WHG: When last we heard from our action hero...

[workinghardguy]

Some thoughts that I've been running around in my head the past few days that I need to put down somewhere...

I've drifted somewhat lately... drifted away from looking at my behaviors that brought us here. I've come to see some real issues my W has... serious issues that I don't know if she can overcome. And those are real and actual, I don't believe I'm making them up, but I also think I'm using them too much as a crutch for not having to continue changes in me.

So I am going to record those things my W has said were the issues and what I've done about that so far... then figure out where I go next...

#1 "No friends or social life". Very, very guilty of this. Since the bomb I've upped my volunteering and reconnected with church. I attend just about every church event I can as well as volunteer event. I attend shows on my own and have engaged some meetup groups. But I need to do more. I still lack male friends, close ones at least. My introversion is a real hinderance in just asking other guys if they want to hang out. I've meant to form a men's group at church but have yet to do it. I've meant to drive more social events at our squadron but have yet to do it. I need to figure out what is stopping me and get over it.

#2 "Your not man enough". I was always subservient to my W's needs. I think I've come a good ways here. I am standing up to my W far more often now and telling her when there is a problem. I am not nearly as accomodating, though I could do more in this area. W follows our budget and we discuss our finances now. We could do more, but it's light years from where we were.

#3 "I don't feel like I can trust you". I've never been sure how much of this is me, and how much is her mental health/emotional issues. However, if I'm honest, I have spent much of the past few years with one hand on the emergency exit of our marriage. I could feel the distrust flowing from her and rather than confront it I would look for other landing places. This I'm sure generated more distrust. For example, when my W would have gyno problems her first words to me would be "If I have an STD you're in big trouble". Seriously? That means you believe there is a chance I've been sleeping around on you. I never stood up for myself or countered that.

To this end I have opened all our financial books and send her regular updates. She has access to whatever she wants. I also have become much more conscious of following through with what I say I will do, and letting her know when something is done that she asked me to do. I have tried to be available to her emotionally when she is stressed or depressed... at least as much as she's wanted me to be there. I'm not sure what more I can do here.

#4 My relationship with SS and SD, but particularly SS. I believe I have come farthest here. I include SS in everything now and have looked for specific ways to bond with him. I have simply decided to stop being "angry guy" and try to be his role model and mentor. I believe we are in a much, much better place now. He has said so to me and my W. The same applies to my SD, though things were never even close to as toxic as they were with my SS.

#5 "We never do anything". Well WE still don't do anything, but that's because she doesn't want to. I now do lots of family stuff though, just generally without her. I keep the kids on the move frequently and make a point of having at least one, if not two, high impact events every weekend with the kids... some type of enrichment or fun activity.

So next I need to think on what more I can be doing. I sort of feel like I'm in a rut... that I'm spinning my wheels simply waiting for her to move out. That the changes I've made aren't softening her stance really at all. I don't doubt the value of the changes and I don't plan to abandon them... but part of me feels I need to do more.