Need HOPE & Advice

[PERSEVERANCE]

Went to the movies last night with W and kids. She made dinner and helped around the house- although she has an apartment a few miles away from our home. W gave me a ride when I dropped my car off for service at the dealership today. We interact like business associatates... So difficult. It would be easier not seeing her at all I think. I met twice with an IC ... Meeting with another next week. I spoke with a L also to get advice. Crazy- the C and the L both seem to think that my W is having an A. I have considered it... Maybe I'm nieve but I believe my W... She has been pretty hurtful in the past and the laws in my state seem to split everything nearly 50 50 regardless of who is at fault... So I think that she would tell me the truth. I'm readind DB and other books. I know that there are worse sitch's but it feels so hopeless. She tells me that it's over, too late for mc & that all we can do now is work on coparenting. I have been working on my 180- being patient socially outgoing and even-tempered. W & the Boys have noticed... But she is still afraid of me?! I have never nor would I ever threaten or hurt her... My temper was unpredictable and I was short fused ( yelled at her in the past). I was hoping that the IC woul diagnose me as bipolar or anything.... Instead she told me that I was even tempered, and that I was normal? & that my W is the one with issues?! Oh well.... Meeting a new C. I have been completely open... Strange, but I was hoping to be diagnosed and medicated- shock to be called normal : )
I'll keep working on it... Backsliding a bit because W n I had R talk... I'll try to avoid it in the future. I've only been home a week. I'm taking a few more weeks off before working. Not sure how I'm going to pay for our home and now my Ws new expenses with her appt ( she works part time). I can do it- but not comfortably. Hoping next Christmas Santa brings me reconciliation. Oh well- off to the gym soon, bringing my snowboard in for a tune up and going to yoga tomorrow. Checked out race schedules for the Spring- might try my first marathon. Going polar bear swimming on new years day with my oldest son - swimming in 35 degree water has been a New years tradition since I was 12 & I've passed it on to my kids. Been working on validating and respecting my W, soon to be XW. Sad. I wish that I didn't love her so much.