After years of trying unsuccessfully to improve things, a woman eventually surrenders and convinces herself that change isn't possible. She ends up believing there's absolutely nothing she can do because everything she's tried hasn't worked. That's when she begins to carefully map out the logistics of what she considers to be the inevitable, getting a divorce.
It's difficult to undo the perception that the W tried everything whilst we ignored their needs, and that W is the victim, but essentially that's what DB is all about. But I truly believe it's possible.
The DB techniques are designed to stop feeding that perception without invalidating the WAS's feelings.
To be honest, I've met with limited success. There was a time when W was so negative, we couldn't even talk.
Perception is everything. That was what my boss once said to me during a performance review. But it applies to my marriage, and probably yours too.
My Story - Version I
We had an ideal relationship. Sure, we had our trials and tribulations, but we were always able to support each other and were masters of compromize. We were affectionate and compassionate to each other. We were often complimented and even looked up to by other people.
When W became pregnant, a mutual decision was made that W would stay at home and raise the family while I would be the breadwinner. W expressed her gratitude that I made enough money so that we had this choice.
Our social life was limited by finances and time. We spent time together biking, walking, stuff like that. The best things in life are free, aren't they? W was at home with the kids, and made a few friends at playgroups. We'd also spend time visiting them.
W burned out. I supported her as best I could. No. You're not a bad mother. No. You're not going crazy. You gotta take care of yourself first. I know this is all stressful but it will pass. It'll all work out in the end.
When it started to become evident that our fourth child had language problems, W hit the pavement to find help for him. Over several years, his language problem blossomed into PDD (pervasive development disorder) and W was still looking for help. PDD was starting to look more like autism.
Through thick and thin, we stood back to back against the world. People marveled at our patience. God wouldn't have chosen us to raise an handicapped child if we couldn't handle it, and we were doing a marvelous job.
I changed jobs, and the money got better. This relieved some of our financial worries, but the new job was very taxing, and my energy level plummeted. I was less and less available to help W at home, but she was past her burnout now, and was handling things nicely. We still saved our resources for time together, and when d#1 was old enough to baby-sit, we started doing breakfasts every Sunday morning, followed by a walk through the local market.
We were a team. We were one of the strongest couples around. Everyone said so.
Then the nature of my work changed such that I was required to do considerable travelling. I was home most weekends, but I missed my family and missed having an active role in day-to-day decisions. I was even on the road when the decision was made to evaluate our son in a psychiatric hospital. At the same time, W adapted well to all of this.
Now it was my turn to fall into depression. The stress of travel and long hours ( e.g.: 15 hour days for 2 weeks straight) were too much for me. But W wouldn't support me. She said that she had matured to the point where she didn't "need" me. She had her own friends, and I should find my own friends. Husband and Wife don't have to spend "all of their time together" She also said that I had prevented her from being herself. I had prevented her from having friends. She wouldn't let me "do that to her again." I would have to deal with my depression. She couldn't deal with my problem and our son's at the same time.
She withdrew, and I pursued. When it became evident that this didn't work, I started doing 180's all over the place. The roller coaster ride was started.
My Story = Version II
We had a great relationship to start. Sure, we had our trials and tribulations, but we were always able to support each other. We were affectionate and compassionate to each other. We were often complimented and even looked up to by other people.
When I became pregnant, a mutual decision was made that I would stay at home and raise the family while Andy would be the breadwinner. I was grateful, and still am that he makes enough money so that we had this choice.
But he's always been controlling. We couldn't go out with friends because we always had to do what he wanted, and he was too cheap to do anything. But, we made the best by doing things like biking and walking. I couldn't keep any friends because he always wanted an exclusive relationship with me.
He always spent a lot of time at work while I was stuck at home. When he got home, he would just flop on the couch, and didn't do anything to help. I went through a burnout, and he did nothing to help me. He just considered it my problem, and I had to deal with it on my own.
When it started to become evident that our fourth child had language problems, I hit the pavement to find help for him. Over several years, his language problem blossomed into PDD (pervasive development disorder) and I was still looking for help. PDD was starting to look more like autism.
It was my job to find help for him while juggling the household chores and the other kids. I never got any appreciation for my patience and stamina - not even from Andy.
Andy changed jobs, and the money got better. This relieved some of our financial worries, but the new job was very taxing. He worked a lot of overtime and did even less around the house. When d#1 was old enough to baby-sit, we started doing breakfasts every Sunday morning, followed by a walk through the local market. At least I was getting some relief.
Then Andy started travelling abroad. I was left on my own to make all of the family decisions. I adapted to this, and discovered that I don't need him. I started my own activities and made new friends.
Andy still expected me to bend my life around him. But I had grown. He has always tried to control my life. I won't let him do it to me any more.
Then he fell into depression. He made it sound like his depression is more important than mine was. He wanted to involve himself in every aspect of my life. He didn't want to change anything when I wanted changes but now that I've found new friends and activities that make me happy, he expects me to change my whole life for him. I won't let him do that to me any more!
So, then he says he's changing. Sure! We'll see.
Sooooooooooo.....
Which version is the truth?
Neither and both, of course.
My mission is to bring them together.
I started posting my story in newcomers on Andy's Story which describes my struggles to break out of the rut by becoming the husband that's described in Version I.
