wife mlc? help

[25yearsmlc]

This is a long post but I hope some of it is sinking in...and your words are useful for guidance...

journaling

Well made it thru xmas. i was hoping to have a little more clarity of the whole situation, if there was any feeling of progress.

strikes me as either passive AND OR lazy...Selfish or detached? Both?

IOW what did YOU DO OR SAY that would create any progress?

The two days of being around the W just felt like a lot of hot and cold moments. some times she seemed distant, mad, and mean. other times she seemed happy and warm.


What was YOUR response to those times? Were you upbeat or happy or lovable? Maybe she did not know what to make of you.

she initiated alot of "talks" with me that we would finish not really accomplishing anything.

Why didn't they accommplish anything? Did you change how YOU interact with her or

did you have the same old conversation?

Did you tell her that

if you "had the chance to do it over again, there are A LOT of things you'd do differently" ?? Like, for instance, "Not taking her for granted"??


IMO, this woman so clearly wants to feel loved by YOU.. she has given you MANY chances to show it. But if you won't or can't give her the love she needs (and it's not unreasonable requests she has made, fyi)

then she'll go where she can find it. You gave her permission to do just that.

So, if I were her, right now I would not trust your reconciliation gestures much, but you don't make any so...what's to trust?


Maybe She feels cornered now with your "take it or leave it" attitude, so you pushed her off and now she's trying to move on and be happy.




Its like she wants to be good friends to talk about everything including boyfriends and girlfriends. ofcourse i dont have one and she does.


so is that what bothers you? The score? Man, please lose the scorecard or lose the marriage for sure.

i told her im not interested in talking about anyone she is seeing that it is just too weird for me.i know if i was seeing someone she wouldnt want to hear about it and would not like it very much at all.


That's^^ a reasonable boundary. But what are YOU doing or saying about YOUR R with HER?


the one time she thought i was going out of town to see a girl she became pretty mean and irate. when in fact i was just going to see a family member... im trying to focus on the positives. once driving in the car at nite i could see her staring at me deep in thought. i gave her a wink and grabbed her hand and we held hands for about ten minutes.

that's a good thing! Very positive...

i new it wouldnt last.

meaning - what? What happend to "focus on the positives"?


but it was nice the kids in the back music on the radio. it felt like a whole family if only for a little while.time will tell i guess.


"time will tell i guess"...um, TIME AND CONSISTENT CHANGE IN YOU..

stop taking such a passive role in this. I think that's how you got here in the first place.

TBH, I cannot tell by your actions if you love her...

is she warming up to the idea of us? or is she completly set on moving on and wants us to be friends?...

what indicators does she get FROM YOU that show you care at all?

You continue to misplace the focus on HER

but the focus must be on YOUR actions and words now, not hers.

She showed her love for you for years.

She also told you, clearly, in several ways how SHE could feel better if you'd simply do one of a few things...and you said "shove it"...so why stare at HER for the moves? You are still making her do all the work.


I know it's tough for men in that they are supposed to be "sensitive and caring" but also passionate and able to provide for their families and kill or die for them...literally...so A LOT is expected of my h and my son and my brothers....I get that.

(I won't go into how tough it is for women these days b/c I want to avoid the whole comparison thing--too much like keeping score)

My h is an MD and in some ways a problem for doctors in general, is that b/c they work so hard AT THEIR JOBS

they feel the efforts there should "spill over" at home. They don't.

See, in reality, his time at work, his extraordinary efforts there, the

relentlessly long hours of work and preparation

took away from time at home and our marriage.

He has since seen this, and made changes in his work, but you have not.

Historically, I mishandled things too. i got angry and hurt, but should have welcomed him home with warm open arms and not crossed arms...

at least he'd have had a good loving home to return to and I suspect SOME of those extra hours at work would have been lessened.

Bottom line is my approach of "teaching him a lesson" (b/c i feared I'd be "rewarding him" for not being home, by being kind when he got home and that he'd take more advantage of me. Maybe...

but even when I saw my approach NOT working...did I change it? NOPE! Not for years...I was a fool! But luckily, DBing came into my life and though h was deep in his MLC, I had an epiphany about MY role and I changed... I hope you'll have your epiphany too.

Don't let stubborness play ANY role in your marriage unless it's to hang in there.


See, In my mind when h worked extra, or took on more cases, sometimes it was for "the money" -which we did not NEED...sometimes it was for accolades from his superiors or colleagues and that made us feel at home that the adoration of strangers was more important to h than our love for him.

Sometimes it was for good reason that he worked late BUT even then, it was at OUR expense. You don't seem to see that yet. I hope you do someday.

Instead of fitting your family in your extra time - it's the opposite. You need to make the FAMILY THE PRIORITY (and the marriage is the foundation of the family)

and fit in your work (and, dear God, hobbies!) around THEM...not the other way around.



she did make a weird comment in one talk about how she ended this while we still liked each other.that if she would of waited till we didnt then this wouldve become an ugly split like a lot of D. i thought that was strange logic.

Actually IMO, the reason that more divorces END when a wife leaves, as opposed to when a h leaves, is b/c a

woman usually only leaves when she has nothing at all left for her h. Her love tank is totally empty. Therefore there's no real reason for her to "try and make it work".

In her mind she already has done the work for years. And when her needs were not met she looked to the kids b/c all woman want intimacy in their lives. (It's a NEED we have.)


Whereas some men leave to explore other avenues or check something out and THEN realize they care enough for their wives & family or feel incomplete without them,

so that THEY change and choose to become the husbands their wives deserve and the father their kids need...

But in your w's case she left you while she still has love for you so you HAD a good chance at turning things around.

She informed you awhile back that her needs were Not being met. She presented options for you

(you didn't mention ANY options that you presented to her)

So when she presented options to you about how to meet her needs,

b/c she said her needs were not being met, you told her you would not meet them.

Do you see why the posters here are telling you the same thing? We are all basically telling you to

STOP THE DIVORCE TRAIN. Look in the mirror asap. CHANGE YOU.

Can you see how you did not try to turn it around, by changing YOU?

Your wife warned you BEFORE the OM came along

and you said "take it or leave it"

and you even agreed to date other people so she has NOT cheated on you.

(But that was another chance to show her how much you cared, by saying I don't want to lose you! Don't date OMs!"

which you blew by daring her to date others and agreeing to...

Even though she has Not cheated on you, you seem to be playing the victim here and I don't get that.

Your former friend probably thought that your w is a "great catch and I'm going to pursue her b/c H was a fool to let her go."

One of my bff's from high school had that same thing happen.

Her first h ignored her a lot.They fought. He worked. He didn't really "show up" for her and to this day I wonder about him. He was either selfish and stubborn or he simply didn't love her much; I'll never know.

But when she asked for more time together as a couple to work on the marriage or she'd want out, he told her to "Go and see if the grass is greener". To me, that sounds a lot like what you told your w. Sorry...

So, in my high school bff's case, her h's then best friend said he "didn't want to miss the chance of a lifetime w/a great woman" and he went for it.

Swept her off her feet, and that was 28 years and 3 kids ago..they are happy. I don't know what her ex h is doing now.

Her ex h acted as if he had been betrayed. I don't see it that way. I just think he blew it and a smart opportunist who may have loved the wife from afar, stepped in.

And in your case I can see why your friend would take the opportunity to pursue a good catch as your w seems to be. You didn't get counselling or do anything your w asked to keep the marriage going,

so to HIM maybe it seemed you were moving on and leaving the marriage behind. After all, you gave HER the go ahead to date...

ANYHOW...what you need to digest is that the couples who successfully RECONCILE,

IF THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT (b/c I can't tell)

are the ones in which the LBSer bravely looks within to find their flaws and to change THEMSELVES...without any guarantee that they'll get their spouses back

but they will be better people.

IF YOU WANT TO RECONCILE....

THEN HERE IS WHAT MY DB COACH TOLD ME TO DO & much of it applies to your situation...

The goal is to

1) KEEP THE ROAD HOME, PAVED & SMOOTH (so don't make it harder to come back than it already would be)

2) Lose the anger, esp in front of your wife.

3) Applaud loudly for hte 1% positives She does...even when it's hard.

4) Do NOT bad mouth the OM. That just unites them, and is beneath you.

Be the better man, the better choice, w/o obsessing about them...

5) Be a man only a fool would leave.

6) Do NOT challenge her choices, b/c then you force her to defend those choices more, and that cements them in...

7) Demonstrate through your behavior & actions...

how YOU would be different in the marriage If you were to be given another chance.

That's the only way She'll believe marriage to you can be good.

8) Read the Five Love Languages as fast as you can.

I believe you still have a chance to turn this around.

Do you want to? Think hard about that....sometimes it's about "winning" as opposed to loving.

If this is your pride, then move on.

But know there is a fine but important line between self respect and false pride.

Many MANY people confuse them.

Those angry prideful LBSers say "show the WASs the consequences" or "teach the WAS a lesson"

and that is pride talking about taking punitive measures...not coming from a place of love.

It Never helps, it Always backfires. Shaming them fails, as it should.

I really hope for your kids sake and your wife's sake and yours

that you will try to turn this around by

working on YOU and YOURSELF...b/c

if she sees changes in you that she believes in,

you have a real chance of restoring the marriage into a beautiful thing.