Like Two Sparrows in a Hurricane (2)

[MAL]

RC's friend was in church and I survived. When people were introducing them self in Sunday school class, I got up, walked over, shook her hand and introduced myself. I am assuming she knows who I am (or at least RC's ex GF).

I did my best in class, singing in the choir, and I sat a couple rows behind them with one of my GF's H's (GF works on Sunday morning).

One of the women at church kept checking on me to make sure I was okay, and sat with me during class.

She said "You keep coming here every Sunday. Sing. Enjoy yourself. Smile. Be Happy. Be YOURSELF. And next Sunday, you come back here and you sit beside him like nothing happened."

Hmmm...I will have to think about the sitting by him part. A small ripple in a small church isn't always small.

I held up pretty well until the very end of church when we sang my Grandma's favorite hymn. It always makes me get teary eyed, and the tears were ready to flow. I made it though.

After church, I went up the middle aisle, instead of the side where I would usually walk (and where RC and J were standing talking to people). I talked to a couple people and politely walked around them and out of the santuary. I said a couple goodbyes and quietly slipped out the side entrance.

I had hoped to be gone before RC and J came out. But they walked out just as I was pulling out of the parking lot. Another woman from church was standing beside her car and smiling at me, and I waved at her. Since RC and J were right behind them, the wave could have been to any of them. RC turned around just as I waved, but I know the woman, and J saw it.

I noticed a lot of people were nice to me today, and I got a lot of smiles from the choir loft when we were singing. This lady by the car was smiling at me a lot.

Even RC's mom was in a good mood, making fun of how YS and I kept calling her Daisy on the way home last week (from the movie Driving Miss Daisy), and she made jokes about it when we were getting our choir robes on.

A few people were extra attentive -- just an extra smile, a longer hug...I noticed it.

I know they know. And it helps to be a member of the church family and loved in that way.

I am confident that he felt my distance today, but I hope it didn't surprise him. I also hope that I didn't hurt him by anything I did or my lack of "chatter" after church like I normally would do.

I hope he understands. I am a strong woman, and I have been through so much. I can put on my best "act as if" since my exH and OW have provided a lot of time to practice over the past 9 years. But I won't subject myself to it any longer than I absolutely have to.

I know that RC knows the stories of things I had to experience during those "practice" sessions, and I hope he realizes what it took to get through that.

I was at church today because it was church, not because of RC. I feel like that mission was accomplished.

So now I go back to meeting him where he's at. I respond if he texts. I work out at the Rec Center two nights a week, and if he's there, I'll work out with him. If he is in the mood to talk, I'll talk. And we will see where it all goes.

But I am pretty confident that things will be different after today....one way or another. I can't hide it.

However I know that I'm going to be okay. No matter what.