f he can't do that... then *shrug*... it'll be more merrigoround. The whole thing is just so f'g ridiculous. He KNOWS and acknowledges she's a nut case. But he's weak. Duh. (emphasis mine)
So why do you enable and engage in this destructive, unhealthy, abusive, craziness? I find this sitch very distressing from a child development and welfare perspective for that innocent little girl.
Have you had an opportunity to read any of the books around codependence that are often spoken about here? I really recommend you pick up a copy of Women who love too much by Robin Norwood.
Abbey - have you really asked yourself why you are tolerating being treated like this? Not only tolerating it - but being an active participant in this dysfunction that leaves you living in an open relationship and that child in an unstructured, informal, parenting situation that leaves her a vulnerable pawn. In my view, and given the seeming inability to make any appropriate decisions by any of the 4 adults in her life, she almost needs her own representative. All of you are so busy worrying about yourselves and who'll get whom in the final wash up the little girl is worth nothing in her own right - but as a prize. it makes me weep.
Please do some reading and get to know some of the amazing posters over in MLC. Also read some of Labug's posts in Newcomers. She's a woman of about your age, with a lot of the same control issues - and she's doing this amazing work to identify the things in her she needs to change, while she leaves her H swinging out in the wind. She's realised she can't change him - she can only change herself.
You have an opportunity to use this time, while your husband is trying to figure out his life, to have a real
Abbey - you don't have to do anything big to get off his crazy train. But you will not save your marriage if you stay on it. Please disengage from it.
One thing your posts scream out is your propensity to "tell" or "mother" your H. It's not unusual, but it's a big reason long term relationships fail. When you "reiterate" or "remind" or "put in his head" you are doing 2 things.
1. You are trying to manipulate him and the situation to get the outcome you want. 2. you are demonstrating that you don't trust him to make a decision for himself. That is hugely emasculating for a man and is probably one of the reasons your marriage was in a state for him to look for an affair in the first place.
Those are the things you need to be working on. Not all the drama about the little girl. H and her mother need to figure that out. They are her parents. It is none of your business. After he's made those decisions, that will hopefully be in the best interests of the child, you'll need to consider if you can live with what he's decided.
In the mean time - please use this time to have a good look at who you are and how you got here - and if this is really how you want to be.
Blessings, V
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Especially me reiterating that WE are the best chance his daughter has at a happy ... HEALTHY family life.
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I pressed a bit. (probably too much). Said I could see daughter going to a local private school and us being involved. He liked that. We talked about reading to her, and getting her interested in reading etc. Liked that too.
Talked about living arrangements... put it in his mind that he should have a secondary investment property.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
