Starting over....again !

[Shelby]

I haven't been on in a long time, several months.

Most of that time I have felt like I was moving forward...but this Holiday season has really sent me back.

Just to fill you in. December 2005. I found out my husband was involved in a 2 1/2 year long, long distant affair. He only told me because the girlfriend threatened to tell me herself. He broke things off with her immediately and we tried to work on our marriage. In may 2008, 1 week after finishing breast cancer treatment my STBX told me he wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. I went right back into survivor mode, if I even left it, and tried to save my marriage. We went to counselling about 3 times before he stopped, and therefore I did too. He stayed for 2 more years almost exactly. In this time I would see things that would give me hope that we were moving in the right direction.
In May of 2010, he told me he again he wasn't happy and we should think about divorce. Again I was devistated. He never told me he already had met with a lawyer or had divorce papers written up, I only found this out after he had me served at my work on July 13, 2010. Up untill this day we were still living as a family, eating dinners together, sleeping in the same bed, ect. He even took us on a spur of the moment family trip to an amusement park the Friday before he had me served. I was totally shocked to be Served. That was the last day he lived here. He never slept here again. He came over a night or 2 later and told the girls took some stuff and that was that. To say were all in shock was an understatement.

He said he was living with work friends.only months later did I learn that he was having a affair with a co worker and they were living together. As of this past summer the 2 of them have purchased a home together. He moved an hour away.

Currently we are still not divorced. I am living in our home with our daughters. He visits them once a week for a couple of hours. They have only been to his house 1 time when they were driving by it, he stopped to show it to them. The girl friend was not there, although they have met her briefly 1 time.

I remain extremely close to his mother and his family. I think this is part of the reason of my recent set back. Untill a month ago he has not It introduced the girlfriend to anyone from his family. I recently found out that there has been a meeting with the girlfriend and his parents a couple of weeks ago. My MIL did not tell because she didn't want to hurt me. And my ex didn't tell me. He took my youngest out to dinner, told her and she filled me in. My mother in law did tell me the meeting was awkward. And now my MIL is having the EXand the girlfriend up for new years dinner and she will meet my BIL and his wife and kids.

I know all of this was inevitable. But it still hurts. Hurts real bad.

Here is this woman my ex has been having an affair with for who knows how long, years probably. Probably since the first time he wanted to leave and now they are just going to accept her. If I look back at things I see things I probably choose to ignore, I am sure now this affair has been going on long before he left.

Ughh !! I know I just have release all of my anger and move on. I need to get back to the basics of GAL. I need to start over TODAY.

In the past 5 months I have lost 40 pounds, have started exercising and in 2012 I want to do my first ever 5k. So while I think I have made some positive changes in my life. I need to keep moving in the right direction. Even through everything I have been through with my EX I still can not get him out of my head. What the heck is wrong with me ?

Thanks for letting me ramble on. I am hoping getting back on here and journally and hopefully getting some words back from others in similar situations will help me clear my head and help me let go.

Thanks, Shelby.

[antlers]

In the past 5 months I have lost 40 pounds, have started exercising and in 2012 I want to do my first ever 5k. So while I think I have made some positive changes in my life. I need to keep moving in the right direction. Even through everything I have been through with my EX I still can not get him out of my head. What the heck is wrong with me ?

I'm sorry for your bad experiences. That's a significant weight loss! Good job...although I don't recommend that diet! (loss of appetite due to stress). That's a good goal...5K! Losing your weight and getting regular exercise are positive changes. Folks here will help keep you moving in the right direction. You're gonna have to learn to 'detatch' and 'let go'. People here can help you with that. Nothing's wrong with you...other than you've been through some bad stuff, and are still going through it, and are hurt because of it.

[kml]

Shelby -
I didn't want my divorce either, after 24 years together. And I had a somewhat similar story - ex's affair, reconciliation (although a true reconciliation, with some wonderful years together) then down the rabbit hole again.

At one point after he finally left, though, I read this quote:

"Let go or be dragged"

My hair was falling out from the stress, and I stopped and thought - is this how I want to live my life?

So I let go. And you know what? My life today is SOOO much better. I have come to realize that so much of my life's energy was being expended on trying to make things "ok" for him. And the men I have dated since my divorce LOVE those things about me that my ex used to criticize! My current boyfriend is handsomer, younger, and most importantly, has a kinder heart than my ex.

Your health crisis has shown you how unpredictable life can be - given that, don't you want to be LIVING EVERY MOMENT? Don't waste another precious moment on him or his weakness. Get out there and enjoy your life! Make an exciting new one! Tackle new things! (I learned to play the drums in a rock band )

As for the family - it's the sad truth that blood is thicker than water, and they are stuck trying to find some way to continue a relationship with him. Be grateful that they have been as close to you as they have (none of my in-laws reached out to me except my MIL and one cousin - and I was close to them and in the family for 24 years!) It's uncomfortable for everybody.

You know, you lived my big fear - I always felt that my ex would not be there for me if I had a major health trauma like breast cancer. But the first boyfriend that I had after the divorce (now an ex, because his old college sweetheart showed up - who can blame him? - but still one of my best friends) - well, I know that if I got some terminal illness, HE would totally be there if I needed him. And my current boyfriend is taking good care of his mom who has a health problem - a good sign.

Write a new script for an exciting life. And get that divorce done so you can make sure you get everything you deserve financially.

[antlers]

That's a pretty kick-ass post kml!

[Shelby]

Thanks you, antler. Detaching is my first goal of 2012 !!!

Thank you Kml, I definetaly need to let go. I think the family resisted for as long as they could in meeting the girlfriend. I knew it was inevitable and I thought I would be better prepared for it when it happened. I guess I was not. I did spend thanksgiving and Christmas with them this year, because he went and spent it with her family. I was grateful for that and realize that those may have been the last 2 major holidays I spent with his family. His family is and has been much more of a family to me thani own family. I feel like I am losing more than a husband, I am losing my family. His mom is trying to be reassuring that I could not be replaced in the family, it will just be different now as far as family functions, where he will be invited.
Tonight the girls and I have actually been invited to his step-sisters house to celebrate the birthday of her triplets. We are going, he wasn't invited, not that he would go anyway. And Sunday we are going to his aunts house to celebrate the new year and his moms birthday, again, he wasn't invited. So, yes, I see they are trying to keep me involved with the family. I guess I will have to wait and see how things go the more the start to involve her too.

Thanks again !!

[kml]

Soooo...what are your dreams? What is something you always wanted to do? What does your dream future look like?

Remember - living well is the best revenge.

[whatisis]

Shelby, so sorry you're having a rough time. Christmas sometimes s@cks for people like us. Here's a poem I wrote back when I was going through a rough time. The poems message is to stay the course. Things will get better, you'll think of him less and less. Be kind to yourself, when you find yourself thinking about him, acknowledge you're doing it and let it go...and, again, be kind to yourself. Thoughts are just that, thoughts. They come and they go. Anyway, here's the poem.


Stay!

Is there impatience?
Stay!
A mind that is weary?
Stay!
Is resentment taking over?
Stay!
A heart may be breaking
Stay!
What am I doing here?
Stay!
Is there an exit nearby?
Stay!
I can’t stand another minute!
Stay!
Come, roll over, sit up.
Stay!
I have nothing left inside.
Stay... anyway!

I hope it helps you in some way

[mainemom1]

You sound like an amazing person! You've survived a major health crisis, a long term infidelity and now you are taking care of your kids by yourself. I totally understand having thoughts about the ex you don't want. I still have to redirect my thoughts way more than I would like. But its gotten better, each day it has gotten better.
As far as the ex's family, you are the mother of his children so there is still a connection. It won't be the same but everyone including you will eventually adjust.

[Shelby]

Thanks whatisis ! Great poem. I get the message. I will read it whenever I am feeling weak.
Thank you, mainemom1. I had a little talk with myself yesterday. Told myself I do not want this man he has become, in my life. Time to move on from what could have been and what once was and start my own life.

Yeah, easier said than done, but it made me feel better for a little bit. I survived yesterday better than I thought I would. When I knew it was about the time he was at his moms house with the girlfriend and she was meeting the brother and his family for the first time. I was in the car alone, I had myself a nice good cry, then dried my tears and went home to my daughters. I just had a thought... He always sits in the same seat at the table, I wonder if she say in my usual chair. Oh boy, I am sounding crazy again. Haha ! It was just a thought, doesn't mean anything either way.

Later today my Girls and I are going to his aunts house to celebrate the new year and his moms birthday. His brother and family will be there. Just another random thought here...as close as I am with his family, maybe it is actually more of a problem as far as keeping the pain around, maybe it is time for me to start distancing myself from them a little. Well now that the holidays are over that will naturally happen. I don't want to lose them, but maybe it's not healthy to remain so connected with them. I'm not sure yet. Definitely something for me to think about.

Here's to a beautiful 2012 for all of us !!!

[MAL]

Shelby,

Ellie (kml) gave you some excellent advice. Live well, cherish and celebrate life! You deserve it.

I had to deal with simliar issues with my D and rarely see or speak to my ex's family anymore. I was there with him for 16 years and even helped take care of his mom through hospice and was there the morning when she passed. I keep up with them a little here and there through Facebook, but that's about it. It hurt at first, but I am used to it now.

You will always be connected because of the children, but you're going to be okay if you are not as close to them. If you can find a way to be around his family and not hurt, then enjoy the time with them. It's a fine balance and certainly understandble if you put some distance there. Just remember that you'll always be connected, and if they want to remain close, I hope you can find a way to do that.

I know the holidays are still hard on me, with my kids bouncing back and forth like ping pong balls, but I do my best to keep busy and each year it gets a little easier for me.

Happy New Year!