Like Two Sparrows in a Hurricane (2)

[MAL]

For the first time in over two years I recently started a new thread here.

Some may remember me, many will not, but I started here in 2002 when my ex H dropped the bomb. There was an OW, a lot of back and forth for several months, H returning home, H leaving again, H doing some incredibly hurtful and selfish things, eventual D, and H and OW eventually getting married.

I was great at DBing, and I do believe in it. But a lot of DBing is about working on yourself, which I learned in time (like many of us).

So as you can see I am not really a Newcomer. Most of what I am experiencing today is all relating to Surviving…healing a heart that is afraid of risk, dating, new R’s, fixing things about me that are probably still broken or in need of updates, etc…

I read some of the threads on Newcomers and I am in a different place, so here I am, back in Surviving.

That’s what I’m trying to do, Survive in a world post-divorce, when it’s hard to trust again, hard to let go, take risks, and no matter how much healing I think I’ve done, I learn that there is much more to do inside of me.

That inability to trust, have some faith, and let go of my heart is one of the biggest reasons I am here again. I gave up on a R that I had been in for 4 years.

I am here not just because of that R, but because I know I still have some work to do in me.

Here is a link to my most recent thread, if you are bored and feel like reading. lol
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2207398#Post2207398

My last thread (from 2009 I think) is here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2152445&page=1
That includes links to the past going way back to 2002....I don't even expect you to read it all, but this way I am keeping it all linked together.


(Now let's see if the links work???)

[kml]

That inability to trust, have some faith, and let go of my heart is one of the biggest reasons I am here again.

Oh, that is the trick, isn't it, Mal?

I find in SOME ways dating is easier - after all, the WORST that could happen to me (being left by my beloved husband of 24 years) has already happened. Compared to that, what's the big deal about being dumped by a boyfriend? I find I am more fearless in my romances in some ways - I'm not needing marriage, or financial support, not rearing any more children - so my needs are simpler and I have more faith that if one guy doesn't work out, another will be along soon.

On the other hand - I'm definitely WAY more suspicious, and probably overly prone to pushing someone away if I fear that they are not going to be "safe" to give my affections to.

My current boyfriend has a very busy stressful life and is a very poor communicator (in the sense that he seldom calls or texts). When we were first dating, I didn't understand him, and jumped to the assumption that he might be married or seeing other women (he wasn't). Then I assumed his inaction meant he just wasn't that into me (he WAS). I even broke up with him at one time (he accepted responsibility, waited patiently, didn't see other women, and won me back over with his sincerity - and total yumminess ).

I guess my point is - I'VE been the main problem in our relationship, because I've been so afraid to trust that something this good could be real. I've been so busy looking for red flags (and yes, we SHOULD be on the lookout for them) that I've been creating drama where there is no need for it.

[MAL]

Yep, Ellie. You hit the nail on the head. I don't think I ever truly took any kind of risk since my D. Until recently, when I got up the nerve to go back to church and to talk to RC.

And knowing that I'd most likely be hurt or rejected, I put my heart out there, for the very first time. I know that RC knows that too (he told me when he realized it), which probably made this even more difficult on him.

I have dated several guys since the D, but this was the longest R. However, I don't think I ever really let it all go and I was afraid.

After the D and all I went through with my ex, I know how strong I am and what I can do. So why so much fear?

Anyway, there were issues, like any R, but I know I was the main problem in the R with RC, and I own that.

[MAL]

This morning was one of the first times in a very long time that I did not respond to a text from RC. I always respond to him, happy-go-lucky, positive, upbeat. I just didn't see a need to respond because I knew that he knew it would bother me and be on my mind. Why was there a need to respond?

It must have been on his mind because he forwarded the same text to me earlier this evening. I hadn't considered the possibility that he wouldn't know if I got the text if I did not respond.

Realizing he was probably stressing about tomorrow morning, I decided to respond with a simple "Ok. Thanks."

Yeah, I bet I was on his mind today. And I don't think I will be the only one "acting as if" in church tomorrow. I can't help that. It is what it is.

On a fun note, I had a great time at my B's house tonight. We had dinner, played Apples To Apples with the kids, watched Karate Kid, and watched the ball drop. Now it's time for this old lady to get to bed. That alarm goes off early on Sunday mornings. A nap tomorrow afternoon may be in order....yawn!!

Happy New Year!

[MAL]

I just looked at my work phone and see a text from RC on there too. It came around the same time as the other one tonight. He really wanted to make sure I got the text.

[SunFunOne]

Hey Mal,

Welcome back. I'm sorry to hear you are going through another breakup but I honestly think the recover is much faster after all that we have been through.

Not really awake yet but wanted to say hi and Happy New Year and...

We had dinner, played Apples to Apples, watched Captain Ron and watched the ball drop. Ha! We're on a similar course.

Barb

[MAL]

Hi Barb. Happy New Year to you too! So who won Apples to Apples? I techinically "won" but then they decided to play longer, so I ended up losing in the end. Drats! I love a good competition! SMILE

[MAL]

RC's friend was in church and I survived. When people were introducing them self in Sunday school class, I got up, walked over, shook her hand and introduced myself. I am assuming she knows who I am (or at least RC's ex GF).

I did my best in class, singing in the choir, and I sat a couple rows behind them with one of my GF's H's (GF works on Sunday morning).

One of the women at church kept checking on me to make sure I was okay, and sat with me during class.

She said "You keep coming here every Sunday. Sing. Enjoy yourself. Smile. Be Happy. Be YOURSELF. And next Sunday, you come back here and you sit beside him like nothing happened."

Hmmm...I will have to think about the sitting by him part. A small ripple in a small church isn't always small.

I held up pretty well until the very end of church when we sang my Grandma's favorite hymn. It always makes me get teary eyed, and the tears were ready to flow. I made it though.

After church, I went up the middle aisle, instead of the side where I would usually walk (and where RC and J were standing talking to people). I talked to a couple people and politely walked around them and out of the santuary. I said a couple goodbyes and quietly slipped out the side entrance.

I had hoped to be gone before RC and J came out. But they walked out just as I was pulling out of the parking lot. Another woman from church was standing beside her car and smiling at me, and I waved at her. Since RC and J were right behind them, the wave could have been to any of them. RC turned around just as I waved, but I know the woman, and J saw it.

I noticed a lot of people were nice to me today, and I got a lot of smiles from the choir loft when we were singing. This lady by the car was smiling at me a lot.

Even RC's mom was in a good mood, making fun of how YS and I kept calling her Daisy on the way home last week (from the movie Driving Miss Daisy), and she made jokes about it when we were getting our choir robes on.

A few people were extra attentive -- just an extra smile, a longer hug...I noticed it.

I know they know. And it helps to be a member of the church family and loved in that way.

I am confident that he felt my distance today, but I hope it didn't surprise him. I also hope that I didn't hurt him by anything I did or my lack of "chatter" after church like I normally would do.

I hope he understands. I am a strong woman, and I have been through so much. I can put on my best "act as if" since my exH and OW have provided a lot of time to practice over the past 9 years. But I won't subject myself to it any longer than I absolutely have to.

I know that RC knows the stories of things I had to experience during those "practice" sessions, and I hope he realizes what it took to get through that.

I was at church today because it was church, not because of RC. I feel like that mission was accomplished.

So now I go back to meeting him where he's at. I respond if he texts. I work out at the Rec Center two nights a week, and if he's there, I'll work out with him. If he is in the mood to talk, I'll talk. And we will see where it all goes.

But I am pretty confident that things will be different after today....one way or another. I can't hide it.

However I know that I'm going to be okay. No matter what.

[kml]

You WILL be! And if he's not meant ot be, someone better will come along!

(But just curious - what did you think of HER? Wonder what kind of vibe she got from the whole thing?)

[MAL]

Ellie,
I had checked her out on Facebook so kind of knew what she would looks like.

Then I saw her and she just didn't seem to fit. Of course she was around people she didn't know, in front of me, with a guy that she is trying to figure out, in a church where she doesn't share the same faith....that is a lot of stuff for someone to face.

But to me she didn't seem to have a light-hearted way about her like I think RC would want and be attracted to. She seemed distant, sad maybe, or a bit rigid. It also seemed like there was a pain and sadness in her, or a lonliness (I don't know how long ago she lost her H or what her life has been like.)

I can't put my finger on it, but I again may not be the best person to comment.

She was very plain, like there was little attempt to dress up and look nice. No make-up, nothing special with her hair. PLAIN. I guess the best way to say it would be that she isn't anyone I would ever be jealous about.

But then again RC isn't the type to look for outside beauty. So that didn't surprise me.

The lack of a spirt and light shining from within....that WAS a surprise. But again, maybe it was the situation or my impression of her.

RC would never be with someone who didn't have a good heart and wasn't a kind person. So she must be okay. I just didn't pick up anything that told me this was the gal for him. It seemed like a mis-match in some ways.

I watched during Sunday school and church and didn't see them touching or anything to indicate they were a couple. But then again they are still learning about each other and that may be seen as inappropriate in church (and I don't know how strong her faith is either).

Cute story to share (not sure I shared this one already or not)...

When I first started talking to RC again, my friend K told me what her H had said to her after he met J for the first time. He said something like "RC would rather date her then MAL? MAL is so much hotter than that. I'm not saying I want to go out with your friend K, but MAL is a lot hotter than she is! What is he thinking?" lol - it still makes me chuckle to think about her telling me that story about what he said.

I don't know what kind of vibe she got, but it had to be an uncomfortable morning if she knew who I was.