Hmm, not feeling to great right now. H came home from work and seemed concerned. I left him alone though. Then, while eating dinner, he asks how my IC went. I'm thinking "hey, it's a good thing he's interested". I ask him if he's given more thought about going to IC, he said he's been thinking about a lot of stuff today. He said he did a budget today and said that it scares him financially. He said that he's been looking for apartments all day. He said that he's scared that I'm going to keep our son away from him. He asked how I'd want to split things. He wants to have 50-50 custody over S4. I said that he's too young to be dragged back and forth and needs a permanent home with visitations. Then he said that I'd be limiting his visitations, etc. We got talking about us again and what went wrong. I told him I did many things that hurt him without knowing what I was doing. I said that I've learned a lot and know the person I don't want to be, etc. He said he didn't believe me and that it's not me.
Then, I talked about the 5 love languages (a book I just started to read) and that our love languages are different and we didn't know what each other's love languages were. The more I read, the more I see things clearly. He seemed a little interested in that, though he seemed to think that if you're love languages are not the same, that you're not compatible. That is absolutely not true. You just need to be aware of the other person's love language and try to do a few things to show the other person love.
Anyway, he seems pretty certain that he wants to move out. This bums me out. I do think that he still cares about me, but he is so hurt by what I did or didn't do that he's not willing to try to forgive me and think that we can make this better. Now he's off to soccer again. Who knows what mood he'll be in when he gets back. Usually, he seems to withdraw even more.
Forgot to say that we were talking calmly. There was no begging, pleading, acts of desperation. There was very minimal crying (I just can't help but get emotional sometimes). I did say that I believe that we can make through this. I said that I'm learning a lot from my mistakes and I'm not proud of any of it, and I know the person I want to be.
H came home angry. All I kept saying in my head was "do not listen to him. do not respond. he's angry and he doesn't mean what he says." He brought up again how much I've hurt him, that I took his heart and broke it, that he did everything for me and I treated him like $%@#. All I said was "I'm sorry for making you feel this way. I never meant any of it and I know how wrong that was." He came in and out of the bedroom several times saying more things, but I was calm.
This morning he seemed calmer, asked me what I was going to do today. He asked me what I was thinking about our sitch today, and I told him that nothing has changed for me. I still want to fight for our M and not walk away. He kept asking 'why?'.
Now he's off to work and S4 and I are going to have a good day together.
Thanks, Crimson! Yes, it's not easy to stay calm. When I'd hear his footsteps I would start telling myself over and over to stay calm. This is a huge 180 for me. The "old" me would have been defensive, emotional, and definitely not calm.
Still reading the 5 love languages and boy have I learned a lot. I obviously did not speak my H's primary love languages and his love tank was running on empty for a long time. He has been meeting my emotional needs, so that's why I never thought there was anything wrong with us. But his needs were not met and he was building up his anger and resentment for a long time. Now that I know what I need to do, I so wish I could do them, but because of the state that he's in right now, there is no way he'd let me. His primary languages are physical touch and words of affirmation. I guess what I need to do is to let him weather the storm and let him settle his emotions. In the meantime, I need to GAL and work on improvements for myself. And maybe when things are more calm and he is less angry and hostile, maybe then I can try to softly "speak" his language. And maybe then his love tank can start to fill up slowly. But will he ever let me? Will he ever forgive my ignorance in not learning his primary love languages? He's so hurt right now that I'm not sure he ever will.
I haven't posted in a few days. Things have been up and down. There were days where I thought that I was seeing small signs of improvements, and there were days where H would say over and over how he has done everything for me and I did nothing for him. I've been trying not to react to his statements and was "successful" most of the times. There was a day last week that I thought I was breaking through to him and he made a statement like "You know we still have a long way to go, and this doesn't mean that things are good again." But quickly thereafter he would say that he doesn't believe it will work out and has absolutely no faith.
His words say one thing...that he doesn't care, he doesn't believe, he doesn't want...
His actions have shown little signs of "caring". We have been intimate a few times. He has started to ask me how my day was, we even gone grocery shopping together (something we haven't done in a few months - we used to go together all the time). And, he said that he wanted a new shower curtain. Hmm, ok.
At the same time, he sleeps mostly on the couch, says it's "weird" to sleep in bed. Though he has slept in bed a couple of times. He's also been acting more selfish lately, which I understand.
Today is his birthday. Got him a small gift. He even sort of wanted to hug or half-hug or whatever. I didn't really respond too much (still mad from last night where he once again said that he doesn't care). I'm starting to get to a point where I'm angry at him for not caring and starting to question my desire to continue working on the relationship. There are only so many times I can hear "I don't care about us" and "I don't believe it will work out". I know it's still early in the "game" and the journey is long and painful, but sometimes a girl just wonders.
Today he texted and suggested a restaurant for his birthday dinner. I said it sounds good, but asked if he wants to just go with S4 or all of us. He replied: "All of us. Why would it be just S and me?" Well, I was just checking. Usually people want to spend special days with their loved ones, and lately I haven't quite felt that I was a "loved one". So we'll see about tonight. I did make chocolate/peanut butter cupcakes with peanut butter frosting last night. He doesn't like sweets, but loves peanut butter. This morning he said they smelled good. It's not that I made them just for H. S4 is excited about his daddy's bday so we made the cupcakes together. I want him to have a positive experience.
I had the day off yesterday and did a yoga class in the morning. Felt awesome. Had lunch by myself. Awesome. Went shopping. Good therapy. Got a coffee from Starbucks. Yum. And had IC. Better therapy.
Today I opened a savings account in my name only. I figure I need to start thinking about myself now and not when things are more crazy. I'm feeling good about taking care of myself.
Things took a little bit of a turn yesterday. I had a few email exchanges with H's bio-mom. The night before he had mentioned that other people (he then said who) agree on how our relationship has always been one-way and I didn't do anything for him. I had seen them in person maybe 5 times of the last 4 years, so I felt pretty pissed that they seemed to have figured it all out. I expressed my frustration in an email.
Of course, his bio-mom had to mention to him that we were have this exchange and when he came home from work it opened up a new can of worms in terms of his new relationship with his bio-family and how I felt left out, etc. He asked why I never said anything, and I told him that I didn't want to feel like a burden. I did not want to come in the middle. If he's blaming for my lack of support when I didn't voice my issues, I can only imagine what he'd be saying if I actually did say that I had certain issues. I did not want to have that conversation with him, especially since it was his birthday. But his bio-mom couldn't wait until at least the day after to say something. The conversation was different though and not the typical R talk. It was more the R between his new family. I may have said that I had always been open and open-hearted towards them, but I don't see a reason to keep going if that's how they feel and the road we're heading towards. He kept asking why and said that I was still his wife. Hmm, funny he says that, because it sure did not feel like it. I felt like people were ganging up on me after hearing blame for so long, you almost start to believe it. So I took on the "I don't care" attitude that H has been showing. I think that took him by surprise.
It was dinner time and after what had happened I didn't expect him to still want to go out to dinner. I told him that if he still wants to go out, then H and S4 should get going. He insisted that I came, too. I said that people usually spend special occasions with their loved ones. He didn't say anything to that, but still insisted that we all went, so we did.
While waiting for a table at the first restaurant, he asked if I wanted a drink while we're waiting. He hasn't really asked lately if I wanted or needed anything. Then it turned out that the restaurant ran out of a special food that we wanted for our S4 since he's got dietary restrictions. We quickly picked another place that could accommodate. We ended up having a really nice dinner. The place was nice, had a live jazz band and the food was great, too. I had mentioned that I had been craving a certain food lately. And he also asked what I was thinking about getting. Then he ordered all 3 things for us to share.
He ended up being up all night throwing up, probably a virus or something he ate earlier (could not have been dinner since we had the same food). Normally, I would have gotten up and tried to comfort him, get him water, etc. Last night I just stayed in bed. I feel kind of cold about my decision, but I figured he didn't want me comforting him. He stayed home today. When S4 tried to convince me that he should stay home to take care of his daddy, H made a comment that S4 has a good point about not being take care of himself. All I could think was "Well, you want to be on your own, then you have to get used to take care of yourself, because I won't be there to take care of you." Of course, I didn't say anything.
Welcome to the forum, sorry you find yourself here. My W withdrew from me as well, then I withdrew, and she went through the same emotions your H is going through, culminating in affairs and walking away. We are now piecing, so I'm several months ahead of you -- happy to help if I can.
Reading through your sitch, I can completely identify with where you are emotionally. It's great that you found the 5 Love Languages book. That is extremely helpful. Be very careful with your H's choice of C, or even your choice of C for that matter. You have to make 100% certain they are "marriage friendly". Very few out there view marriage like MWD and will advocate trying to save it at any cost. If you hook up with an MC who is not marriage friendly, and they advocate separating, your H will have heard an "expert opinion" backing up his position. Please make sure you go to any MC yourself more than once and get very comfortable that this person (1) understands and agrees with your goals and (2) understands H and where he's coming from.
Reading over your sitch, I can give you two immediate pieces of advice:
(1) You've got to stop involving H's family. You can't go to MIL or biological MIL. He's looking for his own support system, and feels that you are trying to "flank him" and campaign against him using his family. You've got to leave his family out of it. Right now they are for him.
(2) You've got to make every effort to stop pursuing. Make sure H knows you want to save the marriage and you want to do the work. Once he knows, however, don't keep telling him. Once is enough unless he has a hearing problem.
Finally, you definitely have a good shot of saving your marriage. Your H has been hurt and is now distrustful.
Often the WAS will get ANGRY when you start making positive changes or being nice. Why do they get angry?
1) They're very frustrated that they needed changes from you for so long that you wouldn't make. Now, you seem to just be able to make the changes -- why did you make them suffer for so long? Why did it have to get so bad before you'd do something for their benefit? Therefore, they're not mad about what you're doing *now*, although it feels that way, they're mad about what they had to endure in the context of the changes you're making.
2) The fact that you're making positive changes and trying to save the marriage sets some level of expectation that they should also change and work on the marriage. Even if you don't say this or don't imply it, it goes to MWD's points that you can change your relationship by changing yourself. If one person changes, the other must change in response. H will resent you for trying to make things better while he is not. That makes him feel badly about himself. There is nothing you can do about this, nor should you. He owns that. You should just be aware of it and not think that his anger indicates that you're not doing what you should.
Keep doing what you're doing. Be pleasant, work on yourself, be upbeat and happy. Be mysterious in a good way. Act 180 degrees from how you used to act when challenged by H. You need to prove through action that your changes are real and permanent, and you have to do it over, and over, and over again.
This is not a sprint, it's marathon, and it takes incredible discipline and consistency, and it's *hard*. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. If you can stick to the program, however, it can work.
Good luck nhmom, let me know if I can help.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
[/color]Hi Accuray! Thanks so much for stopping by my thread and for your wise words!
[color:#000000]
Originally Posted By: Accuray
nhmom,
Welcome to the forum, sorry you find yourself here. My W withdrew from me as well, then I withdrew, and she went through the same emotions your H is going through, culminating in affairs and walking away. We are now piecing, so I'm several months ahead of you -- happy to help if I can.
Reading through your sitch, I can completely identify with where you are emotionally. It's great that you found the 5 Love Languages book. That is extremely helpful. Be very careful with your H's choice of C, or even your choice of C for that matter. You have to make 100% certain they are "marriage friendly". Very few out there view marriage like MWD and will advocate trying to save it at any cost. If you hook up with an MC who is not marriage friendly, and they advocate separating, your H will have heard an "expert opinion" backing up his position. Please make sure you go to any MC yourself more than once and get very comfortable that this person (1) understands and agrees with your goals and (2) understands H and where he's coming from. [/color]I think I have picked a good C. I've only seen her 3 times so far, but have been pretty satisfied and assured that her (and the practice's) philosophy aligns with my goals. I wanted to find a "pro-marriage" counselor and found the C's website and took a chance. She is familiar with MWD, though not so much with DB or DR, but she made a note to read the books. She recommended the 5 love languages, men are from mars, women are from venus, the solo partner. She definitely believes that one person can change a relationship, so we'll see how it goes. As for H, though he has mentioned an interest in seeing a C, I don't know the C's name nor their philosophy, so it makes me nervous. I haven't asked him recently if he's thought more about it.[color:#000000]
Reading over your sitch, I can give you two immediate pieces of advice:
(1) You've got to stop involving H's family. You can't go to MIL or biological MIL. He's looking for his own support system, and feels that you are trying to "flank him" and campaign against him using his family. You've got to leave his family out of it. Right now they are for him. [/color] I agree. I don't want him to think that I want his family to be on my side. I don't want them to pick sides, but I'm sure to him it might seem so. I do however ask MIL to watch our S4 from time to time. We haven't really talked about H and mine situation though. She checks in on me every few days. I don't have family in this country other than my H's, so it had been hard not to have anyone to talk to about this and to pretend that things are fine. The bio-mom, well, she checks in on me every so often too, but I try to keep it neutral and say that things are "same old". She knows my frustration and seems to agree, but it's no use in talking about it over and over. [color:#000000]
(2) You've got to make every effort to stop pursuing. Make sure H knows you want to save the marriage and you want to do the work. Once he knows, however, don't keep telling him. Once is enough unless he has a hearing problem.
Finally, you definitely have a good shot of saving your marriage. [/color](Thanks for the confidence! It helps to hear that even though I question that sometimes) [color:#000000] Your H has been hurt and is now distrustful.
Often the WAS will get ANGRY when you start making positive changes or being nice. Why do they get angry?
1) They're very frustrated that they needed changes from you for so long that you wouldn't make. Now, you seem to just be able to make the changes -- why did you make them suffer for so long? Why did it have to get so bad before you'd do something for their benefit? Therefore, they're not mad about what you're doing *now*, although it feels that way, they're mad about what they had to endure in the context of the changes you're making. [/color]You nailed it right on the head. He can't get over the fact that it did take me THAT long to finally see what he's been trying to say. [color:#000000]
2) The fact that you're making positive changes and trying to save the marriage sets some level of expectation that they should also change and work on the marriage. Even if you don't say this or don't imply it, it goes to MWD's points that you can change your relationship by changing yourself. If one person changes, the other must change in response. H will resent you for trying to make things better while he is not. That makes him feel badly about himself. There is nothing you can do about this, nor should you. He owns that. You should just be aware of it and not think that his anger indicates that you're not doing what you should.
Keep doing what you're doing. Be pleasant, work on yourself, be upbeat and happy. Be mysterious in a good way. Act 180 degrees from how you used to act when challenged by H. You need to prove through action that your changes are real and permanent, and you have to do it over, and over, and over again.
This is not a sprint, it's marathon, and it takes incredible discipline and consistency, and it's *hard*. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. If you can stick to the program, however, it can work. [/color] I used to be a runner. Never ran a marathon, but did a 1/2 marathon. I do hope to run a marathon some day. So I can relate to the metaphor too well. I know how important it is to take time, keep a steady pace. The feeling after crossing the finish line is incredible and like no other. It makes the journey and hard work so much more worth it, and you just want to keep going and work harder. So this is what I'm going to do, keep a slow and steady pace of positive changes, try not to think about the finish line too much as it can get very frustrating and unreachable, especially when you're early on in the race. And when I finally cross the finish line, I will be a much better person to myself and to those around me. And hopefully, H will be waiting for me at the finish line (like he did after my 1/2).[color:#000000]
Good luck nhmom, let me know if I can help. [/color]Thanks again, Accuray! I hope to get more of your input on this journey!
