Hi David

I've just read through your thread. I'm sorry you find yourself going through this difficult situation. You've been given some good advice on your thread, although it's very subtle.

I'm going to be very blunt, because these issues are rarely discussed, but they are very important in marriages.

You've mentioned that you



[/list] were both sexually inexperienced when you were married
dated for a long time before becoming intimate
rarely enjoyed foreplay with each other
she "did a lot of work" to get over the sexual issues (although if you guys never engaged in foreplay with each other, I'm wondering what exactly she was able to do)
she had a lesbian affair; and then
she had a male lover

Your wife's sexuality has been terribly neglected and her background has given her mixed messages about the value of it. The authentic woman who is your wife, the spirit of the woman, knows that there is a big part of life she's missing out on here and she's going to keep looking until it is fulfilled. Because DAvid, sex, good sex, sex beyond Schnarch's level 2, is the only glue that can keep a couple in love and happy for their entire adult lives.

David - this is not your wife's problem. This is your problem. You need to improve your sexual skills and confidence.

If you are reading No more Mr Nice guy you'll be starting to understand how women need men who are strong and who are prepared to lead. That is particularly true in bed. In my experience, a woman becomes an open and willing sexual partner, when her husband/lover lovingly but firmly encourages her to accept the gift of pleasure that he can give her. And then he must get serious about the giving of pleasure part. He needs to show her how desirable she is, how horney she makes him, how much he wants to give her pleasure. He has to lead an activity in their marriage which takes time and communication and laughter and a commitment to love and pleasure.

I recognise this issue because I've lived it. I married a man 16 years older than me when I was 24. I wasn't very experienced and he'd been married since before the full educative effects of the 70s sexual revolution had a chance to permeate his cohort ... so we had regular sex - at least once or twice a week after the first 5 years or so right up until we separated ... and we both always orgasmed ... but I can honestly say that in the entire 12 years we were together we never had a sex session that went longer than 5 minutes. It was quick, it was cursory, it was always in the morning ... and it was an add-on to our relationship - certainly not the glue that kept us a unique and committed couple.

That wasn't the reason I left, but I now understand I fell out of love with him because we had spent our entire relationship at that Schnarch Level 2. It was boring and I might as well have been bopping the milk-man.

Since I've been divorced, I've had relationships with men who know what they are doing in bed. Oh la la!!! grin Those experiences have taught me about my sexuality and my femininity. They have empowered me to be a sincere and genuine intimate partner ... they've helped me to understand the power of two compatible people, living their lives as an economic and social team, who also have THAT magic ... goodness me ... no wonder some married couples look so happy. They are living the dream!!!!

David get yourself some liturature on becoming a better lover. Learn the skills to pleasure your wife and then work on your confidence to be able to do it in a sensual and loving way (I know at first it's going to seem awkward). Make her pleasure and showing her how much you love her your priority .....

She might be happy to put-up-with-it for the time being, but her sexual maturity is a time-bomb that's not going to go away unless it's satisfied.

Blessings. V

V

Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.