WHG: When last we heard from our action hero...

[workinghardguy]

Thx CT... Sorry it's been so hard on your d. So far w and I don't have fights over the sitch or even discuss much, and when we do it's after they're in bed. I'm hoping a calm, united conversation will reduce the emotions. And the fact that we have answers and can tell them how their lives will be different will help. Of course all we can tell them is how they will be logistically different... We don't get to say how they will feel about those changes.

On here now because it's a tough morning and I just need somewhere to put my thoughts. W is up and getting ready to go see the rental house she may move to. Up to now it's been a somewhat academic exercise, but this is really driving it home (no pun intended).

Kills me that she's in such a good mood this morning. She came in the kitchen and started sharing a story from her visit to her friend's house last night. I listened for about 30 seconds and then excused myself to go get my exercise clothes on. Come back downstairs and she starts with another story about a different friend's abusive STBX and how he contacted her on Facebook. Again, listened for 30 seconds and excused myself to go run on the treadmill. I just don't have the energy to be happy guy right now so I'm just doing other things away from her.

I found myself wanting to hug her and give her a kiss so badly this morning. I know it's just a natural reaction to wanting what we can't have, and that it doesn't mean my detachment is failing.... I haven't acted on any of it and continue to act as if it doesn't matter.

Because it really doesn't . How I feel doesn't matter. It won't change things or alter things so no point dwelling on it. Going to shower, eat some breakfast, and play some Black Ops with my SS... At least that will give me a different focus.

[Grmpy_Mnky]

Yeah I get the same thing. She is always up-beat, buying new clothes, and acting like this is the best thing in the world. Who is this person? It just blows my mind and makes me angry/sad beyond description. Here I am unable to eat or concentrate and her life is great!

[Rick1963]

WHG and Mnky until you guys stop obssessing over your WAS they will continue to show a happy face. I saw the same with mine. When this all started she was giddy getting all kinds of TMs smilling at them. Having great convos and laughing with my D. Latetly she does not look as happy in fact she looks sickly. Hate to admit it but I looked at the phone bill and TMs have dropped to every once in a while. Keep on GALing and worry about you and the kids. Show confidence and strenght and that you will be ok without them. I know it svcks

[workinghardguy]

Thx Rick.., lately my w has been as you describe... And along wi that she has been physically sick pretty consistently, which I attribute to the stress she is feeling and largely internalizing.

Just a patch of "rough air" as it were. This too shall pass... Just hard seeing her take these steps. But I take solace in knowing a month or two ago I would've been a complete basket case on a day like today.

She just returned home and she tried to tell me a little about it but too many little ears in the area so I told her to stop. We can discuss later. All she said was "it was interesting".

Another interesting convo this morning is that my w is now on night shifts next week too. The night shift nurse had a stroke and is on limited duty for an unknown extended period. She is now worried that she is going to get stuck with nights for a long time to come. THAT would definitely crimp her style and finding overnight childcare is not easy to say the least. The kids certainly could stay overnight with me if it came to that, but then really what we are we doing?

[workinghardguy]

Journaling... W is off to her night shift and SS and SD are at their dad's until Sunday. Just S and I tonight. We had fun. Played games, both board and video, together and just hung out.

A poignant moment from before W left for work. I came downstairs from my nap and she was customizing her XBox avatar. One of the options is "rings". S saw that and told her to put rings on her avatar. She asked why... S's response, "because then everyone knows you're married" Oh the things kids say...

Been a tough day. Been fairly emotional most of the day. W looking at rental houses and D talk just has me a bit raw. I know it's all coming and I just don't want the kids to go through it. I just wish I could protect them.

House my W looked at didn't meet her needs/wants. She was a little grumpy all day over that. It was about $250-$350/month less than other houses around here. That extra $$ in her budget really would've helped her. I don't feel too bad that things aren't just falling into place for her.

So here I sit... sad and a bit depressed. Had a great night with S... I just cant's shut my brain off from wondering what he'll be like after we blow up his world. Will he be the same loving, caring, happy, funny little boy? How will the D change him... what are we doing all in the name of my W's happiness. I guess what frustrates me the most is that there isn't a part of me that believes she will be happier post-D than she is now. Parts of her may be happier, but other parts won't be. I see it as a zero sum game. The most significant things making her unhappy are inside of her, and since she won't deal with those it's like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic... at least in my view.

So here I sit... filling out financial disclosure paperwork. It's not for our D papers; it's for the filing to get more child support from XH. But one financial disclosure is another... it simply paves the way.

And then there are moments like this afternoon where I just say "move out already". Don't make me come home or wake up to someone who simply wants to prove to me how much they don't care (when they really do) so they go "over the top" to prove how much they don't care. Enough already.

You know... if you'd asked me three months ago if there would ever be a point where I would opt for my W leaving, I would have said absolutely not. I will live in this purgatory for as long as it takes to fix this, and if it never gets fixed... well, I can live in this mess at least until the kids are up and out.

But now...? No. I can't. Not forever. Not indefinitely. She is driving the D and the move at this point. But if those don't happen... well, I'm not ok with doing this for the long term either.

[workinghardguy]

Journal entry... Stardate: Too damn long doing this...

Not much really today. W slept most of the day and I worked. Saw her briefly this morning when she got home. Spent the morning playing Kinect with my S, man he loves that thing (and it gets me some more exercise)! After work I headed to a volunteer meeting for GAL. It was good... the commander served us some dinner and we had a chance to recap the year. My unit is improving greatly, but the one thing we're not good at is social stuff (can you tell we're like 90% men?). That's going to be a goal for the next year... to increase the socialization of my unit's members. It will help my GAL and help the unit's morale all at the same time.

So now I have a confession to make... you may remember that our computer's nanny monitor caught some stuff when I was gone a few weeks back. When I got home I meant to uninstall it but never got to it. Then it caught a few Facebook chats and to be honest I've left it there. I know... snooping is not helpful, but for some reason I can't bring myself to uninstall it.

So today the nanny monitor captured a Facebook chat with her crush guy. He won't be in town for New Year's like she was hoping. He's actually spending it with his parents and son (as a side note... and I'm the no social life guy?). Anyway, I actually almost feel bad for my W after reading it. She's trying so hard to flirt and lure him. And as a guy I can completely read what he is saying. which is he's keeping a polite distance from the crazy. One thing I did learn is not to expect a midnight text or call from my W on New Year's Eve... oh wait, I wasn't expecting one of those anyway.

So I'm not sure what to do with it... the program that is. It doesn't really tell me much and it's pretty sparing she has FB chats. But it's kind of like a security blanket. I know most will say ditch it. Mr. Bond will likely say keep it... it lets you arm yourself for battle. I'll have to meditate on it. And yes, it works both ways... if I was having FB chats it would capture those too... well, I do have FB chats, but not along those lines. She's free to log in and check my records... though frankly I think she's forgotten it's even on here (she insisted I install it when SS got a FB page).

I think I may do a longer post next that contains some reflective thoughts that I need to put down somewhere. Overall an ok day. Ended the night with some more Kinect with S. Another night of the house to myself with S asleep. It's almost like I'm separated and have my S for his weekend on a night like this. Sort of a strange feeling.

[workinghardguy]

Some thoughts that I've been running around in my head the past few days that I need to put down somewhere...

I've drifted somewhat lately... drifted away from looking at my behaviors that brought us here. I've come to see some real issues my W has... serious issues that I don't know if she can overcome. And those are real and actual, I don't believe I'm making them up, but I also think I'm using them too much as a crutch for not having to continue changes in me.

So I am going to record those things my W has said were the issues and what I've done about that so far... then figure out where I go next...

#1 "No friends or social life". Very, very guilty of this. Since the bomb I've upped my volunteering and reconnected with church. I attend just about every church event I can as well as volunteer event. I attend shows on my own and have engaged some meetup groups. But I need to do more. I still lack male friends, close ones at least. My introversion is a real hinderance in just asking other guys if they want to hang out. I've meant to form a men's group at church but have yet to do it. I've meant to drive more social events at our squadron but have yet to do it. I need to figure out what is stopping me and get over it.

#2 "Your not man enough". I was always subservient to my W's needs. I think I've come a good ways here. I am standing up to my W far more often now and telling her when there is a problem. I am not nearly as accomodating, though I could do more in this area. W follows our budget and we discuss our finances now. We could do more, but it's light years from where we were.

#3 "I don't feel like I can trust you". I've never been sure how much of this is me, and how much is her mental health/emotional issues. However, if I'm honest, I have spent much of the past few years with one hand on the emergency exit of our marriage. I could feel the distrust flowing from her and rather than confront it I would look for other landing places. This I'm sure generated more distrust. For example, when my W would have gyno problems her first words to me would be "If I have an STD you're in big trouble". Seriously? That means you believe there is a chance I've been sleeping around on you. I never stood up for myself or countered that.

To this end I have opened all our financial books and send her regular updates. She has access to whatever she wants. I also have become much more conscious of following through with what I say I will do, and letting her know when something is done that she asked me to do. I have tried to be available to her emotionally when she is stressed or depressed... at least as much as she's wanted me to be there. I'm not sure what more I can do here.

#4 My relationship with SS and SD, but particularly SS. I believe I have come farthest here. I include SS in everything now and have looked for specific ways to bond with him. I have simply decided to stop being "angry guy" and try to be his role model and mentor. I believe we are in a much, much better place now. He has said so to me and my W. The same applies to my SD, though things were never even close to as toxic as they were with my SS.

#5 "We never do anything". Well WE still don't do anything, but that's because she doesn't want to. I now do lots of family stuff though, just generally without her. I keep the kids on the move frequently and make a point of having at least one, if not two, high impact events every weekend with the kids... some type of enrichment or fun activity.

So next I need to think on what more I can be doing. I sort of feel like I'm in a rut... that I'm spinning my wheels simply waiting for her to move out. That the changes I've made aren't softening her stance really at all. I don't doubt the value of the changes and I don't plan to abandon them... but part of me feels I need to do more.

[workinghardguy]

Oops... forgot one... #6 "I've let myself go and might die before I'm 50, and she's not physically attracted to me anymore". This one I've done well at, but sliding a little. I've lost 27 pounds and six inches off my waist. I exercise five days a week. But the last few weeks, with travel and holidays, I've fallen off that wagon some and my eating has been terrible. I've put one pound back on and need to get back at it. My goal is 200 pounds by Valentine's Day... That's 16 pounds to lose from where I am now. I also need to get back into my weight training routine and do a better job at that.

[workinghardguy]

So last night I had a little epiphany perhaps... it combined what my IC has been saying and what others on here have said. It goes to the "parental voice" thing.

My IC's view is that my W is, or was, stuck developmentally. Her teenage abuse and abandonment issues left her back in those years emotionally. Which makes sense because that's who I've been attracted too... people who need saving and parenting. Anyway, during our M my W has grown. She's completed some schooling and is much more confident and assured than she ever was, though there are many ways she still isn't fully matured.

And lord knows I have used the "parental voice" more times that I care to admit in our M. When we started budgeting I put in a weekly spending money amount for my W... she referred to it as "her allowance." The few big fights we've had is when she's gotten mad at me for something and I've told her to "settle down" which is the same thing I tell the kids when they're hyper or agitated.

So what happens when a teenager gets some age and maturity and hits their late teens, early 20's? They leave the house and rebel against their parents. SO I wonder if some of this isn't my W rebelling against her parent-figure (me) to find her own identity.

[labug]

You've made great changes. You've looked inside yourself and really done the hard work. It seems your W is not willing to do that, she's looking outside herself for the next thing that will make her feel good. Is she able to realize that her happiness is up to her? If she doesn't, would you still want a relationship with her?

I'm in a very similar situation. I now like myself (not quite love myself, yet) and my changes now are for me. If H comes around and wants to continue the marriage, I have non-negotiable conditions, one being MC. I'm not the cause of all his unhappiness and if he's not willing to look inside himself we would not have a healthy relationship.

I've had this sign hanging in my BR since the S: "We are separated because the relationship wasn't working. To have a healthy relationship both people need to be open to honestly discussing their strengths and weaknesses and be ready, willing and able to make changes and adjustments."