WHG: Down the rabbit hole I guess

[workinghardguy]

Journaling/updates... New Year's Eve was a pretty fun night for S and I. We left well before W was heading out. I was surprised that she asked me to take lots of photos, that was out of character for her. She also asked me to have S call her before he went to bed. Also out of character.

I know from what I've written it doesn't seem my W is overly connected to the kids. And from a healthy mom/child R perspective she probably isn't. But, lately I have noticed an increase in her attachment, or attempts at attachment at least. I'm not sure if it's in response to my observations of how she shortchanges them, feelings about the coming sitch, or something else. But all in all it's a welcomed change.

S and I had a lot of fun. We went to a family event first. That was hard at times. The event was at our local convention center, which is where W's nursing school graduation was only a few years ago. Seems like last night there was a memory everywhere I looked. The parking lot where we first kissed. The restaurant where we told my mom my W was pregnant. The parking ramp where we made out before we went back to my place and ML for the first time. The plaza where we took our last "family photo" before her graduation ceremony. The same hall in the center where she graduated, I could even identify the seats we sat in to watch her get her diploma. That was pretty hard.

Afterward we grabbed some ice cream and then headed to an indoor amusement center. We stayed there until almost midnight playing laser tag, bumper cars, ropes course, and other stuff. S had a blast and so did I. Only succumbed to sorrow a few times. My S befriended some other boys and as we went to leave their dad thanked me and told me he thought it was great that I got in there and played with the kids too. That he'd love to do that but W wouldn't approve. I wanted to pause and chat with him to say, "just do it man... just do it anyway" but we were running late. We finished the night with fireworks from the bluffs and S was asleep by shortly after midnight as we drove home. W did call me about 11pm wondering if S had gone to bed and I'd forgotten to have him call her. TOld her no... we're just in the middle of bumper cars, we'll call you in a few

W got home around 6am this morning. I woke up at 5am and wasn't sure if she was home... I had the urge to go check, but then didn't care and went back to bed. Ran some errands and watched the football game today. Played some more Kinect with S. W and I talked a little about our nights. At one point I did have to got to the basement because the emotion of the coming convo with the kids just came out of nowhere and overwhelmed me.

Two moments from today that were especially tough... W was discussing her work schedule this week with me. She mentioned that she wants to get to the bookstore to get some children's books we've found that help little ones understand divorce. S overheard her and asked why she was going to the bookstore. W told him to get some books for him. He was so excited that we're getting books for him! W didn't know I could see her face (S wasn't able to see her face either) and I could see this tortured, painful look on her face and then she started to cry.

The other really hard moment was when S started to ask questions about family relations. Then about W's XH and SS and SD. We talked about it... about why mom and XH stopped being married. About how it happens some times and it doesn't mean mom or dad are bad and it's certainly not the kids' fault. After talking for a few minutes my S puts his head down on my chest, gives me a huge hug, and says "I hope that never happens to you and mommy, daddy." Oh god... just kill me now...

W posted to a mutual friend's FB page today about how she's trying to get to be a strong, single woman. I am pretty tired of her "heroine" storyline she's concocted in her head. There is nothing brave or heroic about what she is doing. I don't think she realizes that I am also FB friends with this woman. And the woman who posted the article about strong, single women certainly is entitled. She was the one who found out her fiance was already married and had a honey on the side besides her and his W. A few months ago that would've wrapped me up... now it just annoys me that she sees herself (or at least projects) as this brave, avant garde figure.

W works nights tonight until noon tomorrow and then will come home and sleep. So at least the house is mine for a while and I'm off tomorrow. I'll be taking down holiday stuff and will start to box it into "hers" and "mine". I suspect that will put me in a great mood.

Trying to remain strong... just wanting this week to be over and never wanting it to come all at the same time. By this time next week the telling of the kids will be complete... and I suspect we will have a very sad house.