We spent Christmas Eve through Monday morning together as a family. We took his mother to lunch on Christmas Day because it was her birthday and we even visited his brother and gf the same day. We had a great time together. We were laughing and carrying on like the old days. I can tell that he enjoyed himself. So why now is he just treating me like I'm nothing to him.
I come back to fear, I believe he is afraid to need you more than you need him. When he starts feeling too good he's going to pull back and apply distance or do.something jerky to push you away.
He's afraid of being hurt. Have you discussed MC with him when things are good?
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
MC, yes I have I cannot get an answer from him. Actually, he said it is a waste of time, because when were together, we were seeing one and she did not help.
He came over this afternoon and we took our D to the mall. And at times, he was a jerk to me, but I let it roll off my back.
He dropped us back off at my place. I asked him if he had plans for tonight and he said not really, but did not want to spend the new year evening with me. When he left he gave me a big hug and a nice kiss and said happy new years and be safe.
I just don't understand why he wont give us another chance. I love him so much, it's driving me crazy.
I would go "shop" for an MC on your own. I've been on a quest for "MC for 1" for quite a while and finally found someone who I think can help. Working with the wrong person can do more harm than good and H will be turned off. You need to find someone who "gets" H first, and then invite him to come with you.
Don't be afraid to interview the MC's. I would typically send them an e-mail overview before paying anything and ask for their high level take on the situation and what they felt they could do for me (us).
I do think that a good MC would be valuable at this point. H seems to be putting a toe in the water on occasion, so it's a good sign that at least part of him wants to re-engage, as you've picked up on.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Last night he did mention something. He said when he went to kiss me good night the other night, I turned my head so he kissed me on the cheek. Then I sent him a pic via text message. He said that I was sending him mixed signals.
I told him that I thought he wanted my cheek instead of my lips and he said no. That I was silly.
wow, I have only read this thread of yours and not the earlier ones but... you are NOT DBing.. Have you read the books yet? You MUST read them or this approach won't work b/c it's not the approach...
Did you say this stuff has been going on for over 3 years? That's the whole marriage.
he says YOU are sending mixed signals but HE has an OW, wants sex one night and the next night he tells you he hates you...???
um, that's called him "projecting" onto you, his confusion and flaws...and others call it simple hypocrisy. Take your pick. Yes he is confused, and so are you.
But get clarity by expecting decent treatment and NOT accepting indecency.
why do you let this happen? You are being mistreated and you know it
so why is that?
You must detach...Have you given real thought to what that means? here's a post that touches on DETACHMENT
"This was originally posted by Peanut. ============ II. Detachment Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship. Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals. We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness. If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’ It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them." _____________
what are your GAL activities?
and your 180s? Do you have ANY?
you are far too available to him and your self worth hinges totally on what he says or does that day, vis a vis YOU...
You MUST GAL and trust me, you will feel better.
That will also help you feel happier and become more attractive and attractING...
meet some new people and get that self esteem UP.
Your h DOES HAVE HIS CAKE AND EATS IT TOO...
if there were no OW or if there were no mean signals about 'hating' you,
or if it were not SO obvious that he's using you as a babysitter and wants his daddyfix but "not too much daddy time b'c it's STRESSFUL on HIM" THEN I'd understand the ml issue.
It's very personal and no one can tell you what to do except ask yourself how YOU FEEL AFTERWARDS and from the sounds of it, it's manipulative on your end and not loving and then when the manipulation fails b/c he goes back to her or still leaves you
you feel bad....so NO I would not say it's working well for you.
His child rearing comments make him sound like a teenager who accidentally got a girl knocked up too early. But your H in his 40s right?
Good grief, who has enabled this "man" to behave this selfishly for so long?
Look Hopeful....
my advice is this: IF, and I mean IF IF IF
there is a chance at getting this type of manchild back to you
in some form of acceptable way
(like NO OW and being decent to you AND a real father) then it'd by you detaching, GAL and putting some dang mystery into your life.
Learn to live and live WELL without him in your life. Let that show...he'll notice.
Stop being so available and hoping he throws you a bread crumb.
Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I really think that text was way too much. You have the ability to save this relationship, you will always be parents together but if you want a chance as a couple you must not initiate this kind of dialogue.
Dont sweat it , there is always the new year. Hang in there.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
you already KNOW this was pursuit and with what purpose?
What could HE have realistically said to this??
Originally Posted By: Hopeful321
Okay, I did send H a text after he left:
Me.: I have a question. are u afraid to be with me w/o our D?
H: No. don't know what u mean. I also don't know what you mean...unless it's that you fear he only wants you as a babysitter...
Me: I know u are confused about what u want but if u and I don't spend any us time together (w/o D) how will u know what u really want? Just asking.
H: Im not ready for that yet
Were you ever alone as a couple? as in BEFORE the child came along??
Me: okay. thats fine. I understand. Maybe 2012 will be better 4 us.
Okay, I know what everyone on here will say, it's pursuing. Hit me with the 2x4s.
I hope and pray that everyone has a Happy and Safe New Year.
there is NO YOU, or YOU TWO, without D....WHY PRETEND THERE IS?
he's a husband AND A FATHER but evidently he doesn't want that full time.
HE just wants a daddy fix, now and then....
and since most healthy normal woman want full time partners, he knows that's a deal breaker...
so he strings you along, has an affair but sees the D AND YOU of course b/c God help him if he has her on his own...way too much "work"...
and that's that. This is Not so confusing when you ONLY look at his ACTIONS...
sorry but that's how I see it
Detach and GAL as best you can and MAYBE you can turn this around.
But what you are doing is NOT working and it's prolonging your misery and confusing the heck out of you
and in the end I think you are hurting your cause...
you can do better and you surely deserve better. When you begin to actually believe that
it'll come.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I guess I fell off the wagon. I know I should not always be available for him, but I can't help. But, I know I don't have a choice.
My GAL activities for the New Year was going to the movies and then I met up with some friends to bring in the new year. He knew I was going out to celebrate and he wanted to know my plans. I told him just meet some friends. He text several times, I replied back with simple answers.
I need to get back with detaching.
Thanks 25 for your comments. You gave me alot to think about.
1.Have you read the book? If not, make that one of your NY goals. 2.GAL can't just be one night. Make some goals for things to do every week. 3.How about not texting him back unless it's and emergency related to your D. There's a 180. Start small one thing at a time.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
