Together since we were 15.

[Jenna333]

And how he is right now...I don't want that person back. I'm working very hard making improvements on myself. He doesn't seem to be doing the same with himself at all. He's still impatient with the kids. He still sees them mostly daily (is that too often for me to be seeing him?), but for a fraction of the time he would normally be with them, except on his day(s) off, like yesterday, when he tales them for a good chunk of the afternoon/evening. He isn't pleasant to be around. He complains constantly. Now that I think about it, that's how he was during our last 6+ months together. He can say that it was because of me (he hasn't), but it was mostly due to school. He did not do well last semester. He'd yell at the kids for distracting him, and he'd get upset at me for not taking them away when he had to study. Honestly, though, he just didn't study like he should have. The small amounts that he did, yes, I should have taken the kids out of the house, I guess. But he'd wear headphones and the kids would walk by and he'd act like they were the reason he couldn't study. He didn't put forth the effort. He admits this now.

I want him back if he works on himself. This took 2. He's the one that keeps repeating that. I'm not doing myself any favors by only focusing on the hood times. We've both figured that if I hadn't been so deeply codependent (pretty much addicted to him), I would have left. I couldn't stand not trusting him. It was daily mental torture.

All of that said, I DO want to save us, but not if he'll be the same person that he has been lately. That wouldn't work. I'm growing. I'm changing into a better, stronger, and even happier person, because this brand new happiness is coming from inside of myself, and not reflecting off of my ex, whom I considered to be my soul mate. If he can spend time hating his job, getting pissed at the kids for being KIDS, feeling like he doesn't feel for me how he should and giving up before even trying counseling...I fear it would be a losing battle.

I've had people close to me tell me that in the end, he'll be crawling back to me and I'll be the one to turn him down. Nobody truly knows this, but it isn't a distant fantasy in my mind anymore. It's more of a bittersweet possibility. Who knows how I'll feel once I start school, meet new people, start my new life!

I miss terribly what we had. We were always such great friends. We had so many inside jokes, movies we'd quote in public that would have people scratching their heads, special songs, special places and meals.

A couple of weeks ago I found a letter he'd written me when I left him 5 years ago and he was desperate to get me back. I swear I could have written it myself at this time. It didn't have an effect on me at the time. Not at all. His begging, pleading, crying...all of it only made me feel sorry for him. I came back when I found out that he'd slept with someone else. It was a slap in the face that he wouldn't always wait around for me. Who knows how long I'd have strung him along without finding that out. Still, I wasn't ready to be with him again. I still had feelings for another person that I refused to deal with, and I hadn't worked on myself throughout our 4 month split.