Hi Rick. I don't know if you've seen this or not, but it was recently forwarded to me. It's good stuff, especially for folks in these situations. But it's good stuff for folks not in these situations too.
"This was originally posted by Peanut. ============ II. Detachment [b] Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship. Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.
Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals. We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions.
We are responsible for our own happiness. If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse/significant others. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’ It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Such a good reminder Antler.. thanks for posting... I needed the reminder.
Rick - Sorry you are struggling buddy. Holidays are definitely not my favorite time of year this year.. and adding a Birthday on top of... eesh.
I'm curious to know why you chose not to do anything at all? I mean - couldn't it have come from your daughter...
I am not saying to use your daughter to pursue your wife.. but if you reread Antler's above... what would be the harm to ask your daughter if she still wanted to buy the gift card for your w... or ask if she wanted to do something instead?
I mean - are you encouraging your D to still love her mom even through all of this?
How hard would it be to put your Daughters wants and needs for this special day ahead of your? I bet not hard... but you gotta make that happen. And keep yourself and your pain out of it... because it actually has NOTHING to do with you.
I hope that makes sense
Also - I'm just curious... did your DB coach tell you to use the LRT? It just seems to me that if you were an angry person who through out the D word every time you got upset, not talking to her wouldn't be much of an 180....
.... I couldn't be wrong and I'm definitely not a DB coach but I just wonder how distancing yourself more... when you were already distant to begin with... is a 180..
Maybe I'm also reading into your words wrong too. I know you can't get your wife to talk or open up.. but you have a D... I mean.. my w and I don't have children and we still have plenty to talk about it seems.
Do you feel like what you are doing is working?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
@ Sunshine I don't think there is drug use. Just not sure what happened to the spoons?
@ Antlers Regarding the detaching I am getting better at it. Really not taking things personally. But a good reminder
@ Val I am not really sure how to handle all these gift giving stuff. W and I did not get each other gifts for Christmas. My D did not asked for me to get her mom anything. I don't know how my W would feel about it.So I am not sure if getting her a gift is a wise decision. Regarding the talking, every time I do she pulls away. The coach told me to keep giving her space. Yes I tell my D that we both love her, and no I did not throw the D word every time we argued only the few real big fights we had. Which weren't many. The fact is that my W is not very talkative so it is hard to guage. i did most of the yapping so I thought I should just listen now. The funny thing is that I was never distant. I always sought W but she became the distant one even tho she says I am the one.
What ever I am doing is not working. I mean she is less cold and distant than when this started and does nice things. But I really think that she is putting all of her enrgies into the D and going her own way.
So my question is I can TM my D and ask her if she wants me to get her a gift card for her mother. Will that be a good idea? Thanks for the input guys
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I TM my D if she wanted me to pick something up for her mom. She TM me back and says she bought her gloves and necklace. I guess she used her gift monies? I TM her back and told her that if she had I will give her her money back and told her she is the best kid. She is the best
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I have no clue as to what to do anymore. I read about others where they are separated but have more and longer convos than my W and I who are still under the same roof?
Going on 7 months and very little change. Next week I must hand in all required paper work to Ws L.
Today I felt for the 1st time that I no longer was a H or a father. Pretty sh!!Ty feeling. Felt left out no longer needed
I am very concerned that if W would want o fix this that I won't. II think we have hurt each other beyond repair. I am almost numb maybe is normal . Dunno
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Thanks for sharing Antler. The detachment info is good- something I need to work on.... Just got back & I'm trying to figure out what works and what doesn't... So far, not much has worked , but my sitch is a bit unusual n still new.
(F.K.A. Broken422)
US 40's M 17,T 19 2 BOYS 13,16 Divorced 4/2012 11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I guess I'm just kinda confused... You say now that you only threatened divorce a few times... Yet when you first came to the board you were convinced that you threatening divorce led to your w actually filing....
...... So were you taking too much of the blame then or are you rewriting history now?? It is a serious question and one I would suggest looking at
Because if you threatening D did play a part in your sitch now then know that it was MORE than only a few times. A few times wouldn't be enough for your w to act this way.
It would be built up over a long period of time. And while those feelings were building up, she was pulling away. She was creating distance.
Think about it. If you were upset, and your spouses response to your feelings were "maybe we should get a divorce" how would you react?
I would shut up. I mean even if I was angry, I would think that I couldn't express my feelings because if I did... There would be a threat. I would feel like I couldn't talk to my spouse.
I would get quiet and then because I couldn't tell them how I feel I would get angry.. Maybe even resent my spouse a little.
Do you see where I am going Rick??
I'm not saying that your wife isn't quiet.. Or that she isn't a distant person..... ....... But if you are not recognizing how you contributed to that distance... You are missing the mark.
You don't have to take full ownership of it... Just your part... And that is the part you CAN control. That is the part you can CHANGE.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Val I trully.know and own up to my part. I have been looking at what I did and agree that I had a big part in the break up of my M. But I did take full blame. I don't wish to rewrite history. When I had my blow ups What I would say was "if you are not happy leave me or D me" That is what I recall but I guess it is the same as me threatening that I wanted one.
I do see where you are getting at and I agree that she felt unable to express herself for fear it would anger me.The one thing that I have tbeen hinking is that I dI'd not live in a state of perpetual anger. Truthfully I can only remember a handful. But any disagreement with W I guess she put them all in the same category. Thanks for the input Val.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I have a small 2 x 4 for you. I recall when you first came here too. You may have only said "so divorce me!" a few times to your w, but you also said "so leave me" or "this is pointless" or words to that effect.
As a wife, to ME, that means "I don't care enough to change the way I act, so deal with it...and btw that means I will not change at all!".
Her recent overtures maybe lost something in the translation but after she cooked you or made you some food &offered it, you said you had already eaten and left the room
and she seemed annoyed and THEN YOU said "I can't make this stuff up"!!! (???)
your wife could have written that last line b/c to ME, she made a positive gesture and b/c you blew it with your clueless reply (why not force yourself to taste it or at least make a big deal about her considerate gesture?)
but your comment about "can't make this up" bemused me. How ironic of YOU to say it, when I thought it was YOU who seemed so odd in that situation.
Your w was kind to you and you blew her off and then acted like SHE was nutty...so, how will you interact in your next r? AND what efforts have you made with your wife in the past several months OTHER than SAYING WORDS about wanting to work things out?
what have you DONE differently? I am tired so maybe that's the reason but I cannot think of one thing you are doing that is different,
other than making the most minimal sounding attempts at conversation, like asking her if she had a good day at dinner and getting the silent treatment from her, but that is not a big grand gesture on your end.
Rick we both know there's no way your w is divorcing you b/c you said the divorce word in fights "a few times" or "lost your temper 5-6 times in 25 years" (which you posted to Antlers or someone here.)
I don't buy that. Unless you mean you hit her, then I don't think anyonen leaves a marriage b/c of blow ups that happen every half decade.
What's with these revisions now? It's like how you skim over your lack of r's with your sons from a previous r....you never even told us that til late in the game and slipped it out as a reason for YOUR anger at your w or ex w or someone you blamed for your r with them...
which I think is NOT healthy
and you still skimp on looking at that.
Rick You are NOT learning the lessons you could be and you are issing a real opportunity this painful experience is offering you.
make the pain worth it and learn how to do better.
When you know better, you will do better.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I never hit her. And you ask goods questions 25. It is hard to explain in writing. I have to think about it. Yes I don't want to miss the chnce of changing from this sitch. Sorry driving
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
