YAH I only object to her using this as an excuse to not express love to him, and for the affair.
I think Accuray needs to balance a fine line between working more on providing the quality time she needs, and not letting her use this as an excuse to further push him away.
Going back to her self loathing, I am reminded of Schnarch. She is looking for emotional fusion to make her self happy. (in other words she demands you make her feel happy with quality time). unfortunately it is very unlikely you will ever provide enough. So she resents this and wonders if anybody else could ever provide it. Thus her WAW stage.
She has now returned but probably still doesn't understand why being back in a fused state is not meeting her needs.
Don't get me wrong your wife values you, otherwise she wouldn't have started having sex with you in order not to lose you.
It's my worry though that as she fails to receive the happiness and quality time she expects from you, she'll start wondering if its worth it to continue with this "obligation" she has.
Instead Schnarch in his book passionate marriage states that before they can love someone else and provide for their needs, they need to find their own inner happiness. Once she loves herself and feels loved it'll be easier to show you love.
So yes it is important for you to express love in your love language, but she needs to provide a good foundation of personal happiness to begin with.
That's why I keep coming back to her issues with depression, just some thoughts.
