What else could I have done?

[antlers]

I'm thinking that I won't text either of them for a few weeks, and then about the 3rd week in January I thought I'd send my youngest daughter a couple of movie tickets to a theater that she likes and a note that says "I'm proud of your school work" and sign it "Love, Dad". About the same time I thought I'd send my oldest daughter a gift card to a restaurant so she and her boyfriend could go out to eat and a note that says "I was always proud of you for 'trying' at the things you did" and sign it "Love, Dad". She danced in front of a crowded talent show crowd, tried out for cheerleading, ran for class president in HS. That's all...nothing else...no requests at all and no expectations. Just me giving to them. I do not want to be seen as expecting their thanks or gratitude.

And then maybe sending each of them a small bouquet of flowers on Valentine's Day with a note saying "Happy Valentine's Day, Love, Dad". No, I've never sent them flowers. I never sent their mom flowers either! (What a dickhead!). And again, nothing else...no requests at all and no expectations. Just me giving to them. I do not want to be seen as expecting their thanks or gratitude.

I now understand that 'why' I was mean to them doesn't matter at all to them. I get it. I realize I had no right or excuse for being mean to them. It did help me to know why, because I was able to do something about it then. I understand that that doesn't matter to them. They were there. They know full well how I was and how things were.

I do get that I can have no discussion with them about exW again. I do not intend to bad mouth their mom again to them. I do get, now, that to them it feels like I'm attacking her and them all over again. My youngest daughter, the one who wrote 'the text', is the one who responded to my last text. I understand, now, that criticizing their mom unites them to her and drives a wedge between them and I. It is clear, and I agree that it's important not to criticize their mom to them.

I can be patient, and learn to respond in ways helpful to my kids and myself.

I've already asked for forgiveness. Shouldn't I be done with that? And I understand that my happiness shouldn't rest on whether or not I get it from them.

I understand that I can only control my own healing...but maybe if they see me heal they can do the same? I've been emotionally dependent on my kids at times since their mom decided to leave...and they didn't like it at all. They despised me for it...and for being so weak. I intend to be happy and upbeat around them from now on. And I intend to not be emotionally needy of them anymore.

Letting the past hurt my present or future makes no practical sense. I intend to be more fun to be around and enjoy my life much more. Creating good moments 'now' rings a bell with me, and I've been putting forth more effort to do just that with him. He had a buddy over for the night and they were still up when I left for work this morning, so I asked my son if he'd like to play a game of air hockey before I left, and we did, at 6:30 this morning after he'd been up all night...he won.

I think the quote is sort of an all emcompassing forgiveness of the past (including everything and everyone in it that you've been hurt by) and includes letting it go. I want to do, and intend to do, what helps me 'now'. I don't intend to do the sad life review anymore. I'm gonna put forth more effort to live well and 'now' because I want to be happy.

I think I'm making progress of letting go totally of my exW. I intend to start doing what's right with my kids. I intend to do less talking and more listening with them...if and when I get the opportunity.

I'll do that...just be a giving parent and having no expectations...and making positive and loving comments, if and when I get the opportunity...and understanding that now is not the time. I understand, now, that working on the relationships can also mean leeaving them alone for periods of time when necessary. And I see that I need to give to them for a long time, if and when I get the opportunity...before I can expect much back, if anything.

I won't do any texting for a few weeks...then I plan on doing what I mentioned above. Do you think that'll be OK? I do not want to be seen by them as expecting their thanks or gratitude.