WAW told me she idoesn't want to be married.

[25yearsmlc]

here are two "classic" posts from others that may relate to your situation

the first one is from a WAS, to a man who had a WAW and wondered why she could not see his wonderful changes...

and the other is written to a man who needs to stop obsessing about his w and OM---

**When you've been mistreated to the point where you actually let go of your R enough to let another person into your heart or bed or whatever, it takes a boatload of work to get back on a page where you're recommitted to being with your S - and those uncertainties that she's expressed to you, I don't know if you truly, truly fathom how deep they run.

Six months of getting back on a page where you treat her the way that any wife should be treated does not even scratch the surface of the years, the intrinsic devaluing that occurs when you're systematically mistreated for such a stretch of time. And I promise you that while you have recommitted and worked for 6 months, your W has simply been trying to get to a point where she can even buy into the changes, where she can even think that you might have changed and not scoff at the thought. Because when you build up hope again and again and again in your H and he crushes it again and again and again, you develop a thick skin, a protective doubt, a conditioned response to even the slightest, grainiest seed of hope. You are taught that when you hope, you will be disappointed. When you try, you will fail. You are taught that you will never be what he wants and it is hard to shake what you have come to believe is reality.

And for the changes that you've made to have come only when she walked away and OM became competition, I can definitely see how she can doubly doubt that you truly want to be in a M with her, and not just to win.

Even you today say that you are not sure that you don't just want to win.


#2

the post below - you change the "SS" to your kids and apply -whatever applies....


2. Back off - Reduce amount of initiating contact with W. Don't always answer her phone calls immediately. If it's about the kids, reply to the texts as soon as I can, if not, take some time. Don't jump to hang out with her all of the time.

3. Continue to show W new me - Continue to listen and validate W. Continue to be attentive and loving. Without telling her that I love her.

Continue to actually actively listen to what W talks about. Continue to be fun to be around... be in a good mood... don't be a downer... be available to W and SS, but not too available. If needed, fake it till I make it. Act AS IF.


4. Do not talk about OM. Do not bring it up. Ignore it. Under no circumstances talk negatively about OM. Do not put them on the same team. Do not put W in defensive posture about OM.

5. Do not talk about R unless W brings it up. And if she does, THEN do way more listening than talking. listen and validate, listen and validate. Validate does not mean "agree"; it means I understand.

6. Eliminate expectations. Don't be upset if W does not invite me to do things. do not be upset if she declines invites from me. If I do something nice for her, do it bc I want to, not bc I have an expectation of something or some reaction in return.

7. Do not be doormat - I am a doormat IF ... I do something that I do not want to do bc I believe W expects it or will be upset with me about if I don't do it. I am NOT a doormat if I CHOOSE to do or not do something bc it is what I WANT to do.

8. Lovingly detach to a degree - self protection mechanism. For numbers 1, 4 and 6. Focus, focus, focus. I cannot control my W, her decisions, her actions, thoughts or feelings. I control only me.

BUT, I love my W without conditions... so I accept what she does, feels and thinks with the knowledge that she is on her own journey. None of it can kill me... I will be okay regardless. AND, I do not have to stay in this unless I choose to. I have a parachute that I can use at any time.

9. ****Start to GAL again. My life cannot be all about my W and kids. GAL to make myself happy and to create some mystery about myself.

10. Be the better man. I am better than the OM... no question. But that is not what is most important. I must be better than the old me. Be focused on improving myself, how I react to things, how I live my life on a daily basis. Be happy.


11. Continue to create confusion in my W about her initial decision. When my W left, she was DONE. DBing has allowed me to get her to a point of confusion on that initial decision. This has, and continues to be, a good thing. I do this by continuing with my 180's and being the better man.

12. Be Patient. Patience is a virtue. I am learning it and it will be useful to me in the future regardless of how this turns out.

13. Time is still my friend. Even though I have been knocked down the mountain a bit, my W is still closer to reconciling than I ever thought that she would be back at the start. I am still married and no paperwork has even been filed.

14. IF NEEDED - CLOSE THE GATES nicely and lovingly, and without being a martyr. I must continue being patient and giving this time. And I must take advantage of this time to show my W more of the new me... she has seen it for only a few months. She needs to see more of it.

BUT, the time may come when I need to take the new me away from her. When she must be forced to see what her life will be like without the NEW me... This conversation must be done nicely and with love.

That I will now be taking myself out of the equation. That I will still be here if and when she decides that she wants to commit to me and M, but that I don't know for how long.

[CO1978]

BUT, I love my W without conditions... so I accept what she does, feels and thinks with the knowledge that she is on her own journey. None of it can kill me... I will be okay regardless. AND, I do not have to stay in this unless I choose to. I have a parachute that I can use at any time.

This is one of the best statements that I read. It is usually said in most peoples threads one way or another. We should all really take this to heart and live it!

[witz10]

WHG you make some valid points. I know she wanted me to put money towards there health insurance. I know we need to sit down and hash all this out in a public place so neither one of us can get upset and we can remain calm and rational.
The sad thing is her thinking that my family will influence me. I informed them in August that I will be leaving. There thinking I was just going to quit. Amazing how family thinks sometimes. Yea I would leave when I don't have something to fall back on. So I have been looking and and getting turned down more this week. Still sending out those resumes.

I value all comments from everyone.

[witz10]

Gabbysmom I don't plan on signing anything till it is reviewed by my attorney. I was offering too much money per month for support without thinking about when I have my kids. He told me this and gave me the correct number. She thinks I also have no debt well I lived mostly off credit cards through most of this to make sure there was always money in our joint account for her and kids. THat is over and now I will make up my budget and pay down my debt.
I will stand up for what I need for me and my kids.

[witz10]

25 I have not given her or steared my W into the DBing world. When I first saw the WAW online I sent it to her before I started reading it and joining the BB. So I learned that it was a dumb thing to do. Now I don't mention it at all to her.

The feelings I had towards my kids were also for me being stupid and not paying attention to my W. After I wrote that I and got it out my mood changed and we had a good night of leftover presents from chanukah they didn't get to open.
They have been a lot of fun the past few days. Its hard to see them and be asked by my D why am I here and not with mommy or she gets hurt and she says she wants mommy. But this is a standard effect for this situation.

Friends told me gossip is just that gossip and if the older people want to talk whatever. they have nothing better to do.

I am trying to not concentrate on OM and her. It is difficult, if it pops into my head I try the stop sign or try to find something else to think about.

I am waiting to hear back from some charities I am voluteering with in the coming weeks. I have plans with some friends next week a sort of reunion.

I might write certain things on here but always nknow that I am working on me. I come here to vent my thoughts. and thats all they are. Nothing will change with me and my children. I love them and would do anything for them.

[witz10]

25

Both of those posts were perfect for me thank you for taking the time to find them and send them to me. I will be rereading them over and over.

Again I am so happy that one day I decided to look up online separation and found MWD. Which lead me to her book and finally to here. I don't honestly know where I would be without this board.
I know how and where I screwed up in my past. That person is gone and done. That person cared about money and material things. Now none of that is important to ME. I have aroof over my head I get to see my kids a few times a week and I decide what I want to do everyday right now. I am finding me the box is slowly opening and when it fully opens I will be ready to hit the world hard. In do time

[Crimson]

Just reading some of your thread. Seems like you, similar to me, need something powerfully disruptive to jar you into seeing yourself through the eyes of your W. looks like you're making progress looking inward. I wish the best for you and your family. Keep moving forward and don't give up.

[witz10]

Crimson, 25, vc, gabby, working hard and everyone else I hope you all have a good and safe New Years eve/day. Hopefully 2012 will have better luck for everyone here.

[sandi2]

So what do you have planned to bring in the New Year tonight?

[witz10]

I am at my moms my sister, bil and her kids are here, my brother is here and two couples that are friends with my sistera kids plus there kids. So 8 kids ton of food cause my sister does things big and a full belly. Kids are running around eating and playing wii so conversation. Its not bad have my moments. Spoke with my neighbor called to wish me a happy new year. Got a text from my w waited a half hour to text her back. Just wished her a happy new year from me, kids and everyone here. Happy new year!!