living in limbo

[learning2listen]

Well, it seems H has more of a relationship with the "roommate" then he has led me to believe, she apparently helped him move and spent a couple days with him in new town...its funny because I have suspected this for quite a while, yet I can make excuses of what it "could" be...

Quite honestly it doesnt really matter at this point, I jsut dont like being lied to.. but I havent asked a direct question so is it really lying?

When my ex husband was cheating, I decided it was over almost immediately, with my current H, I see things differently...Have I just decided to settle or is this different..I feel like he has to walk this road to see his way back.. but am I just being stupid?

[learning2listen]

I probably broke every rule on DBing today, but frankly I got to a point where I needed to ask the question...

I sent H a text today asking how the move and everything was going.. he responded with a short "lots of challenges" but nothing he cant handle...

Then I sent "so when exactly where you going to tell me about your relationship with the former "roommate" he lost it on me and said there is no relationship they are just friends, they were hanging out alot with each other and that is it.. but since he doesnt want to play games lets just file for divorce...

I sent back "fine if that is what you want, but I am not playing games, it was a valid question, I said I was truly tying to understand all of this."

I sent a sep text saying I dont want a divorce. He then sent a text stating how he has no money, no plates or silverware, needs to catch up his car payment and doesnt even have a microwave, he needs to buy groceries and doesnt see how he is going to be able to afford to see D in the next couple of weeks, though he misses her so much.

I sent back a text stating that I respected him for what he was doing, as far as moving to keep a job, and I value him for doing it, if he would just talk to me we could figure out some way to get d and him together, I also said that i had plates and silverware which were his too, I said I didnt understand how come he feels as though he has to do this all alone. He never brought up the divorce again, but I feel like it is coming.

I dont know what to do, he hasnt responded to my last text and I am not going to text or call, it is the first "real" communication he and I have had in months. other than friendly exchanges and I am not afraid of divorce anymore and I think I made that clear. A huge 180 for me.. heck confronting about the relationship with roommate was a 180 also. I dont usually ask questions that I may not like the response to...

He has always used the divorce as a weapon to break me down, I faced it head on today and he didnt push it.. maybe thats a good thing? Any thoughts friends?

[learning2listen]

would really love some input on above ^^^^^^^...anyone?

[BFloat]

I have been exactly where you've been! A couple of weeks ago I discovered H had over 4000 txt msgs sent and received! I wondered who he could be txt'ing with that much since it certainly wasn't me. And then I had to ask the question too. It didn't go down well. H said he doesn't use phone.. Uses txt to keep in touch w/ friends.. Blah blah. In the end.. It would have been better not to have known at all.

I have refrained from really offering any help to my husband while he's away because that is part of my 180.. Do nothing. Stop feeling like I have to take care of everyone. Also I try to remind myself, H chose to leave and he should see that it's not as fun and easy as he seems to think it will be if separation becomes permanent. Maybe my behaviour is vindictive? I'm not sure.

I don't think you've settled. Life changes us. Kids change us. I think our values and ideals change as we become more aware of the consequences of all our decisions. In the past, cheating would have been a deal breaker for me. But because of my son, I chose to try to work things out. Now with his current issues, I would probably leave if we didn't have kids. But for them, i feel that I want to try to do whatever I can to try and work on or marriage. In doing so, have to remember I can only control my own actions. But at least I could say.. I tried.

[BFloat]

Posting from phone. My computer is not cooperating. Wanted to add.. Sometimes I wish I could just reach out and give everyone a big hug. So here's sending you a big cyberhug! OOO

[purgatory]

L2L- I know that we all feel like should be punished for backsliding... but we are human. Sometimes we just can't stop ourselves, and that's ok. You are the only one who can decided if you did the right/wrong thing. If you didn't like how it made you feel or the outcome, then it probably wasn't the right thing. So you should just make a mental note of it and try to avoid it again, but don't punish yourself or think that this one action has determined if you will reconcile.
Someone told me on my post: It took a thousand of little actions and things for you M to come to this point, it will take another thousand little actions to bring it back together.

That's what reminds me that this is a LONG process... I have to remind myself daily that it took 7 years of marriage history to get us to this point, I can't undo all that anger and hurt in only 1 or 2 months.

I think that you did great by pointing out his efforts (keeping his job) instead of saying something catty like: "well, you could have dishes and microwave if you didn't decide to leave!" (even though you may have felt like it) AND good on you for doing a 180 by asking the question you may not like the answer to... That should start to give you a sense of power over your choices

You're doing great! Just get comfy on your roller coaster seat, you'll be there for a while

[learning2listen]

Barely and Purgatory,
Thank you so much!

I actually dont feel worse for asking the question, and honestly the whole "lets file for divorce" statement doesnt really affect me like it used to...

I think I am jsut going to go dark for a while with him... see what happens... 11 years of marriage can not be forgotten no matter how far you run from it, at some point any person will have to reflect.. dont you agree?

[learning2listen]

Well I made it through the new years weekend, it was hard to not contact H, but i felt after our last conversation he needs to not hear from me for a while...

He has been gone now for a week, made no attempt to contact d so far, complaining about money to me, and now wants to re-discuss how much he is willing to send me monthly..

I am not going to let him financially off the hook, it is not fair to me or the kids, if that means I have to proceed with attorney I guess I have to.

it seems to me he is living somewhere in a non-reality state, he thinks he can just tell me he is not going to help pay bills or raise our d, I know this is untrue, but I think he is using the "chance" we could reconcile as his reasoning behind this.. I really dont think at this point he has any want or desire to reconcile, he just baits me with it...


So I continue to take care of myself and my kids, that is all I can do...I actually went out on New Years eve, which I havent done in years, I had a great time with good friends and truly felt good...

I guess I will continue this path... for now its all I can do.

[learning2listen]

Well H called today.. he usually just sends texts now adays? only spoke for a minute.. literally...

I cut it short and he didnt even ask about the kids, just wanted to let me know he was making the deposit..

I have no idea what is going on with him???? Can a person seriously just wipe out any memory of their daughter? Or is there a lot more to this?

[mishka422]

I guarantee there is a lot more to it but you can't spend your time wondering what it is. He will either work through it on his own or he will continue to spin in his own world. It is not your concern at this point.

All you can do right now is protect your children and love them. They absolutely require your stability right now.

So sorry you are facing this, but it sounds like your H has a LONG road to go.