Curve balls? Heck, I don't even play softball!!!

[25yearsmlc]

IS

I saw this post and wanted to pass it on to you. It's not all applicable but most of it is and obviously

change the OM to "OW", and "SS" to "S4" ( where I missed them) and go from there...it's golden!

2. Back off - Reduce amount of initiating contact with W. Don't always answer her phone calls immediately. Don't jump to hang out with her all of the time.

3. Continue to show W new me - Continue to listen and validate W. Continue to be attentive and loving. Without telling her that I love her. Continue to actually actively listen to what W talks about. Continue to be fun to be around... be in a good mood... don't be a downer... be available to W and S, but not too available. If needed, fake it till I make it. Act AS IF.

4. Do not talk about OW. Do not bring it up. Ignore it. Under no circumstances talk negatively about OW. Do not put them on the same team. Do not put W in defensive posture about OW.

5. Do not talk about R unless W brings it up. And if she does, THEN do way WAY more listening than talking. listen and validate, listen and validate. (Validate does not mean "agree". It means you understood. )

6. Eliminate expectations. Don't be upset if W does not invite me to do thing
to do things. do not be upset if she declines invites from me. If I do something nice for her, do it bc I want to, not bc I have an expectation of something or some reaction in return.

7. Do not be doormat - I am a doormat IF ... I do something that I do not want to do bc I believe W expects it or will be upset with me about if I don't do it. I am NOT a doormat if I CHOOSE to do or not do something bc it is what I WANT to do.

8. Lovingly detach - self protection mechanism. For numbers 1, 4 and 6. Focus, focus, focus. I cannot control my W, her decisions, her actions, thoughts or feelings. I control only me.

BUT, I love my W without conditions... so I accept what she does, feels and thinks with the knowledge that she is on her own journey. None of it can kill me... I will be okay regardless. AND, I do not have to stay in this unless I choose to. I have a parachute that I can use at any time.

9. Start to GAL again. My life cannot be all about my W and S. GAL to make myself happy and to create some mystery about myself.

10. Be the better woman. I am better than the OW... no question. But that is not what is most important. I must be better than the old me. Be focused on improving myself, how I react to things, how I live my life on a daily basis. Be happy.


11. Continue to create confusion in my W about her initial decision. When my W left, she was DONE. DBing has allowed me to get her to a point of confusion on that initial decision. This has, and continues to be, a good thing. I do this by continuing with my 180's and being the better woman.

12. Be Patient. Patience is a virtue. I am learning it and it will be useful to me in the future regardless of how this turns out.

13. Time is still my friend. Even though I have been knocked down the mountain a lot, my W is still closer to reconciling than I ever thought that she would be back in October or November. I am still married and no paperwork has even been filed.

14. IF NEEDED - CLOSE THE GATES nicely and lovingly, and without being a martyr. I must continue being patient and giving this time.

And I must take advantage of this time to show my W more of the new me... she has seen if for a few months. She needs to see more of it.

BUT, the time may come when I need to take the new me away from her. When she must be forced to see what her life will be like without the NEW me... This conversation must be done nicely and with love. Merely that her indecision has gotten to the point that it is not fair to me, or to S. That I will now be taking myself out of the equation. That I will still be here if and when she decides that she wants to commit to me and M, but that I don't know for how long, [and that of course as a parent I will be in our son's life as such.]