Didn't hear from H for the 9 days leading up to Christmas Day. Prior to that we had spent the evening celebrating middle sons exam marks. H had suggested a pub/restaurant where we used to go and where many of our friends and their families still do. It was a lovely evening and what turned out to be a 'quick bite to eat' turned into a long, leisurely meal that included several interactions with people we hadn't seen for over two years. H and I strolled back through the town to my car together and parted with a friendly kiss to go our separate ways. Then nothing. I threw myself with great gusto into festive preparations for myself and the kids and as the days went by concluded that H had needed to retreat and concentrated on making sure that our day would be wonderful even if H decided that he couldn't make it.
On Christmas Eve, and on my way back from the last shopping trip, I called in at my local church to pray for guidance and strength. I had been there for about 10 minutes and I felt my phone vibrate a message through in my pocket. I glanced at the screen and it was a text from H asking what should he bring tomorrow and what time should he get there.
The day itself was great. Conversation between myself and H was free-flowing, warm and friendly. There was much laughter and as DB principles are almost a part of my way of being now I am more relaxed and at ease. Amazing to think that H hadn't been near the house for over 8 months and even then he left in a spewing and hateful episode. And here we are now, sitting out on the back deck watching the kids play a ball game, drinking a glass of wine and sharing views on the latest good books to read. H also confided in me that he had spend the last week taking his mother for a series of medical tests. Now that hadn't even figured in what my imagination had him doing for the last 9 days. Must reign in those thoughts ... such a waste of time and emotion.
As well as the three sons we have together, we also have a daughter. She is from my previous relationship (her father is deceased) and H and I have raised her together since she was 12. She and H enjoyed the best relationship and she would concur that she couldn't have wished for a better father. All of her achievements (she is a successful lawyer) have been a constant source of enjoyment for us both. She has married in the last two years and now has a son of her own who will be one next month.
H has not contacted her since the birth of her baby and (I believe) found the concept of being a grandfather difficult within the context of his quest for a return to youthful activities.
On Christmas Day, following lunch, we took a stroll to walk off the meal. We bumped into a friend who we hadn't seen for several years. He was telling us how he and his wife had become grandparents and all the joy that it was bringing them. I congratulated him and elected not to mention our grandson as I didn't want to put H in a difficult position. I nearly gave myself a whiplash injury of the neck when I swung around to listen to H saying that we too had become grandparents and that he would be one in January. I didn't actually think he knew that!
That same evening, H messaged our daughter to wish her a Happy Christmas and to say that he hoped to catch up with her and her husband and son in the New Year.
The following day two youngest sons and I went for the annual get-together of extended family at the in-laws farm. The smaller farm that H and I used is a short drive away and where (I think) he now spends most of his time. MIL told me how brilliant H had been with ferrying her around and sorting out all things medical. She was surprised as contact with him at been minimal for such a long time even though he is only down the road a lot of the time.
Last Christmas H didn't show up once at this event. This year, he turned up every morning at around 8am and stayed through til about midnight. In the evening when we would all enjoy a glass of wine, H always came over and poured mine first. He kept complimenting me in front of everyone for the food I had brought. This was the guy who left me complaining about the way I cooked everything!
Middle son had some friends come and visit and they stayed at H's place. S18 hadn't been there for over two years! H asked me a few times if I wanted to go and check on them. I kept declining as this was the place where I got the confirmation of OW when I rang and she answered the phone. However, on my way back - and after H had asked again - I decided to call in with youngest son to say cheerio to S18 who was making his way back to the city with his mates.
I was stunned to see how run down the house and garden were. Furniture that had been on the verandah was now strewn around the place and covered in dense layers of vine and weed. The vegetable garden had gone to seed. This was not the love-nest that my fertile imagination had seen.
I didn't go into the house. It was a big step to simply drive there. I'm pleased that I did that, but that was enough.
So, a two day visit turned into five days and I'm now back home.
Spoke to H this morning about family stuff and he skirted around the possibility of doing something on New Years Day.
Last night I was trying to work out how I feel about all of this and recognised the underlying anxiety. I need to keep my expectations harnessed. There has been no move on H's part regarding a physical connection. There were a few 'flirty' verbal interactions between us but certainly nothing more. There has been absolutely no talk/mention of wanting to work on our marriage.
I re-read Cadet's postings on reconnection this morning with renewed interest. I think that might be where we are heading, but clearly not there yet.
I am delighted that we seem to be friends again, because he always was such a good friend. I'm also delighted that he is making his way back to his children. That means more to me than anything.
Ultimately, wherever this is leading, I'm going to be fine anyway. I now understand what being a DB success story really means.
All good wishes, love and happiness to everyone in 2012 x
