How do you let go? Calling it quits.

[hope2011]

H seems to want to really try. I am however terrified of the roller coaster. 3 days ago he said it was over, said a lot of horrible stuff, told me leave. I made plans to move, asked my family and friends to help me move ASAP, started packing, was even excited about a new life without drama. Now hes sorry, doesnt want to lose me, will go to counseling, will even have kids (he had changed his mind after we got married. Of course if we have kids it wont be until this M is a lot better) and several other promises to listen more, be more supportive, etc. What does he want me to change? Nothing he says. i told him i have tried and tried and stood by him through so much and am tired of being a pushover, its time he gave 50% and handled his boys better and stopped the XW drama. normally I just shut up and deal with whatever to keep the peace and avoid a fight. This time I not only called his bluff, but started to move on. I guess the 180 worked but its backfired in that now I am questioning what to do. I want to believe him but i have been hurt. I want to move on and be happy. But i love him. Right now i am still DBing and still here. Dreading telling my family and friends I am staying, as they are all very angry about the situation. I guess i am not as alone as i thought i was.

This is what i wanted so why am i not happy? And what do i do now? I am scheduling the therapist. should i put my moving plans on hold or cancel them? I am completely humilated about this, making all these plans, having to tell co-workers i am moving, my family upset, etc because i was sure it was done with H screaming i needed to get out, etc. Now i am staying.

Totally embarrassed and terrified but i am trying. Again.

H asked me out for new years eve. He let me pick the restaurant and movie. A first. I guess i need to fix myself up and show him what he will lose if we dont make this work.

[Hopeful321]

I envy your sitch right now. But follow your heart. Maybe you do need time apart to make him really realize what he is missing. But if you do leave, you need to detach from him.

I was doing great detaching from my H, but since we spent the holidays together, it's been really hard on me.

[hope2011]

Sorry I've been MIA. I've had the flu for the past week.

NYE H took me out to dinner and a movie. It was nice. He was very gentlemanly, opening doors, pulling out chairs, etc. He kissed me at midnight, we ML. He's been on his best behavior all week and taken care of me while I've been sick. He's said ILY every day (something he rarely did before).

Being sick I've had a lot of time to think. Hasn't helped the confusion much. My heart says "there's a chance here to make it work". My head says "he is who he is" and that he won't change. Yep, I'm knee deep in WAW mode but I'm trying to slow down on the decision making.

I overhead him on the phone with his brother a few days ago, telling him what an idiot he's been, that me packing up is his fault, that he has a temper he needs to get under control. H never tells me stuff like that, never owns up to his mistakes or apologizes. It was nice to hear him take responsibility. He also told BIL that he wants to stay married, doesn't want to lose me. H has told me that.

This yo-yo has to stop but I'm still on the fence. I have a back up plan of moving out of state if I need to and now working on a local plan because moving my job out of state would mean starting over from scratch and 16 years at this job is too long to throw away. I found a house the business can rent and be run out of (it's lease is up in February anyway). It has enough room + some and if necessary I can rent a room or 2 for myself out of it. And it's someplace I can run to if need be. It will allow me stay here and keep the business going. It's all I have so I have to hold on to it. I can even go ahead and rent the room/rooms now and pull that rent out of my salary without H knowing so I can set it up now if I have to. I have quite a few people who are willing to help me move at a moment's notice. I feel blessed even during all this. I have a support system. Who knew? I sure didn't. Very blessed.

So I feel safer having plans, a place to go, family and friends by my side. That is so much more than I had a month ago. I feel like now I can make clearer decisions without the threat of being broke and homeless held over my head.

H has agreed to counseling. I need to find a local one that's solution based. Our last therapy try (3 years ago) completely blew up in my face as the therapist was HORRIBLE and enabled H and though he said he was solution-based, he was all about placing blame and finding no solutions and nothing to help communication. So I'm happy that H has agreed to counseling, yet scared of a repeat of last time. H has done a lot of stuff wrong, A LOT. I am not perfect but I have been loyal and supportive. How do we go into therapy where it's not a beat-up H session? Because H will run if it is. Definitely looking for a male therapist. Does Michele have a list of SBT therapists by state?

In other news, the boys are still at their mom's house. Their mom has bought one of them a new car - the same kid that talked back at Christmas, had the cops at my parents house. She bought him a Porsche. Yes, you read that right. An old one, but still. The worse they behave, the bigger rewards for them it seems. Still no consequences at all for their behavior or grades. None. I am so grateful for a break from them. H is texting them a lot. 1 is responding. The other (worst) one isn't at all. H is almost begging him to respond, sending him ILY texts. It makes me very angry that this all goes on with the boys as the parenting here is just horrible. But I am trying not say anything about it and just be grateful for the break. When they return, if they return (XW going for custody).... will the kids still call all the shots? H has agreed to family counseling as well (preferably with the same counselor for marriage counseling) - if the boys will agree to go. I doubt they will agree to it but I am proud of H for agreeing.

Guard up but taking baby steps....

[hope2011]

Well, H blew his temper this morning. I probably pushed him to it. I dropped my laptop a few weeks ago and the screen has steadily gotten worse to the point that the cracks in the plasma make it impossible to work on because I can't see the lower half of the screen. The boys have a computer that they never use (because their mom bought them each a laptop). Even so, H just had to replace the regular monitor with a flat screen a few months ago. Because they compete for the boys love with money and things... drives me nuts but that's another story. Yesterday I asked about the old monitor, wanting to hook it up to my laptop so I could work. No response. This morning I get ready to leave for the office and go to look for the old monitor and can't find it. I ask H about it. No response. I look again. I ask again. He says it might be in the back of a crawl space, behind a bunch of bunches and the cat's room (a removable box in the crawl space with a doggie door in the attic door so the cat's litter box is in there). Might be - as if he wasn't just in there a week ago putting up Christmas decorations. He knew it was there but also knew I can't get in there by myself and would need help. I ask for help.

Rather than say "it's in the crawlspace, honey, I'll help you in a few minutes", I got his temper. "Damnit, I'm working (he was looking at mail on his desk)!!! Why can't you find anything by yourself? (I couldn't possibly see it in the crawlspace!). Damnit (followed by more cursing)!!" and he huffed up the stairs, stomping along the way to the attic space, slamming doors.

Rather than engage him more, knowing he'd just scream at me more, I left and went to the office. I didn't slam anything, didn't respond back, just left. Without the monitor. But very mad. Seriously, he can't spare 5 minutes for his wife, knowing I can't see my screen and this is my job? And can't do it maturely, lovingly? He interrupts my work ALL THE TIME and I stop what I'm doing to see what he needs. I have never once yelled at him for interrupting my job. I am very supportive of him. If I knew he couldn't see his monitor to work, I would've stopped whatever I was doing yesterday to help him.

So I did good biting my tongue I guess and not staying and yelling back or crying. But maybe I shouldn't have asked him for help.

This is his first tantrum since we made up so I don't know if that's good or bad.

Do people with short tempers and selfishness EVER change??? Does therapy ever work for them??? And how do we go into therapy and talk about anything if I feel like I have to tiptoe so I don't set him off???????

Frustrated. 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Trying to not slide backwards again.

[MrBond]

"I probably pushed him to it. "

Don't assume blame for this. It's his choice to choose to be angry and an @$$ about it. Don't be afraid of asking him for the things you can't do. There's nothing wrong with that.

Try this next time. If he gets angry and throws a hissy fit like that again, after he gets what you needed, tell him something like "thanks for getting it for me, I would've had a hard time getting it myself." Then give him a hug and leave.

See what happens.

[hope2011]

Thank you, MrBond, that's great advice. I will definitely try that.

I haven't talked to him since I left this morning. Dreading going home today. Not only was he cranky this morning but he's also getting sick so he's even more cranky. It sure is hard to DB when someone is mean.

[MrBond]

Kill 'em with kindness. How about on the way home you pick up some meds and soup. Tell him that you are sorry that he feels sick and that he deserves some rest. Then give him the soup and leave.

[hope2011]

I didnt see this until I got home. He is in a bit better mood. He had dinner ready when I got home.

He seems oddly interested in locating all insurace cards, health and car. Stressing over it, making me look today for it all. That is raising a lot of red flags. What has happened that he HAS to have them right now? Raising flags because he threatened to take away my health insurance if I dont give him the truck if we divorce. i am feeling very uneasy about this.

[MrBond]

Then ask him about it. Don't be afraid.

[Rick1963]

If you do get. D he will not be able to keep you on his health care. Sorry but Ai think that is across state lines. Have you consulted an L? I don't know why he wants you to put the truck in his name but again in my state it is 50/50.

He is being nothing but passive/aggressive. Hang in there