Please explain the justification

[stillhopin]

I've been posting for some time now in newcomers but am hoping I might hear some good stuff here as well.

Can someone provide me some insight into why it is ok to decide to drop all your commitments, chase a new career dream, while leaving a spouse (one that is supportive and encouraging with all career related thing), and hurt the kids in the process. I just don't get it.

And while I'm at it, how is it the kids are 50% my responsibility however I don't have any say over her abilility to pull the rug out from under us all and hurt them.

Still extremely frustrated to say the least.

[25yearsmlc]

still

I will try to find your thread but it's hard to post to you if you have more than one. The reason is that we won't have all the information in one place and it's just easier for us to know your situation and how to help

So please, post on ONE thread & keep all the info in one place...for us and for you.

Now, have you read the divorce Remedy or Divorce Busting books?

Start with them b/c they form the basis of our approach here, and my guess is that you have not read them.

They will help you a lot.

In the meantime, I can tell you that your anger will NOT help your situation if you are showing it to her.

She'll justify fleeing all the MORE if all she sees is your anger. Do Not fuel her negatives of you.


And here are some "rules" to get you started that we post for newcomers...

and please read the books...asap...


Carry it in your pocket if you have to. I know I did.

FOR WHEN YOU GET "THE BOMB"….

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

[25yearsmlc]

I found your main thread in newcomers...

I don't think your w is having a MLC fwiw, but in any case, I posted on the newcomer's thread.

[NorthStar]

This is the best 37 piece scaffold you will ever get to begin DBing. I too printed it out and carried it with me always. During the first year post bomb I read it several times a day. Even now, another year later I still refer to it.
Utilize all the great advice you're getting Still.
Kindest regards
NS

[stillhopin]

Thanks very much. I get all that stuff. I'm doing all that stuff and am having some success and learning from my backslides.

Just hoping that someone out there may share some more insight into what she might be thinking and how that relates to the kids.

[Cadet]

Your first thread in mlc

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...247#Post2198247

Have you ever been inside of a tornado?
That is what it is like inside her head and what she is thinking.

Do you think you can control tornado?

No it is usually better to get out of the way.
Does not mean that it is not going to destroy things in its path.
But if you are not in its path then you do not get destroyed.


Trying to figure anything else out is just mindreading.

Hope that helps.

[25yearsmlc]

STILL,

you have a much longer thread in Newcomers...is it pointless for us to post there?

[stillhopin]

Thanks cadet.

Hi 25. No, I don't think it's pointless to post there. Not sure I understand why you ask. I am assuming that not everyone participating in the forums reads every topic of every forum, so I figured those reading this forum might have some insight into the question I posed. I don't see the need for mutual excusive posting. More the merrier I say for searching out help, insight, and wisdom from a variety of perspectives.

I'd be very interested in hearing why some might not think she is going through a mlc. This effort she's engaged in to drop the past, re-define herself, and seek out a new career (which btw she was away again fri/sat and apparently interviewing, and last night was a backslide hoping for some more info and my opportunity to support her, didn't go so well) seems very symptomatic. I can re-post this to my other thread, I just wasn't sure that everyony reading this forum would catch my mlc questions in the newcomers.

Thanks, as always for everyone's help.

[Albuquerque]

Still,

I understand why you ask the questions. But answer me this, what answer would satisfy you?

Not all actions can be justified. Not all actions can be explained. I'm not sure of your sitch, but spending your time searching for the "why" will take time away from you dealing with your "now". Her actions may not be right, they may not be fair, they may not be the best for the kids. Problem is, is that it doesn't matter. It doesn't change anything. Concentrate on yourself. Focus on yourself. Use this opportunity to grow and become a better person. Not for her. Not to save the marriage. But because no matter what happens, you will still be stuck with yourself. And your kids will still have you and will depend on you. Be a better you. That's the only thing you have control of.

[BeingMe]

There is no justification ... none. You cannot access her thoughts, or feel her feelings, but she has them, and at this stage she is telling herself this is what she wants. MLCers always think the children will be fine. They tell themselves this to assuage their guilt. You cannot control her. She probably can't control herself.

Welcome to MLC-Land.