Newbie: Is this MLC and how do I GAL?

[sandi2]

Ok, I'm a little behind so I'm going to respond as I go.

So while I was on the ship, H texted me regularly. He would ask about my day and wish me a good night.

I just bet he did! He needs to be concerned that he left you wide open for all those single guys out there. Sounds as if he wanted to keep you busy, or distracted. Now is that fair?

Despite my best efforts to remain cool, inside I melted. He wanted to ML, but I did not allow it to get too far. He seemed saddened or hurt by this (his expression changed, but i don't know what to make of it. I don't think he expected me to say no to ML). I truly wanted to ML with my husband. I took every ounce of my willpower not to.

GOOD FOR YOU!!

I bet his expression was priceless! But you know what he was doing, right? He was reclaiming his property. (Guess that sounds better than "marking his territory".) This was all to prove to his male ego that he could still control you by having sex with you. I guarantee you that if you had given in to him, he would have been through and be missing in action again. So what if it stung him a bit? He needs to feel that sting, for his own good.

Now i wonder if this was a mistake. Rationally I think that if he really wanted to win me back, getting rejected would not stop him from pursuing me.

Him not having you easy is what will bring him back again. You've got to dang hard hard to get!

I second guess everything I say or do.

Have a little faith in yourself. Everyone feels this way in the beginning. Trust what DB teaches.

I understand you are young and handsome and are having fun, but it's time that you stop this and come home."

I never told any of my neighbors anything about this, so I guess she put 2 and 2 together since he hasn't been around for 6 months. I wonder why he would tell me this?

Oh sweetheart, don't you see.....your neighbor didn't tell him that stuff. He's trying to make himself sound good by telling you a whopper. He's trying to drive home a message to you. Did he tell you this after you turned down sex? Well, he wants you to think about what a catch he is and that you could be losing this gem. But truth is....he's was the one feeling like you're the gem he may be losing.
He knows you so well and he knows how & what to say that will hit home with you.

I've let my guard down, so now I feel like he is playing me...going out with his girlfriend while still stringing me along.

I hope that doesn't mean you gave in and had sex with him. If you decide to do so, PLEASE tell him that he MUST use protection. After all, he's sleeping with OW and I doubt his male ego is worth risking a STD. Let him huff & blow if he doesn't like it. I still say that as soon as he's had his way....he'll treat you twice as dirty as he has before.

What I really feel like doing is confronting him and telling him I'm not going to continue to go out with him while he is still going out with his girlfriend. My mind tells me this would be counterproductive and would set back the progress we've made so far.

Why? If you feel like he's making a fool of you, then tell him you won't play his game. You think too much of yourself and of marriage to "date" him while he's going steady with his little wh0re girlfriend! Honestly, did you never have to deal with this type of high school boys? He just wants to get into your pants.

He says he is scared that he'll come back and things won't work out for us. That statement scares me because it makes me feel like he's not truly committed (even though he says he is).

Yep! That's his insurance he's covering himself with. Then once he's back....and done....he'll remind you how he felt this way.

A good thing that came about is that H finally shared some of his feelings with me. He felt that my distancing from him made him feel like I didn't really care about him and made him question whether I truly loved him. He said he wanted to feel from me like I truly love and care about him. He shared with me what he liked and disliked about me. He told me he feels loved when we spend quality time together, show physical affection, and I give him words of affirmation. He admitted that he had taken up drinking excessively on weekends to numb the pain and that he knew this was wrong.

Pass the bucket, I'm going to throw up!

Today, we spent most of the day together and we ML. As the day progressed he seemed to become more withdrawn.

I hope he used protection. SomeDay, just b/c he tells you one breath that it's over with those OW and he's having sex with you in the next breath....doesn't mean he's clean. If you don't take care of you....who is?

After dinner, he left to go back to his apartment and spend the night over there. I know that it's better if we move slowly and I give him the space to gradually come back vs. moving in tomorrow, but I must say that I felt sad and hurt that he wanted to go back to his apartment. However, I did not ask him to stay.

I know love is blind, but honey, you have got to open your eyes. I'm not saying he will never return to the man you M, but I am saying he isn't there right now. Not unless the man you M treated you with total disrespect and would jeopardize your life just so he got his ego satisfied.

This is all new to me and I'm extremely scared. How do I manage this?

Will you really listen to us?

And I told him that he could come back as long as he demonstrated that all contact with the OW is over and I also conveyed that we would need to rebuild our trust. We both agree that we need to go to counseling so we don't repeat the same mistakes.

I'm guessing that I should expect him to be demonstrative one day and withdrawn the next as part of this process, right?

If you will really listen, then tell him to go ahead and lease his apartment for the next 6 mo. During that time, he can prove his faithfulness and how well he's really given up these women. Remember, burden of proof is on him. He has to win your trust, not the other way around. Also, he will consent to have as many tests for STD as need be, to get a clean bill of health (and hand to you to READ). Yes, include MC, but to do this while he's renting the apartment and not after he moves back home. Can't you see that he will agree to anything you suggest if he believes that will get him back quicker. But....listen to me please......if the man is earnest and really wants you back as much as he claims, then he will be willing to pay rent six more months and have tests, and go to MC. And the reason I say six months is b/c it will take at the very least that (the very LEAST) that long for him to grieve over the loss of the A.

If he can't do at least that much, then you better not trust him. And, be careful, b/c he'll be making you think that you are suppose to earn his trust. A WAS who is having an A is really talented at turning things around and getting him out of the hot seat.

I hope you'll heed my words. If you're still not sure, then pay a DB coach, but be sure you tell the coach everything.

((hugs))