OR an attack or snide remark for your w.

So I sincerely do hope you'll take that mirror and stare awhile...

they say "the real journey in Life is an inward one."

Do you know what I mean?

good luck Witz, I wish you well...