H and I went out with another family last night for the early part of New Years Eve. H said it was fun and I thought it went okay. The other couple was kissing each other and being affectionate during dinner...I felt sad that H and I haven't been like that for a long time. We got home and H said he felt sick (seemed legit..our family has had a bug this week) and went to bed at 11:15. I started getting teary eyed because I think I'd had hopes that we might have a funner night. H asked what was wrong and offered to stay up until midnight if I wanted him to. I said he didn't have to. I then said I felt bad because one of his issues with me is that I am not fun. I said that I knew if he was in OW's city...he wouldn't be going to bed at 11:15 on New Years Eve. H said, "you are fun". I then went to bed with him and I said Happy New Year to him at midnight. He kissed me on the top of the head. I felt okay about that and I am realizing as I type this that it was a pretty nice night compared to a lot of people on this board.
Today though, H was texting like crazy and being secretive...so I assume it was with OW. He hasn't told me his travel plans yet for this week...so I'm not sure when he is leaving. He's committed to staying until our counseling session on Tuesday.
I'm glad we are going to counseling, but I am also dreading it. I really don't think H is ready to give up his A. His heart is with OW and she's getting all of his emotional energy. I really believe I need to stay strong and tell him we need to separate if he isn't willing to give up the A. I think H will do what he can to stay on his beloved fence and keep eating his cake. Hopefully, the counselor can help us move forward in some way.
Also, I found clear evidence that H went on a trip the week before Christmas and lied about it to me. From what I've read, his lying and covering up is not a good sign...it's a sign he's more aligned to the A than he is to me. But, at least I know what I am dealing with. I haven't called him out yet on the lie because I don't want him to get even more deceptive about what he is doing.
I also need to recognize that this is the longest that H has been home and not with OW. I think some of the bad feelings I'm having just haven't really had the chance to surface before because he usually left. Hopefully OW Is getting mad that he's not around...but I also don't trust he isn't promising her vacations, etc. to make her feel better.
Our ski trip was pretty fun. The kids had a great time and H had a good time with them. It's just the piece between us that is totally missing.
M 44, H 46 D11, D9, D5 Married 12 years PA confirmed 9/2011 I filed 3/2012 H moved out 7/2012
