Too little, Too late.

[purgatory]

Journal... gotta get this sh!t out of my head!

I have hit a low point again. I feel like I did during the first weeks after the bomb.... why is this sneaking back up on me?? My mind is all over the place with thoughts of H, my boys, my un-known future, my impending diagnosis.... Why can't someone just give me one thing at a time?! I have been praying for peace, understanding and acceptance.... not working.

My H didn't call me yesterday and I had to text to ask if I could talk to the boys before bedtime- he said they were almost asleep already, but I called anyways and was able to talk to S5. It really hurt my feelings that my H couldn't think ahead enough to call me before they were half-asleep- makes me wonder if he was ever going to call me at all. We talked for a few minutes. I could tell that he was irritated about something but he wouldn't share (of course I immediately start thinking it was something that I did, but I didn't ask.) I did tell him that a group text he sent out early in the day hurt my feelings *it had to do with his new job assignment and I felt like that was news that should be shared/talked about with me first since it affects me and the kids, not the rest of friends and family* He said that I was acting jealous and he didn't like it. I tried to explain that I didn't appreciate being considered an equal to all our other friends. He said 'it's not the big news, when that comes, I will call you and talk to you first. This was just an update I wanted to share with my friends (he referred to me as a friend... stab me in the heart). If you want to feel worse, you were like the 5th person to find out because my dad and brother were her when I got the phone call." How could he be so cold and try to make me feel worse?!!

I'm really sad that my boys are going to have a new family dynamic. My S5 hasn't asked why daddy sleeps in another room or whey we don't hug/kiss anymore... not sure if he's just being 5 and kinda clueless or if it doesn't bother him. I think he does notice that we don't fight anymore, and maybe he likes that aspect. I am heartbroken for my S18mth.... he's too young to remember us 'together' and this is all he will ever know for his mom and dad- that we aren't married. I can't help but worry that one day he will come to me and think that *he* had something to with our breakup because it happened so soon after his birth. I can imagine something like this: "mommy, how come y'all stayed married after [older brother] was born, but when I was born, y'll broke up? Was I a bad kid?' I do realize that this kind of negative thought and projecting fears is not healthy.... but it happens.

I've hit a new low point with my health. Since I have another month of testing (and possibly more) before I get a diagnosis.... I have had lots of time to speculate and let my mind wonder to all outcomes, good and bad. I've been in a desperate mind lately- I have actually thought that I want them to give me a bleak outcome because maybe it would trigger a feeling of loss in my H and he would come to realize that I he really does love me and doesn't want to loose me, then he wouldn't leave. I mean, if the doctor's say that I have 10 years to live (which is the average expected lifespan of the disease they think I have) then what's the point of a D? In 10 years I would be dead and he could have all the fun he wants to. (I know it's morbid to think like that, but that's where my brain has been going)

I got to facetime with my boys this morning, it was nice to see their faces Of course I made sure that I had on a little makeup and my hair looked nice because my H would be seeing me as well.... he didn't talk to me too much, but said that he would call me later. I noticed that he had grown his 'vacation beard' and I mentioned it- he said he's going to shave it today... now here's the problem I have with that: There is an old friend (girl, they never dated) from high school who lives near his dad. My H ran into her while at a bar with his brother about a month ago (ironically the weekend before he dropped a mini-bomb). She told him how she was having problems with her H and he related our story to her as well. They started emailing, and I told him that I didn't like the things she was saying to him because she was flirting and pursuing- as a woman- we KNOW what a woman is saying in between the lines of 'so glad you were thinking of me today to send me an email back. I can't wait until you visit your dad again so we can get together, I really enjoyed our talk"... tell me that's not a girl who wants more than to 'talk'?!?! My H is clueless to this kind of stuff, but he said he wouldn't talk to her anymore since it made me uncomfortable.... fast forward to today: he says he's going to shave his beard and I instantly think it's because he's going to meet her again. It makes me want to scream!!! But I didn't bring up her name or anything. The only bit of peace that I have about this is that his brother is there with him and his brother respects me too much to let my H do something stupid, I hope.

Thank you for visiting the ramblings of a crazy, sad, heartbroken LBS.