Great posts Greenblue ... I haven't read your sitch, but you are obviously doing the work. Impressive.

David - read everything Greenblue said ... and then read it again.

Greenblue is absolutely right in that you can't start at the technique end. You need to rebuild an emotional connection and let that intimacy lead you to the sexualisation, of your marriage. That is really hard work under any circumstances and in the entire time I've been here and reading on the SSM board I've only read one person who's actually turned their SSM around and is more deeply in love with his wife than ever with an intimate and satisfying sex life with his wife ... after 30 odd years of marriage. It's important to remember though with his case, that his marriage wasn't in crisis. He had made a decision that he may make some alternative arrangements for his life if things didn't change - but he did the work - and his wife did what was hard painful work with him -after she understood the issue was so important to him that it was threatening their marriage. You should read his thread, he posts in SSM under the name Young at Heart.

I think it's important to make a point here, that if we are being realistic, the timing for you to do ANYTHING for your wife is not good. I note this post is in Piecing - but it's not clear to me that your wife is emotionally engaged in your marriage.

My advice to you is that you need to get back to some pretty strict DBing, focus on you and your children, live your life as though it doesn't matter what she decides to do, because you are going to be OK anyway. Man up on the other stuff. Finish reading No More Mr Nice Guy and really internalise that stuff.

You've talked about some of the things you'd like to improve about yourself (health and body), think about what else you have in your life that gives you pleasure. Reengage in hobbies. Renew friendships and relationships with family, friends, community groups .... GAL your heart out ... because you have to make yourself desirable to your wife - and the only way you are going to do that is by being the best YOU, you can be.

MWD talks about sex while DBing and she says (from memory) that if sex is something that is going to bring you closer together - than you might consider it. As you've already identified, where there is infidelity, that's a whole other level of complexity and you really need to think about your boundaries.

A tip ... if I may .... you said

Quote:
I really think she wants a guy that is going to come in and take control. She only responded to me sexually when I took her and had my way with her...I was rougher than usual. I did what I wanted to her.


... well ... do what works my friend.

I could go into why this works, and if you're interested I will (when I get some time cool , but trust me .. most women want to be taken by their men. She wants you to be the leader and she wants you to lead and she wants you to lead strongly. There are degrees of the extend to which particular women want it - some want to be completely dominated, and that's the only way they can respond - others, most I suspect, need the man to lead the sexuality in a dominant and loving way, until she feels safe enough so that you guys can have the fun and intimate conversations about why you respond the way you do to different foreplay/ideas/stimulations etc .. and you can experiment with swapping it up so that sometimes you lead, sometimes she does.

Lots of issues in there ....

Hang in there David. This is tough stuff.

You put your focus on you. Read the Forums, GAL, look after yourself. Live your life ... if your wife wants to come along ... she'll follow.

V

V

Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.