Too little, Too late.

[purgatory]

Journal... gotta get this sh!t out of my head!

I have hit a low point again. I feel like I did during the first weeks after the bomb.... why is this sneaking back up on me?? My mind is all over the place with thoughts of H, my boys, my un-known future, my impending diagnosis.... Why can't someone just give me one thing at a time?! I have been praying for peace, understanding and acceptance.... not working.

My H didn't call me yesterday and I had to text to ask if I could talk to the boys before bedtime- he said they were almost asleep already, but I called anyways and was able to talk to S5. It really hurt my feelings that my H couldn't think ahead enough to call me before they were half-asleep- makes me wonder if he was ever going to call me at all. We talked for a few minutes. I could tell that he was irritated about something but he wouldn't share (of course I immediately start thinking it was something that I did, but I didn't ask.) I did tell him that a group text he sent out early in the day hurt my feelings *it had to do with his new job assignment and I felt like that was news that should be shared/talked about with me first since it affects me and the kids, not the rest of friends and family* He said that I was acting jealous and he didn't like it. I tried to explain that I didn't appreciate being considered an equal to all our other friends. He said 'it's not the big news, when that comes, I will call you and talk to you first. This was just an update I wanted to share with my friends (he referred to me as a friend... stab me in the heart). If you want to feel worse, you were like the 5th person to find out because my dad and brother were her when I got the phone call." How could he be so cold and try to make me feel worse?!!

I'm really sad that my boys are going to have a new family dynamic. My S5 hasn't asked why daddy sleeps in another room or whey we don't hug/kiss anymore... not sure if he's just being 5 and kinda clueless or if it doesn't bother him. I think he does notice that we don't fight anymore, and maybe he likes that aspect. I am heartbroken for my S18mth.... he's too young to remember us 'together' and this is all he will ever know for his mom and dad- that we aren't married. I can't help but worry that one day he will come to me and think that *he* had something to with our breakup because it happened so soon after his birth. I can imagine something like this: "mommy, how come y'all stayed married after [older brother] was born, but when I was born, y'll broke up? Was I a bad kid?' I do realize that this kind of negative thought and projecting fears is not healthy.... but it happens.

I've hit a new low point with my health. Since I have another month of testing (and possibly more) before I get a diagnosis.... I have had lots of time to speculate and let my mind wonder to all outcomes, good and bad. I've been in a desperate mind lately- I have actually thought that I want them to give me a bleak outcome because maybe it would trigger a feeling of loss in my H and he would come to realize that I he really does love me and doesn't want to loose me, then he wouldn't leave. I mean, if the doctor's say that I have 10 years to live (which is the average expected lifespan of the disease they think I have) then what's the point of a D? In 10 years I would be dead and he could have all the fun he wants to. (I know it's morbid to think like that, but that's where my brain has been going)

I got to facetime with my boys this morning, it was nice to see their faces Of course I made sure that I had on a little makeup and my hair looked nice because my H would be seeing me as well.... he didn't talk to me too much, but said that he would call me later. I noticed that he had grown his 'vacation beard' and I mentioned it- he said he's going to shave it today... now here's the problem I have with that: There is an old friend (girl, they never dated) from high school who lives near his dad. My H ran into her while at a bar with his brother about a month ago (ironically the weekend before he dropped a mini-bomb). She told him how she was having problems with her H and he related our story to her as well. They started emailing, and I told him that I didn't like the things she was saying to him because she was flirting and pursuing- as a woman- we KNOW what a woman is saying in between the lines of 'so glad you were thinking of me today to send me an email back. I can't wait until you visit your dad again so we can get together, I really enjoyed our talk"... tell me that's not a girl who wants more than to 'talk'?!?! My H is clueless to this kind of stuff, but he said he wouldn't talk to her anymore since it made me uncomfortable.... fast forward to today: he says he's going to shave his beard and I instantly think it's because he's going to meet her again. It makes me want to scream!!! But I didn't bring up her name or anything. The only bit of peace that I have about this is that his brother is there with him and his brother respects me too much to let my H do something stupid, I hope.

Thank you for visiting the ramblings of a crazy, sad, heartbroken LBS.

[Jenna333]

I'm having a hard time, too. You're not alone. It's awful to imagine our S's spending time with other women All we can do is work on ourselves. We're not powerless. The more I work on myself, the less I dwell on my failed R. A couple of weeks ago all I could do was lie around and sob and stare at pictures on my ex. It only hurt me. We are deserving of love. Love yourself.

[labug]

(((Pur))) Breathe. That's all you can do right now. Calm yourself and take care of yourself. Your post sounds like you're doing a lot of mind-reading and projecting. Realize that and see it for what it is.

I know you might feel like you're in limboland right now but you have control of how how you respond or react. You are reacting out of emotion (fear) and that's understandable with what you have in front of you. I can't remember, are you in IC? If not, can you get some counseling? My T has talked me off the ledge several times and helped get he focus back on me and what my next step was.

Your H will do what he will do. You need a plan for what you will do independent of his actions. Yes, you've heard it before, you can only control you. He's told you what his plan is, so base your plan on the best information you have. Nothing will be solved today and nothing needs to be solved today. Just do what is right for you, get out of the house, go for coffee, go to a movie, exercise, take a walk, anything to get you out of your head for awhile. I found that meditation really helped with those moments of sheer terror anxiety.

Change in happens slowly and it doesn't happen easily or without pain. It won't happen at all without taking the bull by the horns and taking charge of ourselves.

Put the focus and Pur and what is best for her.

[purgatory]

H is at his dad's (some of you may remember his interesting morals on M and D)...so his communication with me has been minimal. The fact that he changes so drastically when he's around his dad, makes me wonder what's going on over there... but I know that I can't change it- so I shouldn't waste my time worrying.

Is anyone else really depressed/irritated about the fact that you won't get a New Year's kiss? My H is going out with his brother and I'm so afraid that he's going to get drunk and start passing out kisses like they are tissues! It makes me sick to my stomach.

I'm going to admit to a dorky vice.... I love musicals! I was in 6 of them growing up and was originally a musical theater major in college. I watch them to make me feel better and I usually end up singing and dancing along.... alone in my room (that's the pathetic part!)
My current pick-me-up has been Mama Mia (I saw it twice on broadway and like the movie too)... there's 2 songs that have brought me to tears, and they never have before (It's kinda cool to see how age/maturity and experience can make you approach a familiar scenario in different ways.) Anyways.... the songs are about longing for a lost love- sound familiar?! They really speak to me right now, so bear with me while I share some snipits with you (feel free to put in your copy of the movie and sing along, lol)
S.O.S:
Where are those happy days/they seem so hard to find./ I try to reach for you/but you have closed your mind./ Whatever happened to our love/ I wish I understood./ It used to be so nice/ It used to be so good.
So when you're near me darling can't you hear me: SOS./The love you gave me, nothing else can save me: SOS./When you're gone, how can I even try to go on?/When you're gone, though I try, how can I carry on?
You seem so far away/though you are standing near./ You made me feel alive/but something died I fear./ I really tried to make it up/I wish I understood/ What happened to our love, it used to be so good.

The winner Takes it All:
I don't to talk about the things we've gone through/ Though it's hurting me/ Now it's history./ I've played all my cards/and that's what you've done too/ nothing more to say/ No more ace to play.
The winner takes it all/ the looser standing small/ Beside the victory/ that's her destiny./
I was in your arms/ thinking I belonged there./ I figured it made sense/ building me a fence./ Building me a home/ thinking I'd be strong there./ But I was just a fool/ playing by the rules./ The Gods may throw the dice/ their minds as cold as ice./ And someone why down here/looses someone dear.
The winner takes it all/ the looser has to fall./ It's simple and it's plain/why should I complain?
But tell me does she kiss/ like I used to kiss you?/ Does it feel the same/ when she calls your name?/Somewhere deep inside/ you must know I miss you./ But what can I say/ rules must be obeyed./ The judges will decide/ the likes of me abide./Spectators of the show/ always staying low./ The game is on again/ a lover or a friend?/ A big one or a small/ the winner takes it all.
I apologize/if it makes you feel sad/ and I understand/you've come to shake my hand./ I apologize/ if it makes you feel bad/ seeing me so tense/ no self-confidence/ but you see: the winner takes it all.

[sunshine76]

Hey ((( Purg ))), I've been thinking and praying for you.

It seems like when our spouses go out of town (especially to visit friends and family) they seem to become even more callous towards us. I'm not sure what it is, but it sure stinks.

I can imagine how much it hurt your feelings to be lumped into the "friends" category by your husband. On a positive note, he didn't think it was a big deal because those were not his official orders. He let you know that he would speak to you first when he found out for sure what was going on.

Have you been able to speak to your H much about your health and how you are emotionally feeling? Have you asked him how he is feeling about it? I am only asking this because my W was diagnosed with cancer about 7 years ago and I know that it was a major blow to both of us and neither one of us knew how to deal with it. To this very day my W does not think that I was supportive enough during this time. I was supporting her in my own way, but I guess it wasn't what SHE needed. I am only bringing this up because I am sure that your H is scared sh1tless about your health as well and he may be scared to speak with you about it because then it will be real. You will probably need to figure out how to deal with feelings of resentment that you may develop towards your H if you do not feel like he has been there for you through all of this.

Try to hang in there, we are all praying for a positive outcome on your test results.

[purgatory]

On an interesting note!!! My Best friend called me to let me know that H had a revelation (unfortunately, not about me)... but it went something like this:

H: so, you remember that girl who lives near dad? You and (purg) said she was pursuing and wanted more than a friendship? Well, I'm sorry I didn't believe you then, because I do now. She's made a few comments on my FB page about my recent pictures and I'm really uncomfortable. What should I do?

my friend: Well, Im glad you finally came around. I think you should tell her directly that you don't want anything to do with her, since ignoring her hasn't worked this whole time.

H: I guess. I was trying to be nice and hope she would get the hint, but I can see that she not that type.

SO here's what I noticed about all that: He must have meant it when he said that he didn't want to date now (he said that a month ago and 4 days ago as well) because he would have had the perfect chance to take advantage of her advances... and he doesn't want to AND I think it's funny that he didn't call me to discuss this realization- probably because he doesn't want to give me the satisfaction of knowing that I was right about her and her true intentions. Maybe he wants me to be a little jealous ('cause he knows I"ll see the FB comments) and is testing me to see if I'll confront him about them (which I normally would) BUT I am going to show him a 180 and NOT CONFRONT HIM.... doesn't matter that my feelings are already put to ease because my best friend told me the whole story.

I'm I getting too excited about this? Anybody see this as a good thing? OR did he set me up and is covering his tracks because he really did want to do something with her and he knows that my bf will tell me everything?? Sh!t- that thought just hit me.

[Jenna333]

I'm worrying about my ex kissing someone else tonight as well I just hope I'll fall asleep before midnight.

[Rick1963]

Regarding the family visits and their behavior afterwards. I can only assume that they are telling their side of their story and getting support for their actions. When I told my brother he told me how he disliked my W. Never heard that before. He also told me of stuff she did while we visited. He said he saw her feeding my D crackers from her purse instead allowing her to eat what they cooked. W denied this but I believe my broW is paranoid about food and many other stuff. Tha is what I think have a great new years

[nhmom]

Hi Purg!

I think it's good news that he doesn't want to date or have anything to do with another W at this point. He's going through a lot of emotional stuff and is vulnerable, but it's good that he's not acting on chances that seem to be falling on his lap.

It's funny how our minds start going crazy the more we think.

[sunshine76]

Hey Purg, I second nhmom! It's good news!!! Take a deep breath and go sing some Mama Mia!! BTW I love broadway plays as well