Curve balls? Heck, I don't even play softball!!!

[Valeska19]

IS
Yes.. I am a very emotional person.  Emotions  run very close to the surface.  So close that my w actually made fun of me.. Saying that I was a "sappy pants" but I digress.

Recognizing is a huge part of moving forward but it is only half of the equation.. You must take the steps to move forward.

Although your wife is doing unkind things, she is very open about her feelings and what she felt was lacking in the r.

I know it hurts.. But this is a good thing because it gives you a place to start.

If your w felt emotionally disconnected from you for 13 yrs.. Those  6 months of changes ain't nothing in her eyes.

Sorry for the 2x4..but it's true.

This is where time and alot of time is needed.....

...... This is why the change has to be for you.

I wonder if you are questioning If you guys were "right" for each other all along is because you are tired.  Tired of being hurt, tired of being disrespected,  tired of trying.

Trust me... I understand the questioning. I go through it alot.

 I had too many of my family members and my w's and my friends tell me that my w didn't treat me right.

I had too much good come from the separation.

I felt a huge  burden lift off my shoulders.  I felt the negative cloud go away..

.... I felt happier and more like the old Val.

So the questioning makes sense... Plus I had the whole lot of "I'm tired and don't want to fight for my marriage anymore" emotions too.

But other than that last one, I'm not seeing a whole lot of other reasons as to why you are questioning.  Maybe it's because you are not Sharing... Idk.

I've  been thinking about your questions... Seeing if I could put my thoughts into Answers that made sense.

I think the best I can do is just tell you my experiences.

You asked about how you can start feeling those deep emotions?  

Well... You already do... So what you really need to know is what are they and what triggers them? Once you learn that... The journey to change begins.

Yes .. I am emotional but that means that I feel a very wide range of emotions. I run the gambit often.

So I talk... Alot.  I spend alot of time speaking with my two best friends, my mom, my sister, my pastor, and God....

...... Talking things out works for me.  I ask myself the hard questions and then I wait for the peaceful answers.

When did I finally realize I was worth it?  

Honestly only in the past 6 wks.. When I started noticing how differently my  interactions with wife were.

I know the process to finding self worth has been exactly that.. A process.  There was no one thing that made the lightbulb turn on.

Alot of it was looking at my feelings. 

I remember when I started dressing feminine again.  Buying new clothes, putting on new makeup.  New jewelry.. Etc.

I would look at myself and smile and then ask... Why did I stop?

And the answers varied but centered around my wife.  She made me feel ugly.. She said very mean things to me because SHE was overweight and she felt ugly.

I thought/think she is beautiful but I think in alot of ways, she didn't love herself......

...... So how could she possibly love me?

And this was just one example.  I also discovered that I wasn't socially awkward, was brave to try new things, was a good friend, and a very selfless person... And many people respected me and wanted to be part of my life...

..... How could I not start seeing worth in that?

But realizing that majority of my negative thinking came from my wife was very hard.

I cried alot... I cried very hard and for a very long time.

But I also got slightly angry too and this was one of the few times.. I let my anger push. Me forward.  I wanted to prove w wrong, I didn't want her to have any say about my worth...

..... I wanted to break free so every time I started slipping into the "why doesn't wife love me" pity party... I fought like he!! to remind myself of the above.  When I wasn't strong enough... God sent someone in my life to remind me.

Now obviously my w wasn't  100% the problem.  I was too..  I hate to fail.. I have a hard time showing myself grace and get frustrated often....

...... Especially when it comes to my negativity..

When I'm not perfect.. I don't feel worthy.. Which is ridiculous cause who is perfect?

I guess to wrap up this novella... All I can say is to look at your emotions..see what stems the negatives and do 180s

Eventually things will change. You will wake up one morning and suddenly realize " I am worth it!"

But that Ah ha moment doesn't come without work and doesn't have to be a journey made alone.

I can say with complete certainty that I did not gain self worth on my own.  For a long time, god brought reminders in my life.. Almost daily... Because I needed it.  

And I'll end on this.. I found alot of self worth in loving others.  The more I respected others, the more i respected myself. The more I showed appreciation, the more I appreciated my own efforts.  The more I loved, the more I feel loved.

I never did any of those things to get anything back... But I did.  I still do.

Food for thought on the saying "the more you give, the more you receive".

p. s.  super sorry for the long post! 

(((( ))))