Ok just caught up, sorry for not jumping in earlier you are where I was 4-6 months ago. My W too found me unattractive after lusting after women for so long.
I think you need to draw the line on her cheating. Tell her you are glad that she is willing to get help, but unless she is willing to stop this cheating non-sense then she needs to move on.
Right now like you said she is confused, she wants to explore her sexuality, she wants to feel excitement.
Unfortunately she has a lot of built up resentment against you, she probably has very little respect for you, and doesn't value you. It [censored] I know personally.
Right now every one of those men and women are more valueble to her than you.
You don't have to start with an ultimatum, but I think you should start by being radically honest. Be true to your feelings and let her now what you like, what you can tolerate and what you won't. Value yourself and your feelings first.
Also keep in mind that your W is very confused right now. She has no idea why everyone else is so darn attractive but you're not. All I can say is that it's most likely not you, but some issue she is struggling with.
You suspect that her affair opened up something in her, and you're probably right. Sex with someone you love requires a whole lot of vulnerability. Sex with a stranger, who will probably remain a stranger can be easier for someone dealing with issues since they don't have to fully reveal themselves. Any vulnerability accidentally revealed, can be ignored since it is not a real relationship.
That being said if you intend on making this work, you need to find what her love languages are and provide love. If she feels loved and cherished like OW made her feel, she'll be less likely to risk losing you on a silly online flirting session.
