Together since we were 15.

[Jenna333]

Ahh, quit making so much sense, GB I know you're right. It makes me so sad to think of never ML to him again.

I think he thought that he'd be happier by leaving me. Obviously that's not the case. He wasn't creating his own happiness either.

[Jenna333]

I just remembered something. While ML Christmas night, he looked at me and said he didn't want it to end. He had never said that before in that way, though of course most guys don't want that to end . Then afterward during our heartfelt talk, he said it felt like a goodbye. So many things that he's saying and doing show that he isn't wanting this on some level, but feels that it's the right thing to do I did need a catalyst to wake myself up, but it's happened now. If he came back, I would not stop with school, work, breaking the codependency...all of it. When I've explained that to him (while he brought up the R), he goes back to saying that we need time apart. I'm going to make the best of it. It's better than wallowing in my own agony. Hopefully if he decides to not come back, I'll be able to accept it and move on.

He's mentioned a few times that the talk afterward meant a lot to him. He's not angry with me for all of the controlling and dependent behavior anymore. I'm not very angry with him anymore, either. We were just so young and clueless.

[Jenna333]

Today I'm feeling like saying good riddance! I told him he can't vent to me about how stressed he is anymore, how much he hates his mom's house, etc. He did this. He made his bed. He said he can't sleep still (it's been 3 weeks today) and he wakes up often in cold sweats. I joked that he's detoxing from me. I used to be like a drug to him. I'm sure that wasn't healthy.

Sometimes I'm grateful for the days that I'm angry. It hurts less. Even still, I keep wondering whether he'll end up kissing someone on NYE

[Jenna333]

The sadness attacked me seemingly out of nowhere just now. I burst into tears as soon as he left after dropping off the kids. I hadn't cried in days. The loneliness is overwhelming tonight. I miss him so much.

[greenblue90]

It probably took a very long time before he was confident enough to leave. It'll probably take just as long if not longer to change his mind again. The more positive and attractive you remain the better the chances he changes his mind sooner than never.

If he starts asking for sex or saying how he wishes things were ok just remember this:

"I agree with you that this is hard, in fact I don't want things to be like this, but this is the path you are choosing".

Don't say it sarcasticly or in spite but with melancholic resignation. (make sure the feelings are true first).

[purgatory]

I'm sending you a box of tissues through the internet, I'll share mine with you.
It's creepy how quickly it takes over your every thought. one minute your'e fine and then BAM!!! you're puddle on the floor.

I had my first breakdown in 8 days tonight. Still don't know what triggered it.

My C says that a good cry is very helpful to the grieving process...so let the tears fall.... and then after a while, find something to distract you a little so you can start to feel better (I always find that a good action movie does it for me)

Sorry you've had a rough night. You are never alone.

[greenblue90]

Yep DBing is hard stuff, it'd be easier to burn his clothes and hook up with the first 4 guys that hit on you.

The whole point though is to be the bigger person, to not let rage or sadness get to you. I know easier said than done.

I recommend GAL it helps a lot, and keeps you from gettin negative thoughts.

[Jenna333]

I've been doing pretty well with GAL, considering I did not have my own identity at all before this happened. I start school in less than 3 weeks.

I had 1 1/2 glasses of wine while the kids were away. Ex always wanted me to drink wine with him, but I'd usually turn my nose up at it. I had my reasons, but I should have been more open minded. He left quickly for once tonight. It was my doing. I screwed up with my attitude. I wouldn't even shake his hand. I guess I didn't want him to start flirting with me again. It's not real. It's not the deep love that I desire from him. I know I need to learn to be content with where we are right now. He wants to be flirty and friendly and still not be together. It really hurts. How can he say that I'm an incredible person, I just never let my full potential out before this, and still want to be apart? He talks about me like I'm so special and amazing, yet he's not coming back.

I've been watching The Lord of the Rings trilogy the past few nights. I'm on the last one now.

[greenblue90]

It's painful, but it's what he created.

Just make sure you are soft but firm when you reject him.

[greenblue90]

Ok I re-read what I wrote, and I want to make clear that I don't think you should be rude or mean. Afterall you do want to win him back. If he crosses the line, and you need to decide what YOUR lines are, then you need a way to let him know. It's a hard balance.