The Rollercoaster Ride...3

[Lorie1964]

I know I don't post often. I don't have much to update as I don't really see H much. So I will update and then journal a bit.
The Friday before Christmas one of my daughter's friends and Marching Band member died in a car wreck. It was so hard to tell my daughter this young lady had died. It was a hard week for us both. The funeral was on Wed and the marching band dressed in uniform and attended the funeral together. We parents sat behind the kids. Cliff did come and sit by me. I believe it was the first time in over a year he was at Mass. It was surreal in more ways than one to be in that place and time with him. I was pleasantly surprised that he did go up for a blessing during communion. God really is working on him whether he know it or not. After the funeral we all went back for a meal with the family. I sat with several other mothers and it was so odd that H was hovering around me, though he did not stay to eat, everytime I turned around he was there. Even D17 stated it was creepy, like he was stalking me. One mother said, it is sad, because it is like he is lost and does not know how or what to do on his own. He is missing us as a couple when he is in the environment, especially because I am so stable and comfortable.

This Christmas was so much better than last Christmas. First, I was determined to live in the season and be joyful. Second, I really enjoyed the celebrations I attended. It was much fun. I hosted my H's family Christmas at my home. This is a continuation of what I have done in the 6 or 7 years for my MIL who was just too overwhelmed to do it at her house. Last year I did not do this, just because it was just post BD. So MIL did it again and I could tell it still overwhelmed her. So I had everyone here including H. It was fun and D17 gave H his gifts that night, as he did not ask nor inquire to have any time with her on Christmas eve or day. My MIL was so funny as she constantly complimented me on my looks, demeanor, how much she loved my food and decorations. I think she was trying to remind H how great I am. I do love that woman. I don't know if he even noticed, but I did catch him starting at me a couple of times and I would just smile at him and turn my attention to someone else. He even hugged me a thanked me and I told him I hoped he had a great Christmas. Then we didn't hear from him again. Not even a "Merry Christmas" or "What did you get for Christmas" to D17.
Then I go back to training, which is out of town and H comes to stay with D17. I usually leave him the garage remote and I forgot that morning so I dropped it in this car at his job. Yes, I still have the spare key to his car, LOL! Anyway, that evening he texts me "Thank you for leaving the remote." I said no problem, forgot to leave it at the house, so I just left it in the car instead of driving all the way back home. Then he starts to texts me just little things, that I didn't even need to know. Of course I was nice, but kept it short. I haven't heard from him since.

Journaling:

I just want to say that this past year has been an amazing ride through MLC land and my own transformation. Every time I think that H is not really MLC I just look at how he treats D17. Then I realize it has to be MLC! I have made some very incredible friends who support me no matter what! I have a great relationship with D17, one I never though I would have until she was much older. It amazes me some days what a great and incredible young woman she has become. As much as I tried to keep her from growing up too fast, this year she has grown up very fast, and I am so proud of her.

Most of all, my journey has brought me to an incredible relationship with God. One I had missed and longed for, one that I prayed for even before BD. God has brought me so many blessings over the past year and I eagerly await what He has in store for me in 2012.

My new job is going great and training will be over mid Feb. I really like the people I work with and feel this is where I belong at this time.

I wish you all the best for 2012. I like even years, for some reason, they are good too me, even if BD was in 2010. But I was born in an even year and look forward to this year. I hope you are all looking forward to the new year and realized you have so much potential for happiness in this year. It is your job to choose happiness as much as possible. God will take care of the rest.