What else could I have done?

[antlers]

there is NO way your d's are going to positively answer you anytime soon... I understand that. Did I do Ok at least reaching out to them though? Do you think it let them know that I care and are at least thinking about them and wanting a better relationship with them?

the response you got from one of them was the BEST you could have realistically hoped for. Be grateful!
I was actually surprised that she even responded!
Now leave it alone. No more pressure on them to forgive you. You said what THEY needed to hear...and they don't need to DO anything with that for now. Let it sink in to them. For at least a few months...
Should I continue to send them a short text every week...just to let them know that I'm thinking about them?
Make sense? Yes, it makes sense.

And listen to Sun's wisdom. It's good stuff. I am, and I appreciate her being here to help...and I appreciate you being here to help.

The circular part of this is what strikes me the most. I'm listening.

You were feeling so bad about yourself, you said, that you neglected and mistreated your family WHILE married...you had a low self esteem and took it out on them... That's it in a nutshell. I know in my heart that was the case. It doesn't matter to them though...because them being on the receiving end of 'me' far outweighed any reason that I had for being that way. I understand that too...painful as it is. I accept that however bad I hurt during those years, and the years since then...they all hurt much worse!

okay so what's new now? What's new now is the knowledge and understanding of the above. Still much pain and damage though...

so now they are reeling and hurt and lashing out- Maybe they're using the present circumstances to vent their anger and hurt to me for the years of them having to walk on eggshells.

and you are sad...and not responding in a way that helps them OR YOU...and I'm working on it though. I'm being helped by information from you folks...it's sinking in. I understand the concept of 'creating moments of love' for my son and I'm taking steps to do that. And I understand the importance of not letting a word of criticism out of my mouth around my kids ever again.

you feel bad about yourself b/c of your past... Yep.

and so...you interact with them in ways that so far have reeked of YOUR needs to fix or revise the past, or change it I have wanted to fix it...not revise or change it...but fix it. I don't get to. I realize that. But I can make things better between my kids and myself.

or MAKE them see you in a way that you want them to see you That's what I want to do now. I'd like them to see positive change, and me living my life with strength and dignity...and compassion.

BUT you are not yet there... No, but I CAN get there!

and so...you are repeating the problem. My focus has been hurt and pain and remorse, etc. For all involved. Now my focus is healing. For all involved.


Now, you have told them you are sorry and that you hope THEY can let go & forgive FOR THEM, not for you...but for their happiness. That's true. I hope it comes across that way to them because that's the way it was meant.

Now, can you start doing the same? For myself? Yes, I can. I need to let go and forgive FOR ME too!

you keep asking how? Yet you think THEY know? They know what they see. Actions speak louder than words?

They see their mom moving on, albeit with some zingers launched your way.
But you keep on wanting the score to be even. YOU bring up the past so they do.
Instead, become the man you want to become. DO IT... I understand that. What do you think of the quote "in order to learn from the past, a man must forgive it"? I must forgive 'the past'.

All that matters is YOU letting go of the past and showing yourself and your family that you are NOT the same man you were. That alone is exactly what I want to do. That nails it perfectly. That's the goal. I CAN do it!


What "proves" that? Not words much right now...(surely no critical ones)...

and Not the big grand gestures so much as

small but consistent changes + sufficient time = change they'll believe in.
I've found over the past few years that 'words' don't mean much...I wish I'd been able to just STFU from the beginning and just 'do' the right things. But since I didn't...well, things are still messed up and gotten worse. Do you believe that "it's never too late to start doing what's right"? "Small but consistent changes plus sufficient time = changes that they'll believe in" makes perfect sense. It's the best/only way. I see that now.

Be affirming when you talk to them, but do not talk much for now. What do you mean by "be affirming" when I talk to them? I've reached out in an attempt to repair...so I'll back off now. Again though...what about sending just the short texts every week or so to let them know that I'm thinking about them?

Be kind to yourself and it will show in your kindness to others. Let it in, and let it out. I'm trying to be better to myself mentally and physically...mentally and emotionally especially! Sometimes we forget that the Golden Rule is based on the premise that we love ourselves! And I've learned, and am still learning, the importance of true self-compassion in order to be able to truly be compassionate to others.

((( )))

I'm appreciative 25!